A
female
age
30-35,
followtheblackrabbit
writes: There's a song by Ne-Yo that absolutely cracks me up now whenever I hear it. "When You're Mad" talks about how sexy it is when your partner gets angry and more than implies the joys and benefits of make-up sex! Deep within my nature, I do have a temper but I've learned a sense of patience and control over the years. My current boyfriend who I'll call "Ray" also has a temper. If we were volcanoes, I'd be the one with magma simmering just below the surface, never exploding. He on the other hand would be the constant erupted-only to calm down and provide nutrients for more and more beauty on his island. Basically, he gets angry, solves it and gets over it. I get angry, hold unto it and then unleash it when least expected.With my past relationships, we never argued, the first time we did became the last time and ended things. It's different with Ray. He's a musician with the sensitivity of a soulful ballad, the strength of hard core rock rift and then, the easy flow of a warm reggae song. He's taught me how to argue with success.First, he'll tell me right away when something bothers him. If we're not in a setting where we can talk, he'll make the time soon after and we take it from there. At first, I felt affronted and defensive. I was taught that it wasn't proper to express feelings of frustration to someone. So in my corner, I'd let things "go." Not Ray. I realized that for him, tackling an issue as soon as it happened was a key point in resolving it. As soon as he talked about it, he could easily go back to being as loving and carefree as was his usual nature.Then, I also took notice that he wasn't out to disrespect me-even if the argument got intense. Back and forth we'd go but no name-calling on his part-or mine. Because he never started, I didn't have the urge to retort and so, that was kept out.The next thing, we both did. If it got too heated, if feelings got too high, we'd take a time-out. "Give me five minutes, please" I'd ask him. "Baby, I love you but I need to hang up for a little bit, ok?" He would say. This surprised me. Thinking on it, I guess we both caught ourselves at times when it had the potential to get nasty and quickly too initiative to recover, collect our thoughts and then, talk when calmer.I spoke to a friend the other day about our constant "fights" and she just shrugs, "You're a Scorpio, he's an Aries-what the heck did you expect?" Yes, we're very different people. He's the extroverted musician with a crazy sense of humor. I'm the introverted bookworm with a sometimes, off-beat way of thinking. "Aren't you worried that you guys are fighting like this early on?" My friend asks. Truthfully, yes and no. Yes, because it does get in the way of otherwise blissful times and no because I think of it we're getting different issues out of the way instead of quietly sulking as is my usual habit. When we kiss and make-up, it's with genuine joy and relief. He'll tease me and say, "I'm glad you're not mad at me anymore but still, you get so cute when you get angry!" I feel safe with him, safe that he won't hurt me in his anger so I too can look at him even as he's frowning and think: "It's kind of sexy when his eyes blaze up like that." Unusual maybe, but true. Hearing that song, I think of Ray and chuckle to myself. "Babe," I say over the phone. "I think I know why we've been arguing so much.""Why?" He asks, interested."Sexual frustration." I tease him, "We're not having any make-up sex."He laughs. "Is that your way of asking?"I blush as he laughs harder and I think: "He may be sexy when he's upset, but I love that smile."
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reader, KnightnDay  +, writes (12 October 2015):
I love the writing ;)
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (30 May 2015):
followtheblackrabbit is verified as being by the original poster of the question I felt the same! As a child, I would literally burst into tears when I heard loud, angry voices and I couldn't even have little spats with friends because they made me nervous. It's taken me time to develop being assertive and at times, I still catch myself being too timid to simply speak up. It's a process :) lol
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 May 2015):
 I think it is lovely that you feel safe with your guy and comfortable enough to thrash things out where you don't agree and then come together as friends after you've resolved things. That is as it should be.
I used to babysit a family of three girls where the confrontational style of the parents made me think they were heading for divorce. Yet they simultaneously blaze up, thrash the issue around, think fireworks and cannons going off and half an hour later they will be fixing a meal together and throwing around jokes and relaxing and the earlier tension is forgotten.
They don't hold it in. In fact that is their style and it works for them. The trust is so high that they remain committed to each other while disagreeing on things often, and then resolve it and get ready for a peaceful evening.
A long time ago I was frightened (as a child) by any sort of fighting. Absolutely hated it.
Growing up I had to learn that there are times when one needs to broach a subject and lay things out in the open. Not in an aggressive way, but in an assertive way.
Thus as an adult I have embraced being assertive and by that I mean respectfully dealing with things and without yelling at the person, which I think solves nothing.
And I am a great believer in "fighting clean" as opposed to "fighting dirty"
I think each couple has to arrive at what suits them.
with one proviso: as long as it does NOT become abusive towards any party in the
Sounds like you have a keeper in your guy
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