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female
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*rniez
writes: How often is too often for a man who's been in a relationship for three years to watch adult movies? When should girlfriends be concerned and when to break up...after watching porn do men wish they had more than they do...can it eventually lead to cheating??? What is considered being addicted to porn??
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (20 February 2006):
 female anon, I totally agree with you. Everyone has a right to be heard and a right to air their opinions. It is a slightly confusing thing that porn should be such a contentious issue here, but at the end of the day we are all here to answer questions ans give our viewpoints.
I shall take on board what you say.x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): I have seen interaction and dialog between Willwombat and Mystify on this 'porn' issue before. They both state good opinions that helps to opens minds and makes us more aware of views we all might not have thought about. But...defining an argument is not dialog where someone has to be crowned. And the other person is wrong. No one gets a prize here. We all have a responsibility to offer sensible, good advice and arguing is not really helpful. Willy, like Mystify you do offer great input-just don't get so obstinate and aggressive towards people with differing views and don't take other Aunt's opposing viewpoints as a personal affront against you. It's not! I've seen you do this with other Aunt's on other questions. That is not the intent of this website. The intent to offer an opinion and allow the 'poster' to discern which works best for them. And Willy, everyone has different opinions and will not always agree with you. Respect those opinions. Mystify, staying calm and not falling for the 'bait' is a good suggestion. Don't let it get to you. And both of you..remember-we can agree to disagree. We can differ in opinions and still treat each others with dignity and respect.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (19 February 2006):
 willy ,
i am not talking about what is sexy , yes a woman wearing a short skirt can be sexy...i already said that BUT! it is not sexual, sexual is implying sex! you do not need actual genitalia to impy sex ! and like i said you are inconsistant with your answers and opinions as you have said the same thing as me about this in your previous posts, of course your first response was attacking me , as usual, you were being agressive about my answer in regards to the tv guides when you know you have said the same then agressively called names "the anti porn sqaud" honestly willy this is a site to help people you are far too agressive and personal about it ,
if you actually read the question it is not simply when is porn too much , there are many questions from someone who is very confused , if you read back through the answers mine is not the only to go into some depth on the issue and this is not the only posting with readers going into depth on the issue, yet you always take it so personally with me , and ive noticed it alot with others who dare to throw in an answer that you dissagree with , if you are adement the poster of this problem shouldnt hear the views of people then why after i gave mine did you argue yours?! hmmm , or is it yours?!
confused over what porn is? no yes there is hard core porn but there is also much softer stuff, it dosent have to be images of actual intercourse but even so i didnt say that it is simply porn i have an issue with i talked about how offensive and in your face todays culture is getting regarding sexuality, when it hurts so many and clearly is having an impact on ur lives including the poster of this question , yet you have to imeidatly stamp me down AGAIN just cos you are lacking the ability to accept that i am allowed to write what i feel!
no im not a hypocrite, i wonder how you can come to that opinion my views and opinions are strong i never contradict myself or expect what i cannot give of myself this is something that makes up a big part of who i am for i am cristian and work hard at it , you know i have never said anything hypocritical , your random name calling is not good, check for your own consistancy in your own opinions before calling others hypocrites,
willy i dont know why you have to be like this cant you just acept that we might have differant opinions sometimes but we can both write without you feeling the need to demand that your opinions are worth more and that mine should not be heard.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 February 2006):
Mystify sweetie
I am not attacking you!
Stop being so arrogant!
The question was about when is porn too much, not asking for your views on porn per se.
As for 9" skirts and heels NOT being sexual (with the emphasis on the curve of the leg and shape of the female figure?) we will have to agree to differ on that!
I think you are slightly confused on what you think to be porn to tell the truth, are you talking about the explicit showing of genitalia or making both men and women look available for sexual acts?
