A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi allMy boyfriend of 5 years was addicted to porn and because he was desensitized to average porn he signed up to ^^^ buddy websites for a different kind of thrill (real women) He didn't contact anyone on these sites or even fill in his details, simply lurked. When I found out i was fuming ofcourse and felt betrayed. He's since stopped porn completely and trying to win back my trust. But on my part, things are not the same. I still love him, very much so. And he makes me very happy all things considered. But It's just not the same. I feel sad for what we've lost. What I thought was a perfect relatioship suddenly feels fragile. Where I used to accept his words at face value I now question his motives and what he's capable of. My question is how do I move past this? How do I forget? I forgive him but how do I stop the stain permeating the rest of the relatioship? He is a good man and a good partner. Before this I would have said he was close to perfect. I'd hate to throw in the towel without at least trying to work things out. I need help getting over it.Anyone else successfully overcome a betrayal and emerged stronger as a couple?
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male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (29 May 2015):
 Addiction can turn the nicest most honest people into deceitful liars even if they hate themselves for it. Addicts will do almost anything to eventually feed their addiction. The best thing for him to view right now would be the site http://yourbrainonporn.com/This site will help him recover from his addiction and it explains how the brain loses sensitivity to real life stimuli. Porn is a more serious issue than people would like to believe it is. It is a good first step that he stopped watching porn but I am afraid without the necessary information this site will provide he risks falling into a relapse. Look through the site and introduce it to him.The journey against this addiction won't be easy for either of you but it will make your relationship better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): [EDIT]: "The worst thing about addiction is sometimes the suffer relapses;"
[CORRECTION]:
"The worst thing about addiction is sometimes the sufferer relapses;"
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): Trust is very difficult to rebuild; especially with an addict.
The worst thing about addiction is sometimes the suffer relapses; or they find ways to cleverly hide the fact they still succumb to their addictive impulses. So you have to be very patient and constantly able to forgive their moments of weakness.
Then, you have to stop and consider whether it is worth the emotional-sacrifice on your part; and psychological-trauma they can inflict on you during these relapses. It's a daily struggle for them; and that is projected onto you. You cannot survive on your sympathy for them. There comes a point when you really have to stop and consider whether it's all worth it.
There are degrees of addiction. People with addictive personalities sometimes beat one addiction; only to develop another. So it can be quite a frustrating cycle.
If you find yourself having too much difficulty getting past the betrayal; stop trying. He may need time to work on it for himself, by himself. Not just for you. It's killing you inside, and you're going to end-up sicker than he is. Trying to remain trusting and forgiving. Hoping you can trust him; but always having doubt.
This is where you have to think about what's best for you.
He'll survive; but the question is, will you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2015): Hi Code Warrior,
Thanks a lot for your response. For his part he has been completely transparent and installed software to block porn on all his devices. So I can see that he's doing a lot to regain my trust.
I dolm not vindictive or I wouldn't be here asking how to overcome this. We are all human and we all err. As far is I'm concerned, his merits far outweigh the porn addiction problem (as we've experienced it so far) and as long as he's taking measures to quit then I'd like to make it work.
My question is how do I do that? Is there anything I can do to help build back that trust to complement his efforts?
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