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male
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anonymous
writes: My ex-girlfriend (of a long time)and I broke up a year ago. In fact she was more than just a girlfriend as we lived together for quite a while. I know it was mostly my fault.The thing is we have both moved on, and changed to some extent, and have done a lot in this time.I have realised what a huge mistake a made and have recently told her the 100% truth about my feelings.Here is the (male) question: she totally insists that we can only be friends, loves her new life, and hates it when I hint otherwise and throws it quite hard back in my face, but is quite happy to go out to dinner, gym and spend time together (strictly as friends). Am I wrong to think the 'friends thing' is just a sign to take things slowly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): Yes, I think it is possible that you could get back together. After all she still wants you in her life so that means that you mean something to her, which is a good start. The best romantic relationships are built on a strong friendship. However, she probably feels that the reasons why you broke up in the first place are still there so what is the point in getting back romantically together. I think you need this time together whilst you are friends to prove to her that you have changed, not just by saying that you've changed but by proving it over time in the best way possible, by the things you do. I think if you do prove over and over again by the things you do that you have changed you are giving her signs of a great love that she may find difficult to deny. She will probably be charmed by your efforts to gain her love. There is a possibility of course that her love is gone for ever and there is nothing you can do to get it back and you must be prepared for that. She still wants you in her life though so don't be too down-hearted there is reason for hope.
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (31 August 2005):
You told her how you feel and thats good. If you want to stay as friends with your ex you will respect the clear line she has drawn for you and not step across it.
Delila
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2005):
I don't think you're wrong to think this way, but perhaps you might be overly hopeful that this may lead to more, in which you could be setting yourself up for disappointment & heartache. Look at it this way, it's been a year, she's healed, she's happy and she's moved on and is likely dating other people. You need to understand that she has set limits/boundries on your friendship with her (to keep the situation platonic) for a very good reason. In the early stages of the friendship transition, it is important to set ground rules with past lovers. She's doing this because, she's guarding her heart bigtime-she may not trust you, fully. But that's still not to say you don't have a chance-when the dynamics shift back to love, she will let you know.
Also, keep in mind, what defines a good friendship. It's conversation, connection, support and mutual interests,
honesty and most importantly, friendship means caring for a person..with no underlying motivations. If you are seeking friendship with your ex gf just to keep tabs on her or to rekindle your romance, it's probably BEST to redefine your relationship as "becoming friends with strings attached" in which case, you do slow down and take it..day by day. If she's truely happy where she is at right now, respect that & don't rush headlong into her 'world' expecting to be friends with her, when you really have other hopes for her.
And remember, she is a "free" woman-she may find another man to start a romance with. So ask yourself..can you be just friends with her after that happens? If not..then it's best not to define your relationship as "friends" because friends are happy and supportive for each other, when one or the other finds a new Romance/Love in their life.
Have you considered things from her standpoint, some of the same reasons that led to the relationship's end may be the factors that make any chance for a "new start" with your ex, impossible. It's a good thing to really assess the dynamics of your past love relationship with her and try to see it from her point of view. If you were the one at fault and caused the break-up, be prepared to learn that your ex-GF may not see a future for you both to rekindle that love you once shared. If this is the case, will you be prepared to continue just becoming friends with her?
I do think it's important that to fill our lives with people who bring value to our lives but be friends with them for just that reason...open, honest friendship-just don't expect anything more. Just some things to think about. Might be a good idea to have a good chat with her and let her know what you want from her and what she wants from you in return. You both may not be on the same "page" so to speak. Honest, open communications can set the situation straight and then you know "where you stand". Take care and good luck
Hugs and Smiles, Irish
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A
female
reader, xJoannex +, writes (12 August 2005):
She may be feeling bitter for how you treated her in the past relationship and is trying to decied for herself wether or not she still had feeligns for you, its good you both can still remain friends and maybe if you bide your time she may relise how she feels about you and you can both work towards a new relationship. however, she may just want to be friends with you! the best thing to do is wait for her and dont try to push anything she may not want. Goodluck i hope it all works out for you!
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