Anyway I dont have a problem with you. Just your hypocritical attitudes.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (16 February 2006):
willy honestly what is your problem...just leave people alone , the question was not hijacked by anti porn , the question was about porn!!! and people who are anti porn have a right to share what they feel with people with problems just as any pro porn ppl! in fact if there wasnt a prob with porn these people would not be posting in the first place , how dare you keep saying they must only hear from people who like porn!, ive had ppl tell me my answers on the issue were refreshing and helpful! so why should you say they shouldnt hear it!
yes in the supposedly "safe" granny mags its" send your nude pics in", again you are arguing against me with the same point!
well i dont know what tv guides you buy , but many a time the mags i get are full of adverts with topless girls touching each other up or girls bent over bum in air with nothing other than a string on, i dont see why you seem to think we either have to dress like this or head to toe covered! i personally wear 9 inch mini skirts and skimpy tops when out and smart sexy in the day , very sexy i think ...but not half naked and not sexual or in anyones face! . bet you also would be surprised to hear i have done topless stage show modelling, but within the confines of a club clearly advertising themselves for this purpose! i am very open minded and not a prude or a frump i just think it should be kept where only people who want it have to see it , that way everyones happy! you are even contradicting yourself now as you yourself went on about how you hate the fact these mags are not kept to the top shelf and disgused as mens mags...come on now if you are going to be deliberatly contradicting you could at least keep it consistant!
you dont seem to wanna leave peoples opinions alone , willy not everyone is going to have the same opinion as you , you are in for a hard life if you are going to insist on breaking out into an attack every time someone has an opinion you dont agree with, just leave people alone!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (16 February 2006):
Here we go again! A perfectly legitimate question hijacked by the anti porn squad. I am female and I do not care either way for porn of the male female or fish variet. I do care that because other people disagree they are continually found to be penalised for having opinions.
Females dressed provocatively in your tv guide is not porn for chrissake..... Have you eva read cosmo? Or Take a Break (send in your nudey pics of your hubby!!!) Even some of the new "granny" mags full of "real life" have porn in them! And I mean semi-nude men.
We have bodies get over it!! Why dont we all dress head to toe in burhkas and have done with it.
As your first reply said, it is not *when to worry* about porn, it is how much is too much FOR YOU. There is to much looking over ones shoulder at the moment, panicing about what others might think.
When you start to feel uncomfortable YOU decide when to put you foot down. Now if you are not bothered then stuff what others think and go right ahead and enjoy. But if it disturbs you - then confrontation is needed and you need to talk about getting you and him back into your comfort zone.
Some people on here think all porn is about is making women feel inferior. Well there are many types of porn and male porn for gays and women is just as common in our society. Men can be made to feel just as uncomfortable, and there are also many men who couldn't care less!!!
The answer to your question grniez is too much is when you are uncomfortable with it. Then deal with it.
x
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (16 February 2006):
id like to stand by femaleanon, as i would love to see the daty the men justifying this porn have to deal with walking into a newagents and seeing 99% naked men on the mag rack! artificial, plastic and airbrushed us women have to be strong enough every day to put up with this accept this cahnge our attitudes ,or else what become a recluse?! why is the world doing this to our women who deserve so much respect for bringing these mens children safely into the world , for mothering and nurturing you into manhood!
i have said before on this site a poster of half naked men was banned onthe london underground because it was demeaning to men but how many full naked or almost naked posters of grils are allowed ,nearly all, men in power decide this! it need to turn around and stop, yes people have thier rights to do this , look at this but i dont want to be driving down the highway with my family only to be confronted with a huge poster of a naked woman advertising frozen food!
nor do i want to send my husband to get a tv guide only for him to be faced with top shelf material next to the guide!
nor do i want my 3 year old watching afternoon tv only to be faced with an advert for a bank showing women as sex objects,why not just keep it where people who are looking for it can find it and not push it in everyones face when they want to go about thier lives without it?!
