A
male
age
36-40,
*nimalkindness
writes:Is it normal that Dumpers always want to be friends or find it cool than how a dumpee views it? And Im not talking about right after a breakup, but after time they seem to just be cool to maintain some truceor form of contact.It is clear that a dumpee suffers much much 10x more than a dumper does, so I can see how a dumper could find it cool later on to maintain some form of truce/friendship and contactwith an ex years later, because frankly ,they never suffered the intense pain and suffering that the dumpee felt by the hands of the other.SO in the end,the definition of "moving on" has a big different meaning for the dumper and dumpee. The dumpee is moving on from someone that has caused them intense pain,that ended it by choice,that felt cruel and was a conscious decision to do so(there is no easy way to let someone go)So the dumpee is moving on from feelings of betrayal, rejection, pain(how could this person do this to me) (How can he be so cruel etc)( what about everything he told me, he would die for me)(why is he deciding to throw it all away)*etc, so theyre recovery and moving on consists of letting go of the link,love, memory, devotion and honor they have for their partner no matter how much they dont want to un-honor or undevote to someone they must.(becuz those are the very things that hurts them and prevents them from moving on),So when a dumpee actually move on which can take years, theyre desire for any form of friendship for an ex is resisted even if they once admired this person, but rather there feelings are more about "I have survived"so moving on means not going back in any way shape or form and to avoid reminders, because it wasnt easy to finally be free( yes once upon a time he/she was important, but the dumper ended it.So....)Meanwhile the dumper is moving on from the relationship, from the person, it is a conscious decision, this is in his/her hands. He wants to meet others.his moving on means one day maybe we can be friends, He most likely honors and cherishes memories of the ex and the happy moments along with recognizing the bad moments*With why he beleives they are not ment to be together*, he may even carry old momentums, it just doesnt hurt him as much. He may even have a bit of guilt who knows?But basically He doesnt need to completely forget his ex to move on. Because he in a a way already did when they were together.So I was wondering, it is very common for dumpers to desire a friendship or truce with there dumpee, But in the end, they go through different tactics and phases of what it means to move on, so they just drift apart and become strangers and never speak again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): well you got it in one!
The dumper feels they still maintain the power and control and also they still love themselves enough to want to keep tabs on the dumped!
Thats why the dumpee has to dump the dumper back and refuse contact!
Because the dumpee walked all over everything that was important to them and has the capacity to do it again (if you
let them).
If there are no children involved you can wipe the slate clean as the dumped and moving on means getting away from whoever had so little regard for them!
Anything else is just confusion and to be avoided at all costs!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2016):
 I don't think there is a "golden rule" for this. Often the Dumper have already dealt with their feelings and are over the relationship whereas the dumpee hasn't done that yet or have refused to accept that the relationship is coming to an end.
Each relationship is different. There is a saying that relationships often ends the way they began, so I'm sure you can imagine the variation right there.
I do think the Dumpers who offer "friendship" are doing it not because they WANT to be actual friends, but to soften the blow or simply because they miss that person in their lives.
And sometimes people offer "friendship" to keep the other party around, just in case they need a fall-back girl/boy - if they can't find someone "better".
The whole friends with the ex is a newer thing. To me, it's like an extension of the notion of "facebook friends" utterly useless. I think it's really rare and really hard to go from bf/gf to friends, but some people CAN do. SHOULD people do it? I rarely think it's a good idea unless both people are FULLY over each other. And I think it created more future drama than it helps (in general)
Either way, it's really up to the persons involved what they want to do. Some "think" staying friends helps until they realize it only makes then stuck and some just don't want anything to do with it. A friendship only really works if both parties want it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): I am friends with someone who dumped me then I dumped them .. why because .. It was ldr and 1st time . He couldn't make his mind up between me and someone else ( I didn't know this ) and then he rung to tell me he was seeing her stung a Lil but because we hadn't fully committed I said it was fine .. that didn't work for him as the other girl
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 September 2016):
 ***Sometimes the dumper may feel like they're not cared about and if that's true and they dump their partner then it could also be true that the dumped isn't as bothered because they actually werent that into the relationship.***
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 September 2016):
I see your point, but I don't think it will always go like this. I'm sure that some times the person dumping can hurt just as much or even more than the person that they've dumped but they may of had to do it for a reason like they're being continuously hurt or let down by the person that they're dumping and they've gotten to a point where they can't deal with it anymore and it's for the best.
Sometimes the dumper may feel like they're not cared about and if that's true and they dump their partner then it could also be true that then dumped isn't as bothered because they actually were that into the relationship.
I think for the most part that you're correct, that the person being dumped will be more upset, but I don't think it's the case in every scenario.
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