A
female
age
41-50,
*inad853
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating since April 2010. it has always been a little rough because we are quite different and we would fight quite a lot.About two months ago a friend of mine just moved back into the area and her and decided to hang out spontaneously. My boyfriend was supposed to come over that night (he lives two hours away) and I told him that she was going to come over (I had not seen her in two years) and said that maybe he wants to come over the next night because my friend might be spending the night. He got very upset about this and said not to worry, he would not come over at all that weekend.I got so upset and frustrated over this that the next day I told him it would be better if we broke up.We then broke up but I realized that I had made a mistake and that I do want to be with him because I love him.He then said he needs time to think about it, and was not sure whether we should get back together.He said that while we are not together I should act like I want him back, not go out, not see other people but he would date other girls.He then actually dated a girl for several weeks and I have to admit that hit me really hard, but he said, that I deserved it because I was the one who broke up with him.We continued to see each other and we continue to have a physical relationship. he says that he loves me very much, that he has no romantic interest in any other girls but that I have to show him that I can be drama free, that I can go without throwing fits and tantrums.After several weeks he then said that if I can show him that I can be drama free and not throw fits about him talking to other girls, then we would get back together.He said he will continue to go on dates and date other girl. There is one girl in particular that he is "fond" of. He says that she is a friend and he would even want to maintain contact with her if we get back together. He met this girl on a dating website and she lives 4.5 hours away from him. Today he told me that he had offered her to meet up with her and drive there to see her, but she declined because she is paranoid about meeting people. He says that she is just a friend, that he is not interested in her and he also says that none of the girls he is talking to is a threat. That I am my only threat.Now we were 14 days into the 21 days and on Friday I asked him if I could come and see him because I missed him. He said "If you want to". Well, I took that as a yes, and drove to his place. While driving there he said that he did not really want me to come because he had plans with a friend, but that I should come anyway because I had already ruined his night anyway.Of course we got into a fight over it because I was upset that he did not just tell me he already had plans with a friend, and according to him I threw a fit and the 21 days started over.Now he says that I should date other guys, I just should not have sex with them.I just do not know what else to do. I really love him, and I really want to be with him, and I want to work out the issues that we have, but then again I think that we cannot work out these issues if he is dating other people.I told him that I do not want him to date other people, but he just keeps saying that I broke up with him, and that now I have to show him that I want him back and I have to deal with him dating other people.
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broke up, get back together, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 July 2011):
 If your ex bf really wanted YOU, he would be with you. He would not be hanging out with other "just a friend" like that. Sorry, but NO one drives 4 hrs to just meet a friend they met on a dating site. (With the PURPOSE Of dating someone!!) I bet he is messing with HER head as much as yours.
Send him packing.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, sinad853 +, writes (28 July 2011):
sinad853 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Everyone, thanks so much for all the answers and the input. I really appreciate it.My ex boyfriend and I talked today and I told him that I cannot properly show him that I want him back and that I am willing to improve if he is on a dating website and dating other girls.He then said he would delete his profile on that dating website and he would only continue talking to one girl. He has been talking to this girl for several weeks and he has mentioned how she has become a friend and how he really wants to hang out with her because she seems really cool.Now, this girl lives 4.5 hours from where he lives.I asked him if he really want to meet her and he said yes, that would be non-negotiable.He already offered her to meet her last week and drive to where she lives but she declined and said she wanted to get to know him better first. He says, no matter what, if she wants to meet him he will go and meet her.He says he has no romantic interest in her and just wants to keep her as a friend.When we were talking today I asked him whether he would cancel plans he had made with me if she offered to meet him and he said that would depend on the situation. I asked him to explain that a little more and he said that, if him and I only had plans to hang out and not really do anything he would possibly cancel these plans in order to meet her. I think this is unacceptable and I told him that.Especially considering how all this started: because I had cancelled plans with him to hang out with a friend I had not seen in almost 2 years. He was so mad about that, that he went out that night with friends and met another girl (a girl that he then actually dated for several weeks after we broke up that next day). And now he expects me to be fine with the fact that he might cancel plans with me in order to be able to meet a girl he met on a dating website?Eventually he then offered that he would not cancel plans he has made with me, but also said he would not make minor plans (that is just hanging out) more than 24 hours in advance.I don't really know what else to say to him. The entire situation does not make me happy. And whenever I try to talk to him, it feels like we are running in circles, because it always comes back to "Well, you broke up with me."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): It sounds like he is afraid of what you will do because of what you have done. Honestly, you have some issues that you need to take care of. It is quite obvious that you have some trust issues and control issues.He needs his time; give him as much as you can stand. In the meantime, you should set your parameters and go see other people too.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 July 2011):
 He does sound very immature and controlling.
