A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently split up with my boyfriend, it was mutual. We still love each other dearly, but there were circumstances outside of our control. Although it's difficult, I'm confident we made the right decision for each other. My problem is trying to move on. I don't mean in terms of other people, dating etc. I'm definitely not ready for that. And, that's fine by me. However, the breakup seems to be effecting the rest of my life (which, I was expecting, but not this much or for this long). I have lost all motivation and I cannot seem to snap out of it. I don't know what to do. It's effecting my work life and as I work freelance I literally cannot afford this to continue. Friends have said things along the lines of; "pick yourself up", "use it as an opportunity", "start making decisions for you", "focus on your work". All of which I agree with, but I don't seem to have it in me at the minute to do any of these things. It's like I know all of the answers, but I don't know what the question is anymore. Does anyone have advice please? Thank you in advance x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): Hi @WiseOwlE, OP here! Thanks so much for your post and the time taken to write it, it’s really appreciated. My reply is long and confused, I'm not sure it makes much sense. But, thank you for giving me the space to share it...I feel depressed, I’m hoping it is just as a result of the break-up and this feeling will leave me, eventually. I don’t know if I’m being foolish. I’m not eating properly, sleeping properly, I’m not exercising or socialising much. “Although you agreed to breakup without drama, your heart wasn't really in it.” I didn’t want it to end. I believe and still do that we could have made it work. It wasn’t so much me being strong, but I wanted to make it easy for him, if that’s what he wanted. I know it’s hard for both of us already. Almost everything you say is true, it’s spooky, reassuring in some respects and scary in others. “Now I will challenge you. Tell us what pisses you off about the breakup. Tell us what caused it.” Here it goes. I hate that he gave up, I hate that he didn’t want it as much as I did. And, I hate him for putting himself first. I know that’s unfair, and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I thought we would be together forever, I saw my future with him. I was working towards that. I think that’s what’s hardest. He would say I supported him throughout the time we were together and I did. But, he never saw or appreciated all that he did for me. My life changed as a result. I have spent the entire summer working, six days a week, and the majority of evenings so that I could be there for him. And, now that he is gone I don’t know why I am doing it. I felt burnt out beforehand, but he was my motivation and inspiration. And, without him, it’s gone. It feels like someone has extinguished a flame. I feel lost and empty. And, alone. Although I speak to my friends about what has happened I don’t think they really understand. Ironically, he would have done. Being with him made me a better person, happier, more intelligence, more creative and more driven. I feel like he just needed to hang on a little more and then we would have been there, the both us, together. I could have proved to him we could have made it work. I know in time things will change, although right now there is a part of me that can’t see it. But, I can’t wait. I don’t want to wait. I cannot afford for this to continue. In an ideal world I would go and take a long vacation. But, I can’t. I have been working freelance for a number of years now, I really felt I was beginning to get somewhere. I have lost out on a number of tenders recently and I fear I will have to move back to my parents before the end of the year. My parents are great and I appreciate their support. However, I feel I am going backwards. I’m not sure what I want from life. What I’m doing it all for. I’ve sacrificed so much, not just for him, but for my work. And, now I’m wondering why. I have no money, no security, no boyfriend. I’m unhappy. And, I’m scared that he papered over the cracks. I guess, he just didn’t love me enough, want me enough and it hurts. I couldn’t walk away from him. He could walk away from me. I can’t picture a life without him. When I think about the future, he’s there. I had never cried over a boy before him. He opened me up, emotionally, he made me sensitive and vulnerable and it was great. And, then he left. And, he left me sensitive and vulnerable and it sucks. I feel like it is all his fault. I did all I could and it wasn’t good enough. I want him to change his mind. But, I’m not sure I could take him back. I feel guilty and confused. I miss him. I just want to hear his voice again, see his smile, smell him, feel his touch.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): Boy do I know what you're feeling! I didn't have the benefit of breaking up amicably as you and your ex-boyfriend did. I was blindsided and dumped. Later to find what he did for me before and after, was all to my benefit. I hold no bitterness, no grudges; and I can look back on it now with nothing but appreciation and gratitude.
I've met someone else since. It's good. It just took time.
If you've reached the point of depression; some therapy or professional-counseling may be necessary to help you along. You should get a complete physical-exam. It is likely you're not eating properly, or getting out of the house.