WOMEN AND MEN WHO ARE AGAINST THIS ARE NOT BORING!"
me and my partner are against it and we are bouncing off the walls!
i watched a programe today that said 16% of all 13 year olds have had sex! they blamed the increasing sexual culture but thier solution was to bring these children more sex in the classroom at a younger age?!!!!!!
the answer was staring them in the face,the government need to more to gain back some control over what we see on our streets , in our shops and on our tv's, this is not to make it unavailable to those who want it , it will stil be there top shelf , after the watershed etc but to respect those who choose not to see it
i even find porn in my tv guide these days ,how sad, where are we going, men ,RESPECT YOUR MOTHERS, SISTERS ,DAUGHTERS ,FRIENDS DAUGHTERS , FRIENDS!
GRNIEZ,sorry for using your page, im sure you will forgive, in answer to your question it is always cheating when it is done behind your back or even honestly when knowing it hurts you
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): My solution... do it together. If its not together then there is a big problem. One that can never be completely resolved.
As a female, i see too many naked / half naked women from advertising as is. To a certain degree it is pleasureable and enlightening... on the other hand its not nice to have no control over which second it will be pressed onto you. In the space of a normal day (with no precautions) i see at least 20 or more sexed up women with 2 out of them being naked. Never mind the pornography. I think for men it is a build up to whatever release is needed at the time. Women cannot change a mans social environmental upbringing nor can they change a mans drive. Change the man if its bad. It will always scar you if you dont.
The key is to talk and argue (cannot be avoided). It is a sensative subject. If you love your man and he loves you then try to compromise with something that will make you feel sexy or feel good. Women are overpowered but we are not helpless even when we are lost. Teach children when they enter puberty about all sex in confidential discussion and do not be ashamed. It does not have to be a problem for future generations.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Man, I dont know how many marriages Oprah broke up but I bet its a lot. And all the trouble romance novels caused filling women's heads with their unreal expectations of what a real realtionship is like. Because you believe that no one is capable of filtering any of these messages themselves. I will say that it is ridiculous that every women in the media, including preteen girl singers, has to be sexualize. But who do you think is driving this? Who buys Cosmo and US? Who are the fans of Britney? Who watches What not to Wear, Dr. 90210, Days of Our Lives, and Sex in the City? Those are all womens media. No man cares if Lindsay Lohen got a boob job. All of those are inappropriate venues for women to be sexualized. And men are not involved. Porn is an appropriate venue. Sorry you dont like it, but why dont you try cleaning up the media that is forced on kids before you worry about what adults are doing in private?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Excuse me but you need to think through this....'the fact that everyman has a fantasty life does not make porn right....'I understand that many men may see it differently....again that doesnt make them or you right.....What you do when you view porn is hurt ALL women.....you view them as meat.......you take away intimacy and your sexuality from the people who deserve it...your partnerI do not care how men justify it....POrn is degrading to women....it telols lies about how women should look and behave...How many posts have you seen on the net lately from men devastated that their wives compare them to romance novels......You didnt answer my question about how many tims your children have had to be exposed to false ideas about men when walking into a newsagency and being confronted with 99% naked men..Why? because it simply doesnt happen...right.Get over your macho attitudes and start respecting women....I wont be looking at this thread agin as I realise men like you (who have traditionally held all the power in society) dont like women to state home truths. I will make a deliberate decsion not to revist this post to read what will probably be abuse by you...as those whos power is threatened usually retaliate in anger.....Of course you support your 'right to degrade women' without this how do you validate your behaviour and hold onto your power. We all meet our makers regardless of what you believe in and at the end of the day I will stand up and say....I supprted equality and fairness for all, I rejected anything I saw as having negative consequeces on others ....You can sayYeah I got of on other peoples daughters who made bad decisions and masterbated over their misfortune and bad choices. I degraded my wife, sister, neighbour and every other women I know just to masterbate. I had no integrity...Good luck with that
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Well I am unclear if the female answerer is grniez who asked the original question. However...You are free to feel however you want about the subject. But... dont come and debate with us what men are thinking. We know! Every guy who responded said its not a big deal, and they arent wacking off getting how much they hate women.Likewise, you are free to feel however you want, but dont try to butress your opinions with an appeal to societal norms. The norm is that every man has a fantasy life to a greater or lesser extent, sometimes reenforced by porn. You may not like it, but that is the way it is. And BTW men's actual porn and "womens porn" is exactly the same thing, except on a superficial visual level.... You need to think that through.