It's good that you'll be working with a psychologist on your issues, and it would be good to raise with him/her your situation with this man - including the fedback we've given you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Your EX bf is a jerk and a sadist at that too.
He goes out with other women and he expects u to just accept it. Right now he is toying with your emotions and he is making u a basketcase. Enough of his games. Hun u owe it to yourself to get rid of him. His games are unhealthy and it is destrOying your self worth.
I am glad u are dealing with your anger issues. But u need to get rid of this man once and for all. This man is messing with your head- 21 day test and each time u "fail" he re starts the 21 day test, he goes out with other women, perhaos having sex with them but expects u to accept it. To hell with his test!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, justoverit +, writes (27 July 2011):
 This guiy you are talking about seems so immature. It seems to me that he is playing with your head
First he tells you he can date others but you cant.
Then he tells you, you can date others but dont sleep with them.
You need to give this guy an ultimatium tell him that if you guys are going to be together you have to spend time working on the realtionship, and you cant work on a realtionship if he dates other people.
If he brings up that crap about you being the one who ended things in the first place let him know, you realize you made a mistake and now your trying to fix it, and if he wants to fix the relationship he will be with you and no one else. And if he continues to make excuses then leave him alone for a but..he will come around soon, but you might have moved on by then.
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A
female
reader, sinad853 +, writes (27 July 2011):
sinad853 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers and the input I really appreciate it.
I know that I can have a temper and I have thrown fits over little things, but he also knows exactly what triggers these fits and sometimes I have the feeling he does it on purpose.
To give one example: We usually talk every night, one night he told me he was out with friends and his phone was about to die. Ok, not a problem at all. The next day when we talk he tells me that he won't be able to come to my place because he currently is four hours away from home. I ask him then where he is, and he says he does not want to tell me.
That is what made me mad then. I don't need to constantly know where he is and what he is doing, but when he says, oh I am four hours away from home, and I ask where he is and the answer I get is "Does it matter? I am not gonna tell you", that just aggravates me.
Is it really controlling when you are in a relationship and you want to know if the other person goes out of town?
I have been married before and never have had these kind of issues before, while for him this is his first real relationship (before he has only dated people for maybe 4 weeks at the longest).
Now, I am not sure whether I am expecting too much or whether he might just not be aware that it is just part of a relationship to kind of keep the other person in the loop?
Another thing that has caused conflict between us, is that he feels that we don't have to see each other every week. He thinks it should be totally fine if we do not see each other for three weeks, simply because he does not feel like it.
We do live two hours apart, so usually we will see each other only once a week for one or two days anyways.
I just feel like that is already not very often, considering that we have been in a relationship for well over a year.
Today I also made an appointment to go back to seeing a psychologist to get help with my issues. And I really hope that will improve the situation, because I know that I am overly jealous. And I am scared of losing him to another girl, even though he says that he is not interested in any other girl but me.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 July 2011):
Sorry, your EX boyfriend, is now stringing you along and messing with your head.
Any man who really wanted you in his life would NOT play headgames with you and he would have accepted your apology.
He is dating other people and encourages you to date others, yet still be sexual with him, right?
Damn manipulative and even abusive if you ask me.
How bad does it have to be until you realize this is not a winner?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 July 2011):
Well, yes, you did break up with him - but thought better of it after a while.
Now he says HE will date other girls, but YOU are not to date other men. To which I say "Phoooey!! What a lot of nonsense!"
Whether you see or talk to other guys - just go out for coffee, lunch, a movie - nothing more at this point - is entirely up to you, you know!
I would add regarding his comment about not being a drama queen and throwing a fit if he talks to another woman: give that a little thought. DO you think there might be some justification for what he said? DO you sometimes lose your cool? - Let me rephrase that: losing your cool is one thing and we all do, sometimes, but I'm asking if you actually go overboard (with, as it were) scuba gear, wet suit and hunting spear? In other words, do you in fact tend to make a big production out something he's done??
If you can honestly say you don't, all well and good. On the other hand, if you know you can blow something out of all proportion, it would be worth your while to get control of yourself. If not to necessarily win this guy back, then for the future and interaction with whoever else you might meet.........
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Your relationship is over. Once you allow a guy to treat you with such disrespect and still crawl back to him, he will lose total interest in ever treating you right again. Call it a day, lose the drama, and register on an online dating site and start dating. Maybe read some books on dating and relationships so you'll get a better idea on how not to be used as a doormat and keep your self respect within a relationship.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Your boyfriend is a selfish pig. Why even try to get someone like this back? He's trying to control you while he lives his life and does whatever he wants. Just because you broke up with him does not give him the right to control you. You said you were sorry and that should've been enough for him. Leave this guy alone and find someone better because he's not worth wasting your time over.
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