A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hey Aunties!I turned 41 years old this year and while I am not a virgin I am close! Back in college (1992-1993) I did have a gf that I had sex with for about 6 months but that has been the extent of my lifetime sexual activity. Women just aren't attracted to me and the few times they have been I have been way too shy to even get close to having a sexual relationship. The girl in college I slept with (my only) was quite aggressive and that's how that happened, but eventually she got bored of me and moved on. So here I am 41 years old and I have only had sex for about 6 months out of my life. I feel like a total loser and unattractive to the opposite sex. Even when I was having sex it wasn't good sex. I feel like I need to turn my life around, but I am not sure where to start. I have a good career (six figures+), own my own home, and overall successful in my career but I have no friends (male or female) and no romantic involvement. I would call myself asexual except that I deeply do crave physical contact with the opposite sex. I go about my life and I see everyone paired up and even those that aren't have been at one point. For me, it's just one relationship a long time ago. That makes me feel like a total loser. Women aren't interested in me and I am close to giving up on that ideal. I am not that attractive, but I am not COMPLETELY unattractive either - I think. However, maybe I am as by now you'd think some woman would be interested in what I have to offer. I am not sure what happens next, but I am very depressed about the current situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): as a guy the burden, onus of responsibility is on you to make changes like this to your life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): I agree with WiseOwlE. you sound like some guys I have known. Always similar stories.
Most of them don't look very good. But genetic looks are only part of their problem. They do the other half of the job by being unsexy in every other way they can. Fitness, attitude, dress, lack of confidence & socializing, introverted male-only interests and hobbies, etc. Guys who have sex appeal lead different daily lives than guys who don't.
Right now you are probably thinking "But that is who those guys are! Its so natural and easy for them!" Well yes and no. They might naturally like working out at the gym more than you, but that does not stop it from costing them time and money and effort. They still choose to make efforts & sacrifices for their fitness and you don't. Etc. Its the same with presenting yourself better and living a more extroverted life in general. It may come more naturally to other people but that does not remove all the difficulties and downsides for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): You have my heart. I've known guys like you, good jobs, easy going, a little reclusive, but confirmed bachelors. Not by choice, so they think. Your self-deprecation and defeatist attitude is more of an excuse than it is fact. You have a serious aversion to rejection. You may even have an approach anxiety that sends shock waves through your body at the very thought of meeting women for the purpose of making a romantic connection.
You've chosen to be a hermit, rather than come-on to a woman and have to follow it up with something to say. You would have been a perfect candidate for the priesthood.
Everyone suggests you go online these days, but all you'll do is hide behind a device and create a virtual-personality or avatar; and never come out from behind the curtain. You still have to actually meet people in-person at some point.
I would recommend that you take a public-speaking class.
You would be required to prepare speeches and make presentations before a room full of people. You will have to learn to draw attention to yourself and keep people focused on your words. It's a wonderful exercise. Once you get past the initial paralysis. I mean that with humor,dude!
You would first have to overcome the fear of being face to face with strangers. Then you have to overcome the fear of talking in-front of an audience. Even if you already do this as a part of your job, taking a class for personal reasons is different. You won't know anyone in the room.
It's deliberate self-improvement and creates confidence. It will help you to get over crippling shyness. I have recommended this to some of my employees. Everyone has that fear. Myself included. You will overcome your social awkwardness. You will standout in a room. Having eyes on you will not bother you so much.
Then you have to get used to being trapped in a room full of women. Take a cooking class and yoga. Yes, both. You'll be paired-up with a partner, or share a common-interest with classmates. You'll gain a culinary skill and make a lot of friends. Yoga will help you relax and find poise.
You'll learn to meditate and ease your tensions. You meet single women and guys who have a lot of the same things in-common. They are on a road to enlightenment and self-awareness. Like yourself first, and you become likeable.
Don't let looks be a drawback. With women, personality counts equally. They are more flexible than we men are when it comes to looks. Don't get it skewed, you have to be well-groomed, and show confidence. They've got eyes, and a unkempt slob or slovenly geek will turn them off. Unless you have three eyes and extra nostrils, I think they will still recognize you as a human and from this planet. Most men don't pay attention to their hair and how they dress.
