A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and it's been a very intense time - we've lived together, been on holiday, done a lot of things in a short time. In fact I had to move out because it was a little too much, although we're still together. He's very affectionate, very passionate person, and has a very high sex drive, but hasn't had a relationship longer than 3 months in the past.We started going out and I realised he had a few habits I really didn't like - he watched a lot of porn and most infuriatingly, has a huge wandering eye. He seemed to eye up almost anyone, when I was there even, sometimes girls I'd consider to be less attractive than me. He's even flirted with girls I've told him I specifically don't like. This has led to a few major rows, in which I've said that it leads me not to trust him. He has admitted it's because he likes the attention and I read too much into things, and has made a concerted effort to stop flirting in front of me, although I'm pretty sure he does it behind my back. But fine, everyone flirts, ok.I am quite a paranoid person anyway - my last relationship ended because I found he was cheating on me through reading his text messages (a cardinal sin I know - but in that case, my instincts proved right), and because of my suspicions with my boyfriend now, I've found myself doing the same when he's out of the room a couple of times. I feel awful admitting this but I've even gone through his wallet a few times. I've never found anything incriminating apart from one thing. He carries condoms in his wallet (and I'm on the pill). I questioned him about this once and he said "oh it's tradition, I always have" and "you never know, sometimes we might need them" but I've checked a couple of times, and there's always different ones in there. And this worries me. He doesn't know I've checked and am monitering it, and I won't bring it up again because I don't want to accuse him with no proof again - it might just be me being paranoid. But it bothers me that the three times I've looked there's been different condoms in there. Am I being over-the top? Could there be other reasons?It's not helped by the fact he is a bit sneaky about certain things - he lies occasionally about money, and I've caught him grabbing a quick fag since he gave up a few months ago. Am I being too harsh I wonder?Despite all this, I'm hugely in love with him and would really like this to work out. A lot of my friends say he looks besotted with me when we’re out together, (indeed he is a bit TOO clingy at times, which oddly contradicts the fact he eyes others up a lot), he texts me a lot, and never gets annoyed with me, unlike I do with him!It's making me feel shit that I doubt him behind his back, and he's always telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me - he's even hinted at marriage.I just feel awful and want a second opinion.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Thanks that's really helped give me an objective opinion. It's kindof clarified what I said and it also makes me annoyed that he's accused me of this paranoia thereby making me doubt pretty obvious signs.
I'm not gonna do anything sudden but slowly give him the cold shoulder over the next week then end it. There's no point confronting him because I'll get a lame response again. I'm too nice at times, it can be a weakness.
Thank you all SOOO much for such sensible advice, tho I'd never dream of the pin scenario and inflict some poor girl with his sprog.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 Worrying signs indeed.
I have been looking for ways to excuse his behaviour, after all you said he treats you very well, is affectionate and tells you he loves you. But I am then reminded of a gent I worked with who doted on his wife, bought her flowers, jewellery etc and then screwed anything he could get his hands on.
I fear you could be getting set up to be "the one" , the girl who marries the serial womaniser.
His history of failed relationships, the condoms constantly changing, the learing at girls are all symptoms of the womaniser.
You said your last partner cheated on you too? Is this just bad luck or do you tend to find yourself attracted to these type of guys. Are you able to do some self reflection and see why you go for guys who are bound to cheat/break your heart.
A girlfriend of my wife and I is a classic example of a woman who falls for the lovable rogue, she is beautiful ,intelligent and yet is attracted to self absorbed arseholes who treat her like a queen at first then start screwing anything that walks in the door. She breaks up with one, then the next comes along. I just hope this doesnt apply to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 I'm with Doctor Phil. Since you're on the pill, he doesn't need that condom, UNLESS he's using it with someone else. Which is what he is doing. You don't have to feel bad about yourself for doubting him, because your doubts have full foundation.
As to his being clingy, it's because he wouldn't like someone else to catch your eye. As his eye is caught by others.
Like the good old Doctor Phil said, every man looks around; but, not in the presence of the woman you love. And there's a huge difference between looking, which is what your eyes are for, and FLIRTING, which is a conscious act. Not everybody flirts, you know.
The next time you find a condom in his wallet, remove it and ask him what he wants it for. He will have a lot more explaining to do.
But, I'm afraid he won't change. Maybe you should verify whether he is cheating on you, and then, if he is, leave him.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Hi there
I agree with Uncle Phil, maybe not putting a pin in them as he may get someone pregnant! However, it sounds pretty suspicious and your not paranoid - I and most other women would be thinking and doing what you are. If he doesn't need to use condoms with you and they keep changing in his wallet I would flip. But you need to stay calm.
I found a condom in my husbands tracksuit pocket, we don't use them - he was snapped!
You just need to work out how best you can handle finding out why he needs condoms which keep changing. And put it this way, I don't buy the "it's tradition to have some up my sleeve line" Oh no, don't let him get away with that one.
Good luck sweetheart, been there still doing that! But you need to know what he is doing to, your quite normal to have this suspicion already with what you have said.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (8 October 2007):
Changing condoms in his wallet? Hmmm. I can't imagine a single reason for that except the obvious one. I don't buy his excuses either. I mean maybe if it was the same one and obviously had been in there for years. But different ones? Girl, I'm so sorry but I think the writing is on the wall. I don't think you are being too harsh, I don't think you are being harsh enough. Confronting him will get you nowhere, he will just lie about it and accuse you of being paranoid. Trust your instincts. They are probably right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): The condom(s) in the wallet first - very dodgy indeed. On the face of it I'd say he's been using them, And not necessarily for party balloon decorations either.
As for the wandering eye, all men do it. It's a natural instinct. Particularly if there's a fair bit of uplifted chest on view across the room. I do it. My son does it. We point out potential 'eye candy' for each other. But - and it's a big but - we certainly don't do it when we're out with his wife or my partner, which is most disrespectful to them.
I think you've every right to doubt him, and unless he can come up with a plausible answer about the condoms I'd say you need to re-think where you stand with him. Don't be paranoid but trust your instincts.
If you're on the pill what on earth does he need condoms for? Just in case his pals need them? Or he's carrying them for someone else?
Next time you find one in his wallet put a pin through it!
Phil
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