A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a partner who watches porn and looks at pictures of naked women. I couldn't understand this so I gave it a go myself.Problem is I think I prefer the porn, I don't want to make a habit of it as morally and for my own reasons I don't find porn unacceptable but that's a different matter.My orgasms were more intense and I didn't have to put in any effort and I could look at whatever I wanted. Now I'm not interested in sex with my partner. The porn thing sapped the love and trust out of our relationship anyway. He's been watching it for 20 years and he's dead inside.Anyone with similar stories or just any comments about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): i am in the same situation... i don’t want to go through the hassle of having sex when i get a lot more pleasure out of masturbating to porn... i even got myself a dildo.
the problem is! before then my boyfriend and i had been having devotes about trying different things in bed, some of the things he suggested made me anxious and nervous and i really don’t want to do it, so i think he felt like i was being uptight and like he is missing out... although i tried hard to keep him and myself interested by trying new things ‘’within reason’’, it was not enough.
i think i am using porn and self-pleasuring as a way to avoid going back to the anxiety i felt by having to be really impressive in bed... this way i get to orgasm feel good and no have to go throw the whole foreplay arousing and/or having to be a porn star in bed, I don’t have to do anything, so i prefer it to having sex with him!
the issue is he keeps wondering why are we not having sex anymore and i don’t know how to break it down to him, i am no longer interested in sex. it is destroying me and i want to stop but i entered a vicious circle were i feel horrible for doing it, yet i can't stop it.
i was also introduce to porn by my boyfriend who loved watching real couples in action, it is pretty vanilla stuff but still a lot more exciting than our sex life, truth is I was never great at sex and the harder I tried the worst I felt as I never got the result I wanted.
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Yes, it is the porn and I had this same scenario with my partner which played out years ago. When I used porn, as my partner had been using it and it was my way of trying to understand what was going on (if you can't beat them, join them); yes, my orgasms were stronger watching porn as I guess they were with my partner when he watched porn. It also took away the closeness between us so the act became just that, an act. When we stopped, there were very clear markers. He was better in bed, we were more intune, he came very quickly, whereas when he watched porn, he'd be there for ages trying to pop one out.
Also, on some other posts, people have talked about porn collections!!! Now, we've had other posts saying men just need a quick release so they turn to porn. Why have a collection then? I don't understand. Are you singling out specific people or acts? Just be true to yourself at the end of the day. My partner has a porn loving friend who I personally find repulsive, as he has all the qualities of a creepy porn watcher. He believes that, slaggy 15 year old girls are up for it (due to his teen porn watching). Maybe I should have branded him a paedo when he came up with that statement??? We popped round his house unexpectedly one evening to find porn being played out on his TV screen. He recently had a date with someone who he had met online; he spent the entire evening trying not to look at her tits which she picked up on and eventually told him she didn't want another date. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men out there who still think it is acceptable to view women as tits and fanny, but that highlights more about them than the women. I generally find though, that it is the porn watchers that behave like this. I think one of the uncles has said before that chances are they'll look at your sister, friend etc and want to f**k them. Well, if that's not a good reason to give up porn, then I don't know what is. They have become desensitised and every scenario becomes a porn scenario.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Can porn have destructive effects? Can it hurt and break up relationships? Yes of course.
So can religion, gambling, alcohol, relatives, friends, careers, children, mass media, and just about anything else worth talking about.
That fact by itself does not prove something has no place in our lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): My husband and I have been living apart for the last year due to work. We see each other several times per month, but I've started using porn also.
I can relate. My orgasms are more intense, I have more fun watching porn images and its not tiering as I don't have to perform physically for the same result.
I know this is NOT healthy, but I started using it when I found out my husband uses it. He say's that porn does not interfere with his desire for sex (2-3 times per week) and it doesn't compare to the real thing. I think he only views porn 2-3 times per week when I'm not there. When I'm around, hardly ever. Although I have walked in on him about to start one evening when I got home from work early :l
Yes, his porn use makes me extremely insecure. I guess thats a woman thing, isn't it? We'd like to think we can monopolize our mans desire for beauty. Unfortunately, he's wired differently. After one heated discussion he said himself that he has a, 'deep seeded need for variety', hence the porn viewing sometimes. Yeah, for a woman its a blow. But, he's his own man. I can't control his inner private life, his fantasies and desires. I wish I was enough though.
For me though, porn is better than sex.YIKES! He's not very aggressive in bed and the sex isn't 'fun', just loving and passionate. I tend to get excited by aggressive, mind blowing, loud sex. So his, slow and gentle style doesn't do it for me all the time. So I've found that I get more excited with porn.
Its something that my husband and I will have to work on once we live together again.
I understand where you are coming from. However, the comments you made about your husband indicate a breakdown in your relationship, not just porn use.
I urge you to seek couples counseling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Do people who watch porn end up dead inside, or do people who are dead inside find themselves attracted to porn?
Part of the appeal of porn even when sex is available you desribed yourself, it is easy... but as much fun?
You claim orgasms are more intense. Why? It could be that the fantasy is more intense but you could fantasize during sex. It could be that the stimulation is more of what you need but it ain't illegal to touch yourself during sex.
Why is masturbation with fantasy better then sex?
You need the fantasy
You have grown to resent your partner and sex with him lost its edge because of it.
Your better at it then your partner
Maybe something else, maybe a combo.
If porn made people dead inside, most men would be dead inside. We are not, we just smell that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I have a baby daughter with this man, and he is a good man. I'm sorry but porn is destructive, to users and to the girls who star in them. You really need to do your research.
