A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is taking over my life. I think about this guy constantly and torture myself by looking at his picture on-line a lot! I hear through the grape vine he's a bit of a player (I hate that in a guy.) But still can't stop thinking what could be if we meet...again.*Am currently in a long term serious relationship*Bearing in mind I have not had contact with this guy for 10 years since I left school but see him regularly as he plays for the local pro hockey team that I have supported all my life. I also attend fund raisers and other events associated with the team but have never approached him.When I started high school I was instantly attracted to this boy who was not in my circle of friends or in any of my classes. He just started saying "HI" to me every time he saw me.In high school I never fitted in, but he was popular,good looking and athletic but he'd still talk to me. He was very kind to me when others were not and stuck up for me on a good few occasions when I suppose you could say I was being bullied.In our last year of high school we were in the same class three times a week,we'd talk and if I wasn't in class if he saw me in the hall he'd enquire as to why.I've had many long term relationships when I was in school and after high school but I just can't forget him.My best friend who I've know for 18 years is the only one who knows the true extent of my feeling for him and still can't believe I think about him,she kids me on that am actually madly in love with him. (Which am starting to think is true.)Even though I know I am not in any way the type of woman he would like,I just can't forget him.I am not lacking in self confidence but am not the kind of "girl" he'd go for. I often wonder if he would find me attractive,interesting.I don't know what to do I almost feel like my life will be rather empty and pointless if I don't end up with him in some respect.I've been madly crazy in love before but he is the ONLY person I've ever still thought about through all of that.Am not an overly romantic, sentimental, lovey-dovey, head in the clouds, fool in case anyone gets that impression but I've always pictured him being kind of my version of "the one." What do I do? Give up and just except "not in this life time"?Am I crazy?Has anyone else been in the same situation and what did you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately he's not on social media,next fund raiser I go to however I am sooooo going to chat to him,I shall keep you posted...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 C'mon, OP, don't be chicken :). If it happens it happens, but maybe you can give a little push to destiny . You have the best excuse ever, you are a hockey fan so I suppose you know about the game and can speak about it competently . Take this excuse ( congratulating him over a victory ,... complimenting him for the way he played... berating the referee :)... ) to approach him through social media, and end woth : btw, do you know that we used to attend the same school and we sort of knew each other ?.. Only, I was very different then, physically and otherwise... as of now you would probably not recognize me :)" . That should pique his curiosity , and you could take it from there. Or else, not. If he does not bother answering, answers icily etc.- if he signals " leave me alone ", you do : you leave him alone , and move on.
At least you will know. I don't know you, if it was me , rather than spending ten more years in a limbo, pining and longing and wondering " what if " ( and screwing up all my next relationships because of this ).... I'd rather be hit on my head with a hockey stick !
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk thanks for all the answers I got,you were all very helpful!
My boyfriend & I broke up on a totally unrelated matter & am now a lot happier!
Still think about this guy from school but if it happens it happens!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 October 2014):
Then it's rather simple. First you leave your current partner ( which may be serious , committed and all, but I can't imagine that is such a fulfilling relationship for you if you find yourself constantly longing for another man !).
Then you approach your longtime crush with your new and improved self confident version. You give it a shot.
If he is curious / interested / intrigued / flattered
( and single ! find that out first ! ) -
you'll take it from there. Why not. You have a chance like any other girl around. Also because if he has not seeked you out, it may be because he remembers you as the geeky ugly duckling of yore. But he may be quite interested in the adult swan version.
If, unluckily, he does not want to know about it and says the equivalent of " heck no, don't even go there "- that's positive too. Ar least you would get closure, you would not have to torment yorself with what if and I wonder if, and you could seriously and consciously start the process of moving on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): You say you are accomplished and self - confident and attractive.
Your behaviour in stalking him from afar suggests that something in your life as it is is not quite right. If you need him so much why haven't you approached him? If you are mature how have you not realised that pining for someone and feeling like you need a guy you haven't attempted to contact in 10 years is a little bit off?
You asked for help with resolving this. Well, the advise is to break up with your current then approach the old crush.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): I never tried to get to know him better because when I was younger I wasn't who I am not i was shy & anti social. I've since changed a lot!!!!!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 October 2014):
And if you know your worth and like yourself for who and what you are, then what's been keeping you so far from asking him if he wants to go out with you for a drink or dinner, all this years ?
