A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with this man for 20 years, married for 14. We have children together. For a few years now he's been wracking up credit card debt like crazy, with nothing to show for it. The debt is more than we make in a year. I don't get it. It's not coming into the house, he's not buying clothing for us or food or anything. He has no toys. Nothing. I can't afford to make the payments any more. It's to the point that I believe I have to file bankruptcy. I've told him over and over again that we cannot keep doing this. He says all the right words, crying, saying how sorry he is, et. cet. Then the next month the credit card comes in and there's more charges on it. The charges are all work related charges, which he gets cash reimbursement from the company for. So I'm not sure where the cash is going, but it's not towards the credit card debt or into the family. I am at a loss as to what to do next. So what would you do?
View related questions:
bankrupt, debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Gambling, sex, drugs, and lots of other places is where it all goes. He may also be defrauding his company.By the way, you are in the USA, he is accumulating this debt, and even if you get divorced, you can be held liable for that debt as well, it is a joint benefit to the family from the point of view of the credit card companies and legal precedent, even if it can't be seen at the home. I know this from experience.One of my family members was married to someone who was spending around 45K per year like this, but unclear where. They ended up divorced, for other reasons including an affair, and that was when the spending became apparent as they did the financial side and taxes. My family member was truly blindsided by how much spending had gone on invisibly to them, and ended up raising his two kids, with a massive debt burden, and being at risk for losing even more if the ex-wife (who spent all the money) declared bankruptcy in the first 5 years after they divorced. They still don't know where all the money went.Get a lawyer...now...you are going to need it, and you may need a criminal defense lawyer at some point if he is defrauding the company he works for.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Can you, in these moments where he's crying and saying sorry, take away his credit card and claim 100% control over your financial situation? Have him, when he's realized how bad the situation is, hand over all responsibility to you for your shared economy?
It sounds like an addiction of his. There is no saying where the money goes, it could likely be on nothing at all, such as him buying a coke here or there, maybe he lends it out, maybe he buys candy? Is he overweight? Maybe he likes to go and waste it on a hobby of his that he's kept secret, or to buy alcohol. You never know. But it does sound compulsive as each time he realizes it's bad, but that he continues to do so.
He's not responsible enough to have that credit card. Is it not possible to take it away from him? To remove it? It will not make the dept go away, but it can keep the dept from growing even larger.
Have you calculated that the dept isn't rising purely because of the dept itself? As with loans, credit dept also gets extra charges the longer you keep the dept on the card, extra money that you can prevent having to pay by paying the dept in a hurry. Are you sure that the extra charges made to the card are not from the dept itself getting charged?
Can you not contact the bank and ask for a print out over where the card has been used? If you can not, you should look for a bank where they can give you print outs over where the card has been used. I know my bank does that, I use an online bank where at any time I can log in and check where my cards have been used and how much was used at each place.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Oh boy. This doesn't look good I'm afraid. If he has work related expenses, are these for meals, mileage, fuel, etc. for business trips?
The money *has* to be going somewhere. If he isn't showing you anything, and you see no evidence of his purchases, and the debt is so great that you are considering bankruptcy, I suspect that he is cheating, because cash is the one way that actions cannot be traced.
Also, why is he recieving cash? Having worked with money, I'm pretty sure that they are reimbursing him with an expense check. Why can it not be direct deposited along with his paychecks? Why can't he give you his reimbursement checks for you to deposit and record?
Seriously, I would start monitoring his activities. Phone records, including if he has a hidden phone account. Credit cards he's hidden from you. P.O Boxes he might have opened to hide bills from you. Computer records, any sites he might be on, etc.
Also, if it's not women, it might be drugs. Does he show evidence of taking any? I'm not necessarily talking street drugs, although that is a possibility. He could be buying illegal prescription drugs. Does he complain of pain? Does he go to doctors a lot?
Remember, he does not say all the right words unless he's telling you the truth and coming up with a solution to let you have 100% oversight on his reimbursement. HE does not cash those checks. You do. If you're not handling the family's finances, it's time you start. Close your credit cards, protect yourself.
Even if you do file for bankruptcy, it won't be the end of your problems if he's still engaging in the behaviors that got you into the mess in the first place. Within 3 years, you'll again be in the same position.
Tell him to hand you all of the checks that match EXACTLY the credit card bills, or you're calling it quits. Financial infidelity can be every bit as wrong as sexual infidelity, and it's a strong chance he might be involved in that as well. Time to end his party.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): It could be that he is laying debt upon debt, paying off one credit card with another, getting into a spiral that is difficult to get out of. If you can, you need to sit down with him and lay out all the bills, credit statements, the lot, so you can pin point where the money is going. He probably has not been open with you about what is going on. Until you know where the problem is you can not tackle it. As he seems unable to deal with this it seems you will have to take some control as he appears reluctant to face the debts head on.
...............................
|