My sex life is actually excellent, but due to the anti depressants I'm on I find it hard to climax.
I think for some women, when they find there men has been looking at other women, it knocks their self esteem and makes them feel less of a person. It's nothing to do with jealousy. It just causes this emotional pain in me that I can't control. Asking me not to react is like asking me not to breathe. I can't help it.
No amount of comments like 'porn is normal' is going to help. I would rather be alone than keep subjecting myself to that kind of pain.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Unfortunately this is a growing problem. While I'm not 100% sure porn is 100% to blame, around 50% of divorces now cite porn as one of the main reasons for the divorce.
Why don't you seek a couples counselor and take a permanent hiatus from porn?
Check out this website for more information:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I don't think it has anything to do with porn to be honest OP, I think you've just found that as an outlet, it's a coincidental thing here I'd say something you like to attribute to being a problem when you have some far deeper issues here.
I say that because I have been watching it and using it for about the same amount of time as your partner and my own partner likes to use it too and we're both very passionate about each other and our sex lives, 7 years in and we're still intensely sexual.
"My orgasms were more intense and I didn't have to put in any effort and I could look at whatever I wanted."
Well when your sex life is as horrible as it seems then of course using visual stimulation is going to make your orgasms more intense and easier to achieve.
"Now I'm not interested in sex with my partner."
You don't seem interested in your partner at all to be honest OP seeing as you say there's no love or trust.
Porn is not the issue here OP, you say it's the reason there's no love or trust but it's not the reason you insist on staying in this horrible sounding non-relationship.
The real issue here OP is that you're in a dead relationship, a rut and nothing got to do with porn is going to fix it.
Now I respect the fact that a lot of people find porn reprehensible, I also respect the fact that a lot of people don't want it in a relationship, what I don't get is why people like that stay in relationships with porn users. I mean you've even gone one step further and started using porn when you say you hate it, when you say it has killed the love and trust and when you seem think it's this huge issue.
No offence OP but what did you expect to achieve by doing that?
You need to put porn to side for the moment and examine your relationship. Ignore porn as a factor and break down your relationship in terms of what you have and what you don't have then ask yourself why you still persist in sticking around.
If you're a person that doesn't want porn in your life then why the hell do you have it in your life?
Time to consider another way of living OP, maybe it's time you moved on but it's definitely time you examined this relationship and whether it really has a future. Porn is not the cause of your problems and it's not the solution. People love to say it damages relationships, it has never damaged any of mine so I just will never understand how it can. To me it's a very easy solution. You don't like it and your partner won't stop using it then you leave and find a more compatible partner. Just like anything else, if something your partner does hurts you or spoils your relationship, if they can't/won't stop then you move on. How hard is that?
No love, trust, you've lost your lust for him and he's dead inside. You literally have no relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Yes I have horrible things to tell you about porn,
My first boyfriend: was a porn addict, who told me how to look. He had recently had to be circumstised possibly through too much masturbation because it hurt when he got an erection.
My fifth boyfriend: was satisfyed sleeping with me twice a week, found out he was looking at porn. Never hardly said anything suggestive to me. Selfish in bed.
My sixth boyfriend: didn't appear to be that attracted to me, downloads porn when he isn't even horny. Had erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation, whenever we did have sex he had to think extra dirty thoughts to make something happen for him. Never hardly said anything suggestive to me. The porn made me jealous and insecure, we split up.
Me: I nearly became addicted to gay pornography, yes I am female. When I had a partner I could not get off on him, even when he was in the room with me if I was masturbating whilst beside him. I could try and think about him whilst masturbating but my mind would just go back to porn movies I'd seen. Infact I can vaguely remember thinking about some porn I'd seen when he was actually doing things to me, I wasn't thinking of the actors just the acts.
So yes it is very destructive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): It's becoming more and more noticeable what the affects of porn are, but by the time men figure it out, it's often too late.
Relationships suffer...men are getting their sex education from porn and are having ED issues as young men and can't figure out why.
Experienced older women are beginning to come out and express they are wondering why sex with men is not so good anymore...they are more like young teenager inexperiences jack rabbits...because they are watching porn and thinking they are going to get the same result with a real live women and the women are not getting into it whatsoever.
Porn continues to push the limits, go to the extreme and women are in situations that are beyond degrading anymore.
Men are getting a very skewed picture of what real women look like in bed and what they "think" women want and enjoy.
The "all men watch porn and women need to get over it" is getting extremely old and holds no weight over the thousands and thousands of women distressed over the same problems and what men are becoming in the bedroom, their every day life, their immature attitude and extreme denial over the whole porn issue.
I firmly stand on the belief that there is no place for porn in a relationship if at least one of them is against it. It causes distrust and almost always ends badly. If both adults have no problems watching porn, they should discuss what the boundaries are, because even consenting partners can get into a troubled relationship if at least one becomes addicted or crosses the established line in the fantasy of porn.
I also find, these men who are watching so much porn have way too much time on their hands and don't really have much else in their lives. It's really kind of sad when you think about it. Our computer world has turned people into socially ackward people, bigger perverts, fantasies of being anything and anybody hiding behind a computer screen, young boys who can't even talk to a girl or another boy unless it's through a text, they learn unrealistic views of women or men and are missing out and have no concept of real courtship, real love and desire for a women or a man because they are seeing extreme and degrading acts performed on other people.
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