So learn something about style and get a flattering haircut. If you're balding, get rid of that weird fringe hair or flaps. That looks silly. Update our look from high school or college. You may as well be bald all-around. If you have a beard, have it sculpted by a barber. Look as if you made an effort to improve your appearance. You'll gain confidence from that. Pudgy or chubby? Drop some pounds. If you feel ugly, fix what you can.
You need exposure, self-confidence, and to be up-close to the ladies to get used to them. We all need to reach that point of maturity that we realize there is little reason to be so fearful of rejection or public scrutiny. We judge ourselves by what "we think" people are thinking when they look at us. Unless you can read minds, you may be wrong.
You've spend a lifetime avoiding contact. Women aren't avoiding you. You run scared the moment they approach.
Fear of women (and vaginas) is usually why a lot of guys are virgins past 25; or they're latent homosexuals who never come out of the closet. Don't take offense, it's just a fact of life. Nobody is accusing you of being gay, but a lot of people will suspect; if you're never with a woman. If it's not true, prove it to yourself. Your goal is to get yourself a woman.
There are aggressive lady-types who don't mind taking charge; but my suspicion is they'd boss you around and intimidate you. They'll get bored if there is no challenge. The classes I suggested will make you feel more interesting and would force you into situations that you'll have to face your fears head-on.
It's good therapy even if it doesn't work. You'll also be a great cook (or a better one) and women love that in a guy. Yoga will relieve you of stress and keep you calm during encounters with new people. You need to smooth those rough edges that make you believe you're not handsome enough or interesting enough. Most of it is stuff going on in your head holding you back. Just trying something, anything, is better than facing life completely alone. If all else fails, get a pet.
Don't be one of those guys relegated to blow-up dolls, porn, and prostitutes. It's not women rejecting you, it's you rejecting women.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 Good gosh. So what arou even depressed about? There are millions of married men that get less sex than you and they don't get all down on themselves. It's nobodys fault that you are not getting laid every other day or two. That's just kind of the normal way things go.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (30 September 2014):
 You're not a loser at all, but you need to take the initiative - so join a dating website and start meeting people.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 September 2014):
Dear OP,
First of all, stop telling yourself that you're a complete loser and that no woman can ever be attracted to you. That's bullshit. You need to dig a little deeper than that to find the real reason why you are still alone, and to move on from there. I think that this post is not about sex, but about the deep loneliness that seems to be dominating your life. Career-wise you're successful, so I take it that you must be an intelligent man, probably not completely lacking social skills, either.
My suggestion would be to slowly start building new connections with people - not only due to romantic motives, but in general, learn to make friends and to know what it means to invite, be invited, to take part in someone else's life. You can start a new hobby, join a club, a guided travel tour with other people, there are many possibilities.
In addition to that, I'd recommend seeing a counsellor and explore the issues of shyness and low self-esteem that you mentioned. Also, if you are truly depressed, you might need the help to stabilize you, before actively searching for a partner.
Your situation is not hopeless. If you are ready for a true relationship with a non-perfect individual, as are we all, you may find that there are women who will accept you for who you are, despite your shortcomings. But as jls022 already pointed out, you need to take action, or life will pass you by. If you just go to work and then spend the rest of your time at home, alone, nothing will change. Your life will change as much as you change it. That's good news, because someone with your financial resources can easily go and create opportunities for himself.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 September 2014):
We get a lot of people on here with this problem, and most of the time they all have the same thing in common - they are waiting for a relationship to happen to them. This and this alone is the reason why you are in the situation you are in now.
You need to take the initiative - make the effort to go out there and meet women. Let them know if you are attracted to them. They won't all reciprocate, but some definitely will if you keep trying. If you are shy or socially awkward, there are courses online that can help you overcome it. Start taking up hobbies and making friends both male and female. Take charge and go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you.
Too often, I reply to people who don't feel the opposite sex want what they have to offer. However, how do you know until you show them the offer?
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (30 September 2014):
 So have you tried joining groups of stuff your interested in? If there is someone you like why not ask them out! Just go for it or you'll regret it. Have Have you ever joined any dating websites, or possibly it's just not your thing. You aren't a looser. But you sound like you have focused focused a lot on material wealth and maybe now you have more than you need it's time to pursue the other aspects of your one life.
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