A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I wrote several months ago about my husband's old secret destroying both a marraige and friendship. Friend turned out to be an uknown to me old lover who was trying to destroy my marraige over the years by saying nasty things. I was so called friends with her and her hubby and family for years. After this, I refused to see her or her family. Things were bad between hubby and me cause he blamed ME for the rift, and I sought some professional help, by myself, because he refused to go. Nasty ex "friend" kept her distance, until my husband finally decided to call her to stick up for me, but then he turned on me afterwards. She whined to him and said I was being mean. Hubby told me that this is the kind of thing that makes sick and get cancer, and he refuses to be part of it, and he will NOT give up his friends! Now if this doesn't make a person feel second rate, I don't know what will! I was so shocked I didn't say much. Hubby is polite and nice since then, but the elephant in the room won't go away. And I have a very sour taste in my mouth. I could bring it up again, but I am so tired of being hurt over and over and I am fearful of more hurt. I think he wants it to go away and have things go back to the way they were, but they never will. I am beginning to think he is just plain selfish for wanting to keep his so called friends, and have me too! How do you prepare for WW3 when you know you have to be brave to talk about these issues? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): Okay, the question asking person again.... to clarify things she and he knew each other before I met him. They slept together. He cheated on her while he and I were living together. I knew nothing other than they were old friends. He expected me to be friends with his friends, but did not reveal old baggage. I helped foster a so called friendship between her, her hubby, and children for years, not knowing anything of the past. Then over the years she told me mulitiple times how she was the one who told him to marry me or let me go, she told me I needed to suspect him of cheating (after we were married), she told me he didn't have a real job and would never make any money, then told me that he treated me like #@+! when were were living together cause he cheated but would not say who. I was too afraid to tell him about her behavior for various reasons, but distanced myself from her. So anyway, when all this garbage was revealed, he STILL said it was my issue, an issue between me and her, not him and me, nor him and her, etc. Everyone has been hurt by this. But my husband still lives in fantasyland thinking I can make it all okay and he does not want enemies in life. Add insult to injury, he said I am asking him to 'divorce' his friends. So it appears to me that he has chosen his friends over me. I told him that I should be treated as first rate, not second rate in his life. I think he is just dumb thinking I will get over this and pretend like everything is the way it used to be just so he can save face in this small town. We have been married over 25 years and I have a lot to lose, and the kid will be devastated. But I am very close to leaving this man who won't value his wife above his friends. I feel like I wasted, repeat wasted decades with someone who is a self centered you know what.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 A husband and wife should never be divided over friends, yours or his. They should never be divided over family such as inlaws or siblings. A husband and wife should stick together above all other relationshps, be united and watch each other's back. It's not only about love, it's about mutual respect. Your husband has neither for you. If any of my friends ever spoke unkindly about my husband, even if it was somewhat true; blood is thicker than water and a spouse is blood of your blood, bone of your bone. You put the friend in their place or you dump them. Anyone who choose to cause friction in my home would be gone. This is the stance your husband should have taken, because they are not true friends if they are coming between you. He is choosing friends over his own wife. That is bad on so many levels and pretty much unforgiveable. For all you know there is more to their friendship than just friendly behavior.I would question why he feels the need to allow this woman to wreck his home unless he's slept with her and now she has something over him. Either way you may need to consider leaving the marriage at least for a trial seperation to hopefully wake him up. You really do deserve better.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Hi,
To be honest, nothing can change what happened in the past. I think the best thing to do is to take your time to let the anger calm down and you need to make a decision. You have mentioned that your husband is nice and polite now? My question to you is:
Do you still love your husband and do you want to save your marriage? If so, you need to forgive your husband for his mistakes and out your energy in your marriage. Rebuild trust.... Of course, it's not easy and you need to take steps. First step is to talk to your husband in a calm matter. Go over what happened and let all your frustration out. Ask all the questions you need to ask. After that, tell your husband what you want and what needs to be done to make your marriage work. Tell him what do you expect from him and you promise your husband that you are also going to help him. It's important that after that one conversation you never bring this evil woman name again, never talk about the subject again... Just know that as much this hurts you, I am sure it hurts your husband too. I am sure he knows he made a mistake, that's why he still with you. I know you will never forget, but you need to forgive your husband. For your own health and sanity, otherwise this will be a never ending situation. Just know that this woman is out of your life forever, she's probably happy, living her life the fullest. This woman caused enough problem in your marriage and life, so you holding to the past means, she still has control of your life. I am sure you don't want that....
I hope you can find peace in your heart and hope that you can save your marriage and be happy again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): I understand that you do not like this woman, but what if the situation was reversed. Lets say your husband got into a huge fight with a good friend and then told you you could not see your friend. You wouldn't like that, would you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Did you take the professional help even though your husband refused to go? Maybe you need to go back and get some help determining what is the best thing for YOU to do in this situation.
He sounds a bit dumb if he is really expecting everything to go back to the way they were before he chose her as a friend over you as his wife. For me that would be a deal breaker, especially if they were lovers AFTER you were married and not before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): the problem isn't this other woman, the problem is your husband. This woman wouldn't be out "trying to destroy your marriage" if your husband wasn't giving her a reason to try for that goal.
he's made clear that she is important enough to him that he wants to keep her in his life. I don't know why he wants to keep you as well - maybe because he's too afraid to lose what he has with you, or because she is married and thus he won't be able to get with her and he's afraid of being alone. He just wants to be comfortable - to have the security of a wife and a 'quiet' married life, but also to have whatever it is he has with her.
he has a right to decide who he wants in his life. unfortunately he's made his choice. it's useless to try and 'fight' with her. What good does that do, really? your husband is the problem, not her.
he may not want to lose you, but he doesn't want to lose her either. So it's up to you to make the decision what to do for YOURSELF. Trying to get someone else to change their ways - whether him, or her - because they are hurting you, probably will just be a waste of your time because you can't make other people change. So to protect yourself from hurt YOU have to do something different for YOURSELF, not be trying to make other people change what they are doing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2012):
 Is the friend your hubby won't give up her or her husband? I'm not really sure who these friends are you want HIM to give up, if it's HER then I think it's fair enough to ask him to stop contact, if it's her husband, I can't see why your hubby and her husband can't still be friends, there are plenty of thing they can do without their wives.
I'm just trying to figure out why he has to give up friends because YOU dumped a backstabbing non-friend.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 January 2012):
I do not understand why avoiding one woman would cost your husband his group of friends.
Is there any way that you, your husband, this woman, and a skilled mediator could sit down for a session to clear the air and restore some civility?
How is your relationship with your husband other than this issue? Do you still love, confide in, and cherish one another...or has communication broken down?
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