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male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (7 December 2005):
 To the lady who thinks porn is sexual violence and hate towards women... Wrong! Most guys who watch porn love chicks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Hi, I thought my post was quite clear...Im not imagining anything my h blatantly told me he was comparing me...and as far as giving up what you call 'womens porn' I dont watch the crap or read romance thankyou. and even if I did I dont see how you can compare these with an activity that denigrates 50% of the earths popluation even if they are both fantasy they are very very different....You need to grow up and learn that intellegent women and men see porn for what it is....sexual violence and hate towards all women...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): You should try going cold turkey on all women's porn- no soaps, Desperate Housewives, no Dr. Phil, no Ophrah, no romance novels, no celebrity gossip. Its all the same thing- a fantasty life built around unreal elements. If you want to try to squash the guy's fantasy life and tell him his urges are disgusting to you, then go ahead but I really dont see how that is going to help your relationship. He is going to end up resenting you. Guys know the difference between a stripper and a wife. A porn star and wife material. Dont be a ninny a imagine that he is comparing you to them. You can try to prove your Andrea Dworkin street cred on this bust I think it is just going to end up in a bust up.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (5 December 2005):
porn is for perverts. any amount is too much when you are in a steady relationship. it breaks my heart when i know my partner wants to watch that filth. before he had access to the internet, we had a great sex life but now he pushes me away for it. if your partner does that, he's definitely addicted.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2005): How immature you must be to think that simply because a woman finds porn degrading and disgusting it means they are boring in bed. Obviously you wont be having any relationships of substance with any women for quite a while. I feel sorry for you....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2005): What a complete jerk you are acting like. If 30 is old to you then you obviously need to gro up a lot. No, for your information my sex life is just fine thanks (and my h agrees)
You clearly have NO IDEA about womens issues and need to go back to school to learn. (or havent you finished school yet????
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2005): Still makes me laugh that so many of you women are outraged over this. You obviously aren't getting any good, interesting, exciting sex. Just the boring old missionary, huh?Either that or you are just really old and don't realize that it's almost 2006 and women are into the same type of freaky things that men are into. And I'm talking in real life, not just porn.And you're right MONEY is a big reason why women act in porn, but why must you dismiss them as always being a victim? You're saying that women are too weak to make their own decisions about their sexual interests and career path just because you don't agree with it. They love making the money they make and the sex is just a bonus.Why is it disrespectful to women to have sex in a porn, but not disrespectful to men? You women make it this way by complaining about it. You say it's because men are the agressors, well then women are disrespected everyday because men are usually the agressors in private sexual relationships too.Time for you women to get off your high horse and get some good sex in your life. And stop being jealous of porn because you are boring in bed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): SORRY mate but NEWSFLASH to you most of the women in porn do it for one reason MONEY. Do you really believe they like having all sorts of things inserted into every known orifice for the world to see by a complete stranger. If you really do believe this then you have really been duped by the porn industry. They want you to believe these women enjoy this but its CALED ACTING. (most men with one ounce of a brain realsie that the women in porn are mostly from abusive backgrounds and that they are acting ) Do yourself a favor and read the statistics about how many 'porn stars are victims of sexual abuse as children. You dont have to be Einstein to work out that any woman with healthy self esteem and self respect would not