A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am a 35 yr. old mother of 3, married 17 yrs. I can easily sum up anyones relationship but when it comes to my own....I get mental block and so I would like your advice. My husband and I have always had a very "rollercoaster-ish" relationship. Even when we got married I thought that this might not be forever. We lived through MANY hard times re: work, finances, addictions, etc. but thankfully, no cheating. We have been very abusive to eachother verbally and sometimes even somewhat physically yet we have always had such a passion for eachother - we fight, we make up - vicious circle. Recently, we've moved in with his parents (6 yrs ago) - his mother died 2 yrs ago. Living there has put a HUGE strain on our relationship. My husband claims that he wants to leave, buy our own house but he does nothing really to make this happen. We are not quite in a finacial position to do so yet but it w/b nice to see some effort or atleast have some promissing dialog on this. Very long story short.....I feel that I am at an age where I can no longer just sit and wait for life to happen, I need to make it happen....if I were to die tomorrow, I would die with regrets as is. I want to make something of my life...I want my own home and I want a sane, respectful relationship with someone who is on the same level as me...someone with some "umph" and ambitions - BUT, I am torn........I love him, I really really do....but I feel that we cannot go on this way....all we do is fight, I cannot take the highs and lows anymore, I need a bit of stable love and so do our children. What should I do?? Good one eh? lol - if it can help anyone, I am Picses / Tiger, he is Aquarius / Monkey.....apparently a bad mix!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): so sorry for very late reply, mrs 34/4kids here, first of all pc breakdown, then i forgot the name of the site...ahh anyways!! im back lol... good to hear all going well for the now... its alot of work and persistance isnt it... well im at peace with my decision and that is when the kids are old enough i'll be on my way...thats my light at the end of my tunnel...but also in saying that i recently had enough (packed he kids and my bags) rang the woman's family refuge and were set to go... waited for hubby to walk in the door and it scared the crap outta him and myself (so much courage on my behalf) when he walked in from work... the minute he saw all of us with our bags was priceless, he face said it all... i should of did this years ago (dont know if i was calling his bluff or if i really would have left, but felt ohhh soo right!!) anyways long story short, its been great ever since!! yes he still has a drink everyday, but nopthing compared to before... i see a big change out of him and im less tense which means happy little families for the now... in the back of my mind i know the day will come around again, but until then im enjoying the now...
opps, again ive taken over your story... so sorry!! and really happy for you that your on the upper slope :) and not to be sounding negative at all, but enjoy it while it lasts...as i will too :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Mrs. 34 w/4 kids - thank you for your reply & you go girl, let it out!
It is hard, very hard....I guess what you have to do....like I did & am still doing, is to weigh the pros & the cons - really dig deep into your heart and ask "Can we change our situation together"? "Is it worth a try"? "Has there been some progress & can there be more...but is it worth working on & waiting for" ??? & I know it is hard, especially with KIDS!...BUT, personally I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that I would NOT stay with him just for the kids. Kids are resiliant, they can handle divorce and it is not worth putting them through your misery for the sake of trying to make something work that won't. My husband also used to drink heavily.....only saw him drunk maybe 5 times in all our years together but he did used to drink everyday and would be quite crabby without it. Thankfully though, our many arguements on that one did eventually work (I mean I even wipped beer bottles at his head one time long ago..) and he no longer drinks all the time, now he will just have beers on weekends and that works great for us.
Since I wrote this original post, again our rollercoaster ride has changed course and we are on a happy slope for now. As of Friday morning I was leaving him out right...I told him this while at work (in my private office - the bathroom lol) He flipped because I think he knows that I am dead serious now & I will do it. He begged and cried for another chance and has been an angel since. I didn't give him another chance because I felt bad for him.. it is hard to explain all that we spoke of & all the emotion but I feel that we really did make a little progress.......and again, the make up sex was outrageous lol. But either way.....one little step in the right direction at a time. We will falter again I am sure but for now I will enjoy this happy slope. Mrs. 34 if you'd like to talk some more I would be glad to try to help :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): -34yrs old, with 4 kids,...first thing is, im no story writer, and tend to babble on so bare with me lol... believe me when i say i total understand this situation...
my husband of 13yrs (41yrs old) is very alike to yours by the sounds with his insercurities, no motivation, no goals..just happy to cruise along in life...but also have to add is a heavy drinker, and thats the part i cant handle, and with all that comes with the drink, point blank-verbal abuse...sorry this was about you not me!! :)
if i had advice to give u i would have used it already!! im lost, actually i know exactly what to do, i just need the balls to do it lol... LEAVE.. we only get one shot of life!! lets try and make it all we can...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply Mzz. 19 yr. old anonymous reader ;-) This is a hard one though...very hard. I see my friends regulary and do my own thing all the time. Years ago it was a fight for me to get out but today he wouldn't dare try to stop me. We do not do anything together really....been there, tried that, never works out. He has "jelousy" issues. Take this w/end for example.....his cousin got married. We fought about it for weeks beforehand because he assumed that I would pay more attention to other people and not him. I assured him that that is carzy talk and to just relax and let's go & have a nice time together for once. He eventually came around and we made up. He rented a hotel room for us for the night before the wedding and for the night of. The night before the wedding went very well, we enjoyed eachothers company let's just say...........next day though (& I saw this coming a mile away) ...as soon as I put the clothes on that I was going to wear to the wedding...the fighting started again (now people when I say that my blouse was by NO MEANS SLUTY, I mean it...was very concervative...chosen to avoid a fight if you get what I mean)...so anyway, I got the silent treatment all night because he "claimed" he could see clevage and as soon as the dinner was over he left without a word to anyone. Again, I had to pretend that all was fine & I had to lie to people telling then that he just didn't feel well. Needless to say, this wasn't our first outting together but it will be the last as far as I am concerned because it is almost always the same - unless he makes a complete change of attitude and I don't think that is going to happen.
As fo me setting up house appointments - I have, it is no use....I just get my hopes up for nothing. He is 41 yrs old in a dead end job that he has only had for a little less than a year now, he doesn't want to jump into house payments. On one hand I can understand that - I am not stupid, I don't want to be choked but on the other hand, as I said before, it would be nice to atleast share asperations & goals to sucure ourselves in order to eventually (hopefully soon enough) buy a house. He keeps saying he wants to but I think he is too comfortable shacking up with his dad & not haveing to pay for anything really.
I don't know if I would consider him lazy..just to insecure maybe??
In 17 years I have said all I could say to him to make him undestand how I feel, maybe I just have to face the fact that it is time to leave him.......I just always thought that divorce meant you hated the other person. I love him with all my heart but I also resent him. I wonder is resent can be repaired? And then what if I do leave him and regret it? Oye! Like seriously, my head hurts...I wake up with this on my mind & I go to bed with it on my mind.
Anyway, I could write a freaking book here ! LOL - Thanks again for your reply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): i am only 19 so have not had much experience in relationships and my gosh you have been brave to live with his parents for 6 years! i really do feel for you and can understand that you are tired of these circles.
like i say i have not had much experience but may be you should look at taking up a hobby or going out with friends and having a seperate 'you' life which you can enjoy. if your husband sees how happy it makes you may be he will want to do the same and do it with you...
also money is a nightmare i cant imagine what it is like trying to get a house and everything but may be you should again show your motivation by arranging to have some house viewings, if your husband wants to come awesome! if not well he is just missing out.
your husband seems like my dad... too laid back for his own good (if you dont mind me saying) and when it came to my mum wanting to move house and everything she really was alone but now they live in a 4 storey house and have an amazing life!
i really do wish you all the best :)
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