| A
age
26-29,
writes: For a lot of people, romantic relationships are the foundations of their lives, whether they have that relationship present, or they've just lost it and are looking for a way to rid themselves of the ache, or they're simply searching for it, the majority of people have a desire to find that romance that will help them to grow as a person. But there are some people in the world that don't live for relationships, and not all of them, but some of them are classified by psychologists as the 'dismissive avoidant'. The term 'dismissive avoidant' simply means that the person in question does not desire a relationship because they have mastered and completed a mental transformation which now allows them to say and truly believe: "I am good enough alone, I don't need anyone to support me, they aren't important in my life". While this may seem unusual and 'ridiculous' to some people, to a dismissive, this is a way of life, and although it might not be completely positive from top to bottom, it has it's benefits. Avoiding relationships allows people to recognise or ignore their own faults, whichever the case may be, but it also frees people from the possibility of blaming others. It also keeps the dismissive from emotional harm, how can you be hurt by someone if you don't let them close enough to your heart? But while many people believe that being a 'dismissive avoidant' is a controlled decision, it's really not, people don't choose to become this person, it's who they are. The reason people believe this to be a choice is due to an event in the person's past which highlights their emotional behaviours. E.g. someone has hurt that person or someone has left them in the middle of a relationship. The dismissive then uses this as a barrier for later relationships when the dismissive either becomes bored of the relationship or the intimacy is becoming too intense for them to handle. When this occurs, they can return to their past memories and use them as a weapon against their current partner. A common misconception is that 'dismissive avoidants' don't have relationships, that is not true, for some people it may be true, but usually, the dismissive is willing to have a relationship as long as they can keep a control on the emotional boundaries of that relationship. They will never allow someone to get closer than they are willing to go because they do not believe they need people in their lives, they are proud of their self-sufficiency and independence.The dismissive also finds attachment difficult to take seriously, they have very few early emotional memories due to their unwillingness to search inside themselves. While everything may appear ideal in their lives, negative facts will sometimes leak through into their explanations of things, but they will then explain that it made them a strong person and go on to reveal how proud they are of themselves, sometimes belittling those in relationships. This is a way of dismissing emotions they have suppressed or avoiding certain questions that could suggest they are not as strong as they first appear to be. 'A dismissive is often seen to be hostile, distant and very often condescending' - (paraphrased from Karen - pg 383). The dismissive is able to have their sexual needs met through the use of less demanding partners - i.e, no desire to see one another regularly, no desire to talk everyday, no desire to show real intimacy. The dismissive will also have difficulty in expressing or even showing their feelings to other people, they avoid topics of conversation through the use of condescending responses that leave the other speaker feeling less about themselves and their relationships. This dismisses the topic of abstract nouns such as love, and returns the conversation to the physical here and now. The point of this article is to illustrate the possibility that not everyone around you is searching for their soul mate and that if you are repeatedly being pushed away or rejected by a person, the reason may not be as cut and dry as 'they're not nice' or they're either 'arrogant' or 'shy', they may genuinely not feel comfortable with the idea of a relationship.
View related questions:
no desire, soulmate Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2014):
I think this is an absolutely terrific article. The reality is, of course, that not every characteristic described will be present in every person who fits this “dismissive” type, but it does shine a light on a mindset that leads a person away from intimate relationships. IT goes a very long way to help those who find the notion of being single by choice a difficult concept to comprehend, and will kindly and naively tell such individuals that their time will come and they’ll meet some-one eventually, because those good souls haven’t realised that this person is not seeking that. It’s much easier to conceptualise the singleton seeking their special some-one, then a person who has chosen, or considers that they have chosen, a single life. IT is also very balanced. Life-long singletons like me (hopefully I’m not a dismissive avoidant), can often feel patronised by commentaries that portray us as emotionally incapable of having a relationship, selfish, or hostile to, and contemptuous of those who are in relationships when nothing could be further from the truth. IT shows how those traits can develop in some people, but also acknowledges the benefits of self-mastery and having one’s own sense of completeness. IT avoids generalisations, demonising, or patronising, and, more than that, it highlights just how much variation there can be in the reasons for the choices and the mindsets of single people. A job well done and an absolute delight to read.
I wish you all the very best.
|