feature on a porn film.....As for respect Im not talking about the actors. What Im talking about is the way porn disrespects all women, your mother, sister, friends etc. Im sick of men with no integrity crapping on about how this is normal. IT IS NOT. If you have a need for porn maybe you have some issues of sexual inadequency and hatred towards women that you need to address. It seems many men do. In a recent show Dr Phil talked to an engaged couple where the man used porn. Not only didnt he respect his fiances personal feelings on porn he also had no concept on the way porn contributes to the continued oppression of women. Maybe his words will help you understand where m coming from In the words of DR Phil You've got a flat-screen here. They're not real people. There's no intimacy, you're not talking to them, you're not interacting with them." He points to Kiza. "You have a thinking, feeling, breathing, flesh and bone, beautiful, beautiful woman here, who's in love with you. And you'll leave her back there in the den watching TV while you're watching somebody on a flat-screen? Let me tell you, that's makeup, it's beauty lenses, it's hair extensions, it's camera angles, it's silicone, silicone, silicone, silicone! And let me tell you what else it is. What you're looking at on that screen is somebody's daughter. You're looking at somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. And they are demeaning themselves, they are debasing themselves, they are humiliating themselves, and they are being exploited by people who are funded by you."Dr. Phil also debates Chris' assertion that it's "a guy thing." "It is a sick, demented, twisted world and you are going into it over and over and over to the point that it is eroding your relationship with this girl right here. It's not healthy, it's not natural, it's not normal." Dr. Phil offers to get Chris professional help.He turns to Kiza: "And you do not want to marry him unless and until this gets taken care of ... You're not ready to get married to him in a few weeks. If you do, you are asking for trouble. You will absolutely break your heart if you are married to a porn addict."Do you want to contribute to this industry that does this??????? Where is your self respect and respect for the other half of the popluation. Sure some women are watching. They have been brainwashed to think they have to accept this rubbish. Stand up , be a man and realsie that a healthy sexual relationship doesnt need porn
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): I'm sorry so many of you ladies have been hurt by your partners use of porn. But you should not make blanket statements like "IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY FOR ANY MAN WITH AN OUNCE OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN TO USE THIS CRAP" because most women who are involved in porn actually enjoy what they do. They are not all "Victims". NEWS FLASH - Women enjoy sex and are just as freaky as men are.Another posting said "Surely it is possible for men to masterbate in ways that are repsectful to half the polulation." Really? What do you think a man thinks about when he masturbates? World peace? His job? The ballgame? No, he thinks about women, fantasies, etc... Does he think about you when he masturbates, probably not. He's probably thinking about your sister, your friend, the woman he saw at the bus stop, or all of them at the same time. What's the difference if he wathces porn or fantasizes about someone else?I can respect that porn may not work in your relationship, but it seems as though many of you cannot respect what others might do in the privacy of their own relationship. If you've been hurt by porn, don't be with someone who watches, but don't chastise or judge others who enjoy porn and use it responsibly within their own relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): Read the posts from the many women who have been hurt by their partners porn use. My h for one started comparing me to these women and this nearly caused our breakup......it IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY FOR ANY MAN WITH AN OUNCE OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN TO USE THIS CRAP
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): I have no problem if one partner has a higher sex drive than the other pleaseing themselves but why must they bring an activity like porn which is very degrading to women and makes many women feel unhappy into this activity. Surely it is possible for men to masterbate in ways that are repsectful to half the polulation????
