A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almsot 2 years now, I'm 18 and he's 20. We both go to the same University (which is a 2 hour journey away from our parents) and we're planning on living together next year (but I'm scared of telling his mum).His dad really likes me and often tells me so and that he wants me to be comfortable in their home, but I never can because my boyfriend's mum makes me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. She rarely ever speaks to me and gives off the general aura of not liking me. Her husband says she does and encourages her to assure me so but she never does, she just stays quiet. She also has a problem with him spending too much time or money on me, even though we split the cost of everything we do together (meals out, cinema etc.). She checks how much money he spends everyday even though he's financially independent so it's not up to her what he spends his own money on. Once she said (in front of me) that all he cares about is me, which was untrue and uncalled for she never apologised for it.My boyfriend used to say that she thought I'd get bored when he was at Uni and leave him, then when we were still together he said that he'd been cheated on by his previous girlfriends so she was just worried about that, then when it became obvious I hadn't and won't cheat he said she worried I would change when I went to University and hurt him, but that hasn't happened and she's still unpleasant to me and my boyfriend's ran out of excuses.I've always been very polite and respectful to her and their whole family, I don't go round too much and I buy her and her husband presents at Christmas and birthdays. I don't understand why she doesn't like me?My boyfriend's an only child, if this makes a difference.Any advice would be greatly appreciated, how do I get her to like me?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I'd stop worrying about why she projects dislike toward you. I'd start treating her with some pity. Someone once said, "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." That stuck with me for some reason, but I think perhaps you could put it to use her.
We don't always know what's going on in the lives of the people we encounter. Sometimes people come across as brusque, or rude or indifferent, and we have to remember that it may not be about us. It may be how they approach the world and how they interact with other people. I know people who have great stressors in their lives. They've lost a child, or are fighting cancer, or are in the early stages of Alzheimers. People who are going through divorce, or are quietly hiding their great sorrow of a cheating spouse. They don't announce these things to everyone they meet, or even to people they know but don't feel close to. I know that their behavior can sometimes come across as odd or maybe they are so distracted they seem rude.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." You just don't know what hers is. Assume it's something bad and treat her accordingly, even if she's being bitchy. Perhaps she has nightmares of losing this child, of losing his love. Treat her as nicely as you hope people would treat someone with Alzheimers, someone who is confused and lost.
She may never come around. She may be overprotective and awful for the rest of her life. But at least you'll know you've done the right thing and behaved with great integrity. Even if she makes you incredibly angry, you know that you are good for her son. If she has any kind of common sense, she'll figure that out eventually. And if you are gracious and kind, other people will see that too.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I wasn't offended at all and I did not think you a lowly teenager. I was giving you what might have been his mum's perspective so you didn't take her treatment of you too much to heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Ciar, no matter how you tried to word it, that answer was incredibly patronising and somewhat hurtful. His education is not supported at all by his parents, neither is his personal life, he only goes home on holidays to see his parents and he pays board when he stays there for long periods of time. He's moving out completely in June and he is completely independent of his parents financially (and has been since I've known him). You probably didn't realise this if you're not familiar with the English University system.
Also, 2 years is not a long time to anyone in retrograde, and I never say that I thought we'd been together for a long time.
I tried very hard to explain this problem from an objective point of view, but honestly if you'd seen his mother with me first hand you would probably be thinking the same as me, as other people have thought the same thing without even seeing us spend much time together.
You're obviously an older reader, probably a parent who was slightly offended by a lowly teenager daring to think that an adult is treating her somewhat unfairly.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (8 January 2012):
Despite what you've said there is nothing in your post to prove she dislikes you in particular, just that she's concerned about him with women in general and you happen to be the one there now.
It's been my experience and observation that mothers of sons can be somewhat strange. I think it's because they know a man's world is a hard place and they try to compensate by being especially protective. Add that to the fact that he is an only child and I can understand why she is the way she is.
As long as he lives with his parents (on holidays or the offseason) he is not totally independent, especially if his education is being subsidized, so his mum does have the right to express an opinion and keep tabs on how he spends money. Kids today tend to stay with parents much longer than they used to, some never leave, and many return when they have money or relationship troubles. His mum wants to ensure, for his sake as well as her's, that she won't end up supporting him for longer than she should.
Remember, perception of time differs the older you get. What seems like a long time to you (2 years) feels more like a month to her so in her eyes, you have yet to prove you are in this for the long haul. Without trying to sound patronizing, you're are still a teenager and your boyfriend is barely an adult. Life at your age is full of changes and his mum is wise enough to expect them from either of you.
From what you've said, his mum hasn't treated you badly. She's just treating you like the teenage girlfriend you are. For all she knows either one of you will lose interest in the other six months from now and be on to someone else. You're not a member of the family (yet) so it is acceptable that she not treat you as one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): This sounds exactly like my best friend, she has the exact same problem with her boyfriend's mother.My friends boyfriend's mom controls her son, she also checks what he's spent his money on and moans if he's spent too much on her. She even moans when he goes to her house for too long. My friend is also respectful and polite but still, his mom continues to dislike her for no reason. And you know why?Simply because she doesn't want to see him grow up.And yes, it makes a huge difference that your boyfriend is an only child because it means he is his mothers one and only pride and joy and she know's once he moves out and gets serious with you, that's her baby grown up.It most likely isn't you as a person at all, it's simply because she doesn't want him to grow up, or get hurt.
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A
female
reader, Roo5  +, writes (8 January 2012):
She's just concerned for her son and doesn't want him to get hurt.
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