A
female
 ,
*ooty
writes:hi,I really need some strong advice now please! I've posted before on cupid , a few times , and i'm now struggling again.I have a relationship with a man, whose got 2 chuldren , similar ages to me. They don't really get along , but it hasnt stopped us being together. His daughter however , has only been at home now and again, as she worked away , and has been in numerous troublesome situation/relationships etc , now returning home for good, pregnant , and with no father on the scene (there were two potential fathers involved?).She is not a totally unpleasant person, but a drama queen, and i'm afraid I struggle to have much time for her. I have in the past tried to be a friend to her, and she roped me into some difficult situations (shes 23 by the way) then shows me no respect or very little else later. When shes around he becomes a little distant , and what I feel is extremely close to her. I wonder if I'm a little jealous , and do try to keep my feelings under control , but he seems to respect everything about her , which he will then tell me he hates such behavior in general conversation? Despite the cruelness (his words not mine) with which she handled her current situation , he is now molly coddling her, attending scans , touching her all the time and being generally distant with me, which despite me trying to be logical about it, is now rubbing me up the wrong way.We're now just about at splitting up stage , due to the distance betweens. I really dont know what to do. On one hand 'we' have so much potential , on the other hand , i dont know how much I can tolerate. Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): Dear posterIts me again sorry for the mix up, now I get a better picture.Now put yourself in your partners shoes wouldn't you be going a bit loopy if your daughter if you have one came home pregnant and alone.Then on top of all of that arrange a termination which is not easy, only to not go through with it again not easy you are all being put through the wringer her I also include you as it must be difficult BUT if you can get through this, which I am sure you can as you seem like you want to help, this girl is going to need all the help she can get. Yes I am sure she is a drama queen (lol) but her hormones must be everywhere at the min (remeber) Also your partner will vent his concerns to you whatever you do please do not bad mouth his daughter he will hate you for it, just listen to him be there tell him you will all get through this.I wish you ALL all the best for the New Year
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female
reader, sooty +, writes (24 December 2007):
sooty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHifirstly thanks for all the advice. The first answer seemed quite harsh , as I am not being catty , have offered help , both in means of support for him to talk (as I will add , originally the daughter had said she wanted to terminate at a late stage , and told both potential fathers of the pregnancy , then opted to have the child , the night before the termination was booked, leaving my boyfriend distraught?) also to her in terms of listening to her worries (mainly concerning her weight?) and offering her baby equipment etc.All of which has been indirectly rejected. Also to one of the readers, I should explain i meant my children were similar ages to his , not me personally! , but they are like chalk and cheese as they are quieter and do have more respect for the feelings of others,. Though my children have a father , he spent very little time with them , and I other than financially , have raised them more or less of my own accord , so I do know what it's like. I am still considering our future , though feel he's backing off more and more by the day , which is having the same effect on me. But I would like to thank you for the comments
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): Dear posterNot to pick on you personally. but this is the prob with age differences. He has 2 kids similar ages to you, so he's old enough to be your dad! daughters yes drama queens but who else can she turn to when in trouble! he is doing the right thing even though he disagrees with his daughter she is pregnant alone so well done dad! words of warning anytime you date a single dad his kids will always come first or he's not up to much.I think you have now had a taster of what its going to be like you should bale out, find someone more suited to you that can give you all their attention as you are quite young yourself why should you settle.He is going to be a grandad, babysitting is that what you want!I am not trying to be hard on you or hurt you just pointing out the obvious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): If shes a drama queen, its his fault. She has no bouderies because he didnt teach her any any as child. if you're on the outside looking in its because he has made you feel that way. he shouldnt be showing her all the attention while you just stand on the side lines. Time for you to move on. Not all single parents are dysfunctional but a lot are. (Im a single dad and can say that :-))
J
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reader, rcn  +, writes (24 December 2007):
 You may be a bit jealous. The problem here is, she's now an adult. She needs to be treated as such. It's so true when said "we are not raising children, we're raising adults." It's up to us as parents to train our children as the adult they will become, so they can make well informed choices in their lives. It sounds like there has been too much babying and not enough letting her pull herself up after making a mistake. We can still remain active with our kids when they become adults. Being there for them if they need to talk or seek our advice, but a like has to be drawn of our help and where we let our kids learn from their experience without our interference.
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reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2007):
You may be a bit jealous. The problem here is, she's now an adult. She needs to be treated as such. It's so true when said "we are not raising children, we're raising adults." It's up to us as parents to train our children as the adult they will become, so they can make well informed choices in their lives. It sounds like there has been too much babying and not enough letting her pull herself up after making a mistake. We can still remain active with our kids when they become adults. Being there for them if they need to talk or seek our advice, but a like has to be drawn of our help and where we let our kids learn from their experience without our interference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): She's his daughter.
No matter how angry at her he is, or how much he hates what she is doing... he has a duty to be there for her no matter what.
There is a baby involved now and no amount of bitching on your part is gonna help.
So take step back and realise his entire world doesn't revolve around you at this juncture.
Irregardless of your personal feeling towards this girl, stop being so catty and selfish and help out.
Flynn 24
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