Why do you wonder if he'd find you interesting and attractive ? ... I think you 'd KNEW inside yourself that you make interesting company - at least for a dinner !- absolutely, for sure, no ifs and buts. As for attractive,- that depends from very personal tastes of course- but you would not waste time in wondering, you'd feel you have at least a running chance.
Self confidence and a positive self image inside your head is a good thing- but then you also have to be able to ACT self confident. Any reason why didn't you try to get to know this guy closer and better, rather than just pine about him secretly and from afar ?....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): OP again; despite what it may sound like I have high self confidence and shed any teenage angst "ugly" duckling image of myself a long long time ago! I know my worth and like myself for who and what I am!There is just something about this man that just sucks me in and won't let go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 October 2014):
I think the good job, the busy social life... are just the exterior. The outside. The inside may be different, these things did not " took " and are not enough to give you the sense of validation that you crave. There are CEOs of multinationals , or Hollywood stars, who regardless of all the signs and trappings of success, still do not see themselves as " good enough " . It's now what you have or what you do, it's how you feel about yourself.
Persons are persins.. and they are also symbols. Some may be symbols of what we want, of what we are missing, of what we try to live vicariously trough them.
In this case I think it's not about the guy himself, whom you can't say you " love ", and you could not even then- simply because you only know him superficially, you have no idea about how he really is in his relational, emotional, sexual life, and if you could be at any level compatible. Bit you are crushing on him, because he had and he has something that you wanted for yourself : beauty, social clout, popularity.
When you were a teen you were a misfit , the odd one out- and he was Mr. Jock, Mr. Popular, Mr. HighSchool Hot Shit.
It was natural then for you to feel that , if he ,who was " out of your league " would have paid some close and personal attention to you- well, then you too WERE in his league after all.
I think that you have dragged on these adolescential
( abd very common ) feelings of inadequacy, of being-nothing- special, into your adulthood, and at some level you think he could be the cure. That's sad but not unusual too. Many women, even smart and successful, only feel as "good", and socially valuable ... as the men they have beside.
I also have doubts about your claimed self confidence. If you were self -confident, you would not have been wringing your hands for the past 10 years in fear that he would not " go " for your type. You would have assumed that your " type " is unique , attractive, sexy, with a lot to offer at many levels, so it's a type which can please many different man , or win them over once they know you a bit. Regardless of " types ". AND, that if he is really adamant in not wanting you, too bad- some guys don't know what they can be missing, their loss not yours,lol.
In other words, you would have had the guts to approach him amd ask him out , - and to risk rejection, because you would have felt that occasional rejection is just an unplesant fact of life, not some earth - shattering epocal experience to be avoided at all costs.
Getting yourself rid of the " ugly duckling " image of yourself that you have interiorized may be hard work, it may need a serious, hard, deep look into yourself, without stopping at the exteriority of your accomplishments... which maybe you don't live as REAL accomplishemnts, in lack of the real one, which would be conquering Prince Charming. Or ,it may even need specialized help by a counselor. But once the work were done, I am pretty sure your crush would also be iver , and you'd consider this guy just as... an admirable hockey player and no more.
In the meantime, though, it may be better, and more honets, to leave your current boyfriend. It may be long term, it may be serious... but it's surely not a great relationship, if you are infatuated with another man whom you are thinking about all the time. Not fulfilling for you, and not fair for the bf. Think about it. Being able to be single for a while may be the first step to that sense of having power ,that Mr. Hockey represent(ed ) for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): OP here;Am plenty mature,have a good life,full of aspirations & have a very good job as a retail manager. As well as having a very busy working life I also have a busy socail life & lots of friends.
So I can assure you my head is screwed on the right way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): I think the first thing you should do is end your current long term relationship. You're not even 25 yet and you're already wondering what could have been with someone else.Whatever your feelings may or may not be for the guy from your high school, your current boyfriend clearly is not enough for you. Please do the kind thing and break up with him. You are simply wasting his time.When you've done that, go travelling abroad for a year with friends - that will help you grow from the little bubble that you live in. It will also help you to mature. 'I almost feel like my life will be rather empty and pointless if I don't end up with him in some respect'These are the words of someone who has no passions in life; someone who has no aspirations; someone who is bored and living in la la land.
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