A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year (but have been best friends for 5) and am very much in love and think we have the perfect relationship. We talk about being together forever, having kids etc and in 3 moths we are off travelling around the world together for a year or so. I have never had such a brilliant relationship and he tells me the same.The one thing that bothers me is his ex-girlfriend. Before I got with my boyfriend I was friends (not very close but got on ok, and saw in a group situation) with her and knew they were still good mates even though they split up 4 years ago and my boyfriends parents are like her surrogate parents as her mum died when she was 14 and her dad basically dumped her for his new wife. Their relationship never used to bother me. I didn’t even mind when she came to stay at his house after returning from a year travelling, I knew they had been in contact whilst she was away by phone and email, and that my boyfriend had been worried when he didn’t hear from her in a couple of months. He tells me he thinks of her like a little sister and I know nothing is going on between them. He feels for her because her life is rubbish and she has very few friends. We went to a festival in a group last July and she told me that she thinks he is a good mate and that she doesn’t really need a boyfriend because she has him!! When we returned home, I looked at some emails (yes I know it was wrong and I do trust him, I just wanted to understand their relationship) that my boyfriend sent to her when she was away (6 months before we were together). They were generally just friendly but what bothered me was how in them he said he missed her and was also thinking about her lots. He hoped she was ok because he was too far away to be her knight in shining armour. If this was to just a female friend, I don’t think it would bother me, but I can’t get this out of my head. It hurts like hell that he missed her and thought about her, she is an Ex, surely this isn’t the way it should be or am I paranoid and jealous? We spend all our time together, and apart from this I feel very secure and loved. He sees her about once a month for lunch (they work nearby) and she used to come over to see us both, but not since I have been unhappy about the situation and we have had a fight when he told me he met her for lunch and I lost it (not sure why, I felt like he was hiding it from me, but he told me the same day). During the fight, I asked him what would happen if I asked him to chose, and he told me we wouldn’t be together now. Obviously this upset me massively, but later he said it wasn’t true, I had just made him very defensive during the argument and he would not see her any more if I wanted that, even though it would make him sad. I still hate the fact he thought of her and missed her and that he wants to be friends with her. I think an ex is that for a reason, she had her chance, blew it and that’s that. I don’t know why he feels this responsibility, he says he just wants to do the right thing and make sure she is ok. Why do I feel so rubbish? Am I being jealous for no reason?? Should I confront him about the emails?? And ask why he was thinking about her or why he missed her? Or am I being silly and risking my amazing relationship?
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best friend, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Hi, I am the original question asker once again!
Thanks for all your help everyone, I am feeling much better about the situation. I havn't as yet brought this up, I don't know if I should wait until it comes up, or say now as it's on my mind. It just seems silly to rock the boat when it is not currently an issue?
I am not sure what boundaries I should set really. He hardly sees her, once a month or less, so what should I say? Only with me there? Although have no desire to see her at all now! Is it fair to say their once a month lunch is not appropriate? I wouldn't be able to say it was so if they had always been just friends? And of course we are leaving the country in 3 months, so is it even relevant?
Do you think the pet names are such a worry? And the signing off emails with little names for himself. He uses pet names for a lot of the females in his life, petal, flower etc I just feel its crossing a boundary somehow with his ex, or am I reading too much into this?
Thanks again in advance!
A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I'm glad you found the answers helpful!
If you are worrying about her next visit, talk to your boyfriend about that possibility (or rather eventuality). Tell him you noticed that she hasn't been over in a while, and let him know that while its ok, you are going to need a warning and a bit of reassurance to prepare for it. It sounds like she likes him, and he at least at one time, liked her. So, its normal that that makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings aren't silly.
I think as long as you know well in advance when her visit will be, and if your boyfriend will make an effort to reassure you when she comes over, (which are both totally justifiable things to ask for), you should sail through the situation with flying colors. Good luck to you, and remember he loves YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Hi, this was my question. Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to write such helpful answers. It really has helped a lot and I feel much less worried now, it's true a problem shared is one halved and all that!
He has other female friends who I am not the slightest bit jealous about, but this does bother me, I know I am not generally a jealous person. It also bothered me with his emails how he used litle pet names for her (one he also uses for me!) and signs them off with a little pet name like stinky or similar, which I found odd, whats that about?!
He really doesnt see her that often, it's just that since the argument where he said he would chose her, I have been dreading him asking her over, because I know I will get all upset that he doesnt care about upsetting me when he knows I have been upset about the whole situation. He hasnt even asked her yet, so am just being silly for no reason?!
Thanks again for your help, you are all brilliant!
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A
male
reader, Justanormalguy123 +, writes (11 February 2010):
It seems you and him are gonna go far. You need to look at the pros and cons. If that's the only con then you're good. He loves you, not her. If he wanted her he would go for her. I think you need to calm down because he seems like a great guy. Don't ruin what you two have. But if you're that worried tell him how you feel.
I think she was most likely kidding about saying she has him and doesn't need a boyfriend. That's just my take! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (11 February 2010):
It sounds like she is a bit of a needy person. Because of this, her relationship with your boyfriend, and his family, is probably extremely important to her, and it sounds like your boyfriend finds that kind of gratifying. Its appealing to be so important to another person. But, she is NOT his little sister, she is his ex-girlfriend, and you are entitled to dislike and resent the fact that your boyfriend maintains a relationship with an ex who probably still wants him back. You have every right to set boundaries and guidelines for what you think is an appropriate relationship between your boyfriend and this woman. But, try not be too threatened by her, or too cruel. If your boyfriend wanted her, he could probably have her and they would be together now. He doesn't feel that way. You have already won, she's has very little of his heart while you have all of it. I don't think you are being jealous and upset for no reason at all, but this doesn't sound like you are being put in a terrible position either. On the contrary, you can use this situation to show your boyfriend that you trust him, and that you can share his time. I would not bring up the emails. It was before you were even together, and what are you going to accuse him of exactly? Saying that he missed a friend? You should choose your battles, and this seems like a bad one to pick. I would get him to admit that she probably still has feelings for him. He needs to be honest with you and himself about that. That doesn't mean he needs to terminate the friendship and stop having any contact, but its something to keep in mind. Best of luck to you, and congrats on having what sounds like a great relationship :-)
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