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): No, I did not say that men are weak willed. I was only giving an example of how porn isn't always a bad thing in a relationship. There are many people who have a high sex drive or are possibly addicted to sex. This is not justification, but it is no different than an alcoholic who needs a drink every day or the smoker who needs a cigarette.Would you rather he had his drink at home and took care of his family business, or sat at the bar all night drinking and coming home drunk? For some people it is "one or the other".Many married couples sex lives slow down after marriage or children. A partner who is denied their sexual needs should be able to satisfy themselves without shame, rather than go outside of the marriage. Are you saying that a persons sexual needs are not as important as anothers emotional or financial needs? If either partner is not having their needs met, whether sexual, emotional or financial there is a tendancy to meet those needs outside of the relationship. I am just suggesting porn as a safe, healthy alternative to having an affair.I tried to be very clear that if your partner or spouse has a problem with porn then you should consider their feelings and make a change. But the partner must also understand if there is a high sex drive and both should find a way to compromise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): To the previos poster...Why must it be one or the other??????Are you saying men are so weak willed and pathetic that they must either use porn or have an affair??????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): I don't know if this holds true for all men, but this is how it is for me. Also, keep in mind that most men have been watching porn and masturbating since they were teenagers.I have a very high sex drive and find temptation very difficult to ignore, but I pride myself in never being one to cheat in relationships even though the urge is there.My wife doesn't mind me using porn to fulfill my sexual appetite if she is not willing (I'd never choose porn over her). Porn helps me to stay faithful to my wife because I don't look outside our house for sexual pleasure.Porn helps me to satify myself safely. There is no risk of AIDS, an unwanted pregnancy, falling in love with another person, etc... I can handle my business and when it's done it's done. There are no lies to cover up, no deceit in our relationship. I have strong sexual urges and I keep them at home where they belong.You are correct though, that he should not compare you to women in the porn or complain about your sex. And if porn is a problem for you, he should respect that and make changes.Let me just pose this question if your man has a strong sexual appetite: Would you rather he masturbate to porn at home or have an affair with someone outside the home?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): I agree with the previous poster who said porn is not good simply because it teaches disrespect for women. Who wants a guy whoget off on women he doesnt even know having all manner of perverse things done to them for money????No doubt lots of guys like this (a sign of their spiritual development) but why would any woman want them I ask????
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): Well i've always seen it as porn can be good just doesn't feel good when your partner watches it in a sneaky way but everyone is different i don't mind porn as long as my partner isnt watching porn on his own and doing it as an extra but i don't mind when i'm included and it isn't about the porn it's just harmless fun together but like i said, everyone is different and we all have our own boundaries which we live by and which make us feel comfortable in the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): Hi Many people will say things like Oh men and women see thing differently, it has nothing to do with his love for youorPorn helps spice up a love life etcThese are justificationsThe truth is that the internet has made porn so much more readily available and the many many posting from people whos relationships are suffering is testament to the fact that it CAN be detrimental.Personally I always believed porn was totally disrespectful to women in general, Us wives, mothers sisters friends and colleagues, but I tolerated my h use of it in private because I listened to all the people who said'Aww its just a bit of harmelss fun'That was until he started comparing me to porn womens, comparing my body and complaining about things that I had no control over like stretch marks or sagging breasts (Ive had 4 children for Gods sake). He began to complain that my body didnt look like that and became more interested in checking out other women than listening to me.,No Im no dog, My weight is healthy, I must be somewhat attractive as I receive regular compliments from other men and even wolf whistles (when I dont have the pram lol but my husband began seeing me as 'same old same old' especially when porn presented him with a never ending supply of 'perfect bodies'. Of course most men deny this and say they think their partners are perfect and porn is just fantasy, but then if this were true why do most of the women in por look so different to the average wife and mother. Why because men set this as the ideal and then some men begin feeling ripped off when we dont meet this standard. instead of setting the average wife and mother as ideal and realsieing that the 20yr old body of some women who has no life experience and no scars of living cannot possibly compete with us.Porn sends bad messages about what women should look like , and how they are sexually..My advice, tell him you are making a choice. You dont wish to be with a man who acts as though he does not respect you or any other women and that although you cant make his choices you would rather be with a man who repects you and wants to share his sexuality with you. If he decides on porn then I guess its a choice you have to make, personally I would run especially if you are planning on aging or having children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): The question is not when to worry about porn. Ask yourself how much porn are you willing to tolerate in your long term relationship. It's you who decides what's right and each of us is different. Share with him your feelings on the issue and see how he responds. How he responds to your concern and or dislike will tell you whether or not you should break up with him. Porn doesn't necessarily lead to cheating. Porn can lead to people separating sex from relationships and taking the intimacy out of it. Addiction is when a man is willing to jeopardize a relationship and reality for porn. If he is, then don't try to fix his problem, find someone who is right for you. Mainly, ask yourself what you want out of a relationship and go after that.
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