A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter has recently been messaging her biological fatherthrough Facebook. I'm really not sure how to handle this or feel about it. He has never shown any interest in her and has never actively tried to see her. I know that now she is 14, I have no say whether she wants to see him or not. But I have read the messages between them, they are standard Jeremy Kyle responses and I am worried that he will let my girl down. My daughter has sent messages that imply she has missed him through out her life. I feel deflated, like her step Dad and I, have not been or are not enough for her. I'm overcompensating for this because I am feeling very guilty and worried the other children are suffering emotionally a and financially. Please help!
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 March 2014):
 At 14 years old, as lovely as she may be, your daughter will only consider herself, she is not an adult and will not think like one.
Like all children she will have totally taken for granted everything you and her step father have done for her.
Her actions are not intended to cause you pain and she's not criticising your parenting skills or the role her step father has had to play in her life.
She is merely exploring the other half of her DNA. She has a need to meet the man who made her and perhaps find out why he wasn't around.
You and your partner are "Mum and Dad" and she knows this.
I know you're frightened he will let her down but that's the risk she has take. You as Mum need to be there to catch her if the relationship fails and she falls.
Support her choices and respect them and she will notice, appreciate and respect that. If things go wrong, just be there with love and comfort. If things go well, rejoice that your daughter is happy.
You are clearly a great mum, don't read more into this than there really is.
I hope this helps and wish you well AB x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice! I do feel a bit better about things now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Everyone wants someone to belong to. And since she went from being an only child to having half-sibling maybe she wanted something that was HERS only. And that would be her dad.
Try and stop over compensating. It's not your fault HER bio dad was useless i the dad-department. Don't feel guilty. I have no doubt that she ha had a GOOD life with you and your husband.
I think most adopted and those with step parents they haven't been around have this fantasy/ideal of what their parent is like. Some kids imagine royalty, famous people, you name it.
It doesn't MEAN that she isn't grateful or HAPPY to have been raised by you guys. It's not that you guys aren't enough, for now though she feels special because she has an extra dad.
I would let he continue to talk to him, my guess it he is still somewhat of a flake and she will figure that out. It might not be nice for her when it happens, so just be there for her and try not to talk too much smack about him, but do NOT make excuses for him either.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I have a niece whose father abandoned her from birth and when she became a teen, she wanted to meet her father and have a relationship with her dads family. Her father nor his family did not contribute a cent to her up bringing. What we realised is that she wants recognition and acceptance as she felt abandoned by her father her entire life. You can lay out the red carpet and give her everything, its a kid just seeking recognition/acceptance/attention and love from the father that abandoned them at birth. You did not fail and with time she will realise that you are a great mum and tried everything within your power to keep her safe happy and loved. So don't be too hard on yourself and let her venture out in search of her dad. If you say anything bad or try to stop her you will end up the bad one and she just needs to learn the hard way.
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