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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hi. i hope someone can give me some reassurance or advice on a problem i have.every time i sleep with a guy i start to really like him, and i won't be able to stop thinking about him for months and months. Every thought i have is somehow related to him, and i desperately want him all the time.I know that it's bad for a girl to sleep with a man straight away if she likes him, but i tend not to like a guy at all unless i HAVE slept with him.i think i scare guys off by turning all serious on them, even if they had actually liked me in the first place.this is making it impossible for me to have a relationship, and i need some advice on how i can stop obsessing over a guy after i've slept with him, and destroying any chance of the relationship developing! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): Be careful. I guess your problem may be oxytocin. Oxytocin is a powerful "bonding hormone" released when you make love (and other ways eg. breastfeeding). It makes you bond with someone and produces a chemically induced "tie". It is designed to reinforce a relationship. It should go: meet, get to know, like, trust, get intimate, make love, bond. If you bypass the "expected routine" above, biology can make you bond with someone entirely unsuitable. It sounds like you're addicted to the "bonding hit". Trouble is, it's all a hormone induced illusion. Not only that, going too fast puts a lot of men off. Take time, slow down. And if you take time, when the next hit comes, it'll be bigger and better and "right". And he'll get it too. Bingo. You can't bake a good cake in thirty seconds.
A
female
reader, vina_101  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 As you've said yourself, you know that you have been sleeping with guys too early. You've accepted that that is where you've gone wrong. So the next step is to stop doing what you've always done. As I've heard once on 'wife swap' "If you do what you've always done you'll only get what you've already got." Good quote :) So apply this to when you meet a new guy. Resist all temptation to sleep with him and just wait a while. Whenever you get the urge just say to yourself "If I sleep with him now he won't respect me later and then I'll start liking him way too much and accidentally push him away. And because I don't want that to happen I'll wait before I have sex." You'll do yourself some good in the long run by not sleeping with guys so soon. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): It goes to show how sex can be a powerful thing that changes your emotions and feelings towards someone.
You say that you don't like a guy until you have sex with him. Instead of having sex and then obsessing over him, why not try giving it more time to see if you like him and if you don't like him, end things rather than become sexually involved?
Your problem, I think, is that you really desperately want to feel loved and close to someone, and you want them to feel the same way about you. The problem with what you are doing is that you are probably going to end up regretting with how many people you have slept with.
You will eventually meet a guy who you truely fall in love with, a guy who you won't need to sleep with to know you have special feelings for him. It will be special and very different to every guy you have met so far - promise!
Also, as a guy, I would say that if a girl was to have sex early on, and then become obsessive, it would really freak me out too. It's not attractive, it's desperation and people run away from that. It is a quick way to loose respect in a guys eyes and, depending on the guy, they will either not want to have anything to do with you, or they will end up using you.
So that's my advice, have some restraint on who you sleep with. There are plenty of other great things to do in life, plenty of things better for your future to concentrate on. Think to the future a lot more, not get caught up in the present.
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A
female
reader, kath +, writes (11 January 2007):
 sleeping with them on the first date is not giving you the respect that you crave. obsessing over most guys will only turn them in the opposite direction exspecialy after 1 date you know this is rong. how do you stop? well start by not having sex on the first date and see how you/he feals/acts,have more thorts on where YOUR OWN LIFE is and where youd like it to be. happyness comes from within and shines through. take more time for yourself freinds and family. good luck x
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