A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there I have recently been dumped by my first "true love". We are both 22 and I am still a virgin. The question is how do I get her back.My ex and I started going out 3 months ago and we saw each other a lot, everything was great apart from that we are both quite shy. I made the first move on intimate activities but not sex, I satisfied her and we spoke about having sex when we had a free house (never happened). We both share all the same hobbies and interests.I started to play in ex's band who gig locally, at gigs my ex would practically ignore me, i found out that she wanted to keep her relationship separate from her career and that she had not wanted to date a band member.when she started music school again after the summer I saw her a lot less as she didn't really give up any hobbies to see me but we saw each other when we were free.She became less affectionate with me as I only saw her at gigs one week so left affection out to lessen the pressure on her. Two Sundays ago she broke up with me saying that the romance has faded and that she didn't feel affectionate to me, she said I was the perfect boyfriend and then started to cry I told her that I loved her to bits and that I had backed off while at gigs as she had requested and i wanted romance. She then said it was hard because of the band and that it was the wrong time in her life for romance, sorry.She text me the next day saying that I could leave the band if I wanted, and to see if I was alright. I told her to not be silly I wouldn't leave and let her down. I also said that it had been painful but I was ok.Since then I hav'nt contacted unless she has text or emailed about the band, I've played a few gigs with her too where she has asked how I have been doing, to which I said good. I've tried to act friendly and happy/cheeky to her and others although I feel so bad about loosing her. She says she really wants to be friends, but I want her back.
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broke up, move on, my ex, shy, still a virgin, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): You can try to rekindle..no one can tell you not to. Just know when to give it up. You seem like a sensitive, nice guy who puts others feelings ahead of himself. Listen, you are an adult male..aged 23. So I am going to be very forthright and super honest here. We all wanted to be loved, and more often than not and for some crazy reason, we all especially want to be wanted by the person who just dumped us. I don't understand that. I think this is all part of the shock and sorrow we undergo when we get dropped. Denial, not using rational thought..it's all part of the cycle of grieving and letting go. Eventually, common sense kicks in. You just have to get there.
So, here it is in a nutshell: A woman who wants you, will move mountains ans swim the deepest oceans to keep you. She's not doing this. If she's not telling you she 'loves you' and wants to get back together, then it isn't much clearer than that. If you don't believe her...then there is nothing any of us Aunts can tell you to accept that. You have to get there on your own. Stop all contact. And let her know what it's like to live without you. After all, you are a wonderful guy and she's given up a prize. But you need to face one very important factor: Right now, she is 'choosing' every single day, to not date you. Save your virginity for another woman who will love you back and give you her trust and loyalty. You really, really deserve that and again...I am sorry.You need to gain strength. You need to accept. Take care, hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I don't want to lose my virginity to just anyone, she really felt like the one, which she even said herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answer, I totally agree with what you have said. It is REALLY tough as she means more to me than anyone I have ever met before, she is only my second proper girlfriend and we really clicked amazing well I really don't want to lose such an amazing friend. I have no interest in any other women as I am super fussy, especially now that I am going through this breakup.
We are playing a gig at her aunties wedding anniversary this saturday, the whole band is going down in a car and staying over. I'm seeing them all tonight at a practice and again tomorrow at a gig before this.
I think she is very impressed that I act so normal around her and haven't left the band, which can only be a good thing. I have ready many articles about rebuilding attraction and am willing to do whatever it takes. I'm also considering telling her exactly how I feel and how good we were together and how it's going to be wasted this saturday, if not leave it till after the new year (she is away over christmas).
This was the first time I have really been I love and the first time in my life I have felt truly happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): So sorry for what you are going through. It's tough. We live in a world where people have total freedom to decide who they date and love and who they don't. I feel bad for what has happened to you, but the girl has spoken.. There is nothing you can do or say to get her back. And why would you want her back? You don't want her to date you again, out of a sense of obligation, do you. To appease your hurt? With no love and just a simple obligation..the dynamics of the relationship turns into pity. Don't do that..leave the band and stop all contact with this girl. Allow yourself to grieve and recover. In a year's time, you'll be playing in another band, dating another wonderful gal and saying to yourself about this current female, "What was I thinking??" But, if you stay with the band, you set yourself up for more future sorrow. Why expose yourself to someone, you know you can't date. ust being around her is a constant reminder of being rejected. Staying connected could cause all sorts of unecessary pain in you all for the quest to 'hang on'. to her. . And when that happens we find ourselves becoming weakened, emotionally and that causes one to be needy. And that is not attractive. This isn't you, is it. She told you, 'it was hard because it was the wrong time of her life for romance'. You need to respect that and move on, hun...today. Good luck and take care of yourself.
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