Please do not turn to alcohol or drugs for self-medication.
Talking to friends and family is good, but you may need more of a professional-opinion and advice as well. Especially, if it is starting to interfere with your professional-life and effecting your livelihood. Then you need to address this directly and not let it do any further harm or damage.
You are likely a very sensitive person. Although you agreed to breakup without drama, your heart wasn't really in it.
I think you were trying to prove to your ex how strong you were and putting on a face of nobility; and hid your true feelings beneath it all. You feel you don't really have closure; because you didn't tell him "how you really feel."
I hope you are not punishing yourself following him up on social media. That is very traumatic and emotionally debilitating. Don't do that to yourself. If he met someone else, or is dating; you'd only know that if you were listening to gossip or keeping tabs. If you are, stop.
Don't commit yourself to friendship with him. Go no contact, and get back to him when you have fully recovered. Even if it takes forever. Your health and well-being comes first.
Maybe you harbor some anger and resentment; because he never really gave you a chance to express how he hurt you, or he never fully gave you the opportunity to offer your apology for how you may have hurt him. Then forgive yourself.
Maybe you feel he could have tried a little harder to work things out, but didn't. You built your future on being together, and that was suddenly snatched from you. There may have been a lot of arguments, and you're still hurting from the hurtful words said and heard. Other elements may have come between you, and you're angry your relationship couldn't endure and withstand it. You feel your time and feelings were wasted; it was all a lie. You feel you'll never find anyone to make you feel like you used to when you first met each other.
You're supposed to feel this in order to move forward.
Your mind is going through random thoughts and past events in order to sort it all out, and truly let go of it. It is purging and deleting harmful viruses, and it is also filing away the good memories. You're rebooting, and you feel terrible.
Maybe the rejection makes you feel a little less attractive than you felt before. Your ego is damaged. It was smashed to bits; and it makes you question your own worthiness. Now you question your own strength, and you feel totally drained of all your power. When I told you at the beginning that I know the feeling, I know at least one of the above has to be true. We all have our own threshold of pain, and recovery-time from life-trauma varies from person to person.
Your over-sensitivity and emotional-distress is coming from two-places. Fearing you didn't do your best, and disappointment from failure. Being a self-employed and self-motivated person, failure is not an option. Your personal-life is crossing-over into your professional-life. You feel totally winded and drained. Been there and done that.
The fact that you didn't give your ex-partner drama shows that you are a person of strong-character. You faced the truth; even if it was hard to swallow. Your mind just has to catch-up with all the events that have sped by. That can be very painful and emotionally incapacitating. Thus your loss of energy and lack of motivation. You've come out of shock, and now it has hit you like a ton of bricks. Am I making any sense here at all? Have I touched on anything you can relate to?
This is where you push yourself uphill. Like climbing the stairs carrying an anvil; each step is hard labor. Don't surrender. Fight! Fight with all you've got, but get some side-counseling to purge your anger and to allow yourself to say what you didn't have a chance to say. You talked before you broke-up, but you held back a lot to be civil and maintain your composure. You wanted to fall apart. You didn't then; but you are now. Admit to yourself you are vulnerable, but that is not weakness. It's human! Don't worry if he handled it better than you did. What you say here is between you and us.
Writing DC is good therapy. Now I will challenge you. Tell us what pisses you off about the breakup. Tell us what caused it. Let go of what you're holding back, but just allow yourself to say it in writing. It doesn't matter how long it is. Just give yourself permission to open-up. I had to do it. It was very cleansing and gave me a sense of freedom. I'm a gay man too. I got my heart broken.
I thought I was in-love. After a long period of being in emotional dormancy, I met someone. I allowed him in, but it failed. He was like the paddles that gave my heart a surge and revived me. I'm forever grateful of that. Now allow me to help another gay man in pain.
Tell us how you really feel. Don't feel afraid. Don't hesitate. No one will judge you. You're bottling it up. It's draining you of your strength. Let it all out my friend. I'll read it if no one else does. I promise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): Unfortunately there are no quick fixes for this. Try to be around people you like. I hope you also have someone you can confide in. It helps to talk about it. Treat yourself to something nice and perhaps find a nice activity or hobby you enjoy. In time the pain will ease. The time will also come when you'll find someone new who will change your life. I wish you the best.
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