A
male
 ,
*os
writes:I have a dilemma.My girlfriend has a tattoo. It's not very large, and its right in the small of her back. The problem is, I really don't like it, and for a bad reason. A tattoo in that spot just has negative associations for me: 'tramp stamp' and so on. The tattoo itself represents the goddess of sex and love, which (although obscure) kind of adds to that. I know these feelings are unreasonable, but I have them and they don't seem to be going away. It hasn't helped that several male friends of mine have commented on it to that effect.I haven't told her this, given it's not easy for her to do anything about it. However I'm considering offering to pay to have it removed. I don't know if that's a reasonable thing to do or not. It's not really my place to say, it is her body after all. And the problem is, once I make it clear I don't like it (and why), it's going to be unpleasant for her with it hanging around. Once I tell her, I create a problem that could potentially hang around permanently. It's also behaviour that on my part could fall into the 'dominating / controlling' area rather unhealthily. The funny thing is, she got the tattoo right after she met me, although she didn't tell me about it until afterwards.So I my question is: is it OK to ask my girlfriend to get her tattoo removed?
View related questions:
tattoo Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 March 2008):
Yos is verified as being by the original poster of the question As an update: here is a strange thing. Totally out of the blue (we've not discussed this in over a year) my girlfriend sits me down and tells me that she's seriously considering getting the tattoo removed. She didn't want my opinion (she knows it already), but this was done unprompted.
Unexpected, but I guess perhaps partly why I've struggled with it is because I knew / felt that she wasn't happy with it either? No idea, but I guess sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out.
A
female
reader, xxcat +, writes (1 September 2006):
 well i to have a tattoo in the same place its in memery of my brother who was killed nearly 5 yr ago,so does go for me to!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): The tattoo may be a thing of rebelion. In that moment of time it became something for her that she could do on her own and not hurt anyone.
Her messy past and the tattoo may have been a "new beginning for her and her new found strength and hope" to rid herself of her past.
If that is what she did instead of resorting back to behavours of her past...it really isn't so bad and what you are making it out to be.
It is unfair to her but valid on your side of things to associate it with her messy past.
Is this truly something to bring up? Maybe tell her how you feel but don't suggest getting rid of it. Have you asked her what it means to her? Why did you chose her then if she has a messy past and you are unable to deal with it? Know the answer to that one?
I think you are right that not all battled can be fought within and on your own.
Just be careful how you phrase yourself.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): I don't think there's any thing wrong with not liking one physical feature about your gf. U can't help the fact that you dont like one of her decisions, but on the other hand asking her to remove it shows that you don't understand y she did it and what it means to her, which could be something very special or symbolic because it's probably there for a good reason. Accept her as she is, and don't let your relationship depend on something as trivial as a distatsteful tattoo. Yeah, maybe mention something like u don't like it much but don't be rude or assertive because at the end of the day it's her decision n u havent got a right to tell her what to do. Dont offer to pay for a removal. But if she is set on keeping the tattoo try and overlook it, because if you cant look at her as the way she is and ignore the tattoo then maybe shes better off without you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (28 August 2006):
 I think you need to accept it, as you are trying to accept her past... neither that Tattoo or her past can ever fully be erased... she is what she is, we cant change someone to satisfy ourselves we are all very very different and will always see things differently.. focus on the now Yos or you could lose touch with what you really want.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (28 August 2006):
Yos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou make a really good point Wendy. The scar will always be there, perhaps that will 'remind' me as much or even more than the tattoo. Or my imagination will find something else to fixate on.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (28 August 2006):
 "I'm torn between telling her, based on the notion that it's good to be open and to share, and keeping it bottled up, because it's not a nice thing to say or hear." There is nothing to gain by telling her you do not like something that is very personal to her. It would be different if she were acting nasty to your or doing herself harm. But she is not.It seems like it all comes down to appearances with you. Instead, try concentrating on her personality and having a good time with her, get involved in her life not in just the way she looks. This tattoo shouldn't be such a problem in what seems to otherwise be a good relationship. (I know that you say you know this, but try associating the tattoo with HER, and not something you made up in your mind.)You need to work this out on your own, without telling/upsetting your girlfriend. On the other hand, if you tell her about changing her looks, she might get what bothers her about your appearance out in the open - she may be equally embarassed about what you look like, too. (I know that might sound mean, but it was said to make you think...)(On a slightly different note, I would tell your friends to keep their rude comments to themselves because they're talking about someone you care very much about.)Really, I hope all works out for you and your girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (28 August 2006):
Arr I wrote my reply before seeing what you had written Yos... I see so the fact is actually the past, not the Tatoo, by removing the tatoo will not erase the past... if you cant get past her past, the tatoo will not erase it, you may think this goes some way into helping you deal with it, but it wont... you have address your issues and fears first hand, a simple tatoo will not put any of that in to persepective, you need to actual deal with the issue surrounding that, and from what you say you are some way into doing that... your opinion of her with or without the tatoo will remain until you can deal with issue head on.. by all means mention to her why you dont like it, but it could cause a bigger rift than you anticipate, you dont want her to think how low an opinion if is giving you of her as this will in no way help you deal with the past issues, this will actually ignite them and maybe make it worse in the long run for you to deal... she has a past i can understand you dont like it, but maybe to her the tatoo was an end to that past and that was a way for her to put a line underneath it, and made a different person, the thing is though her past made her what she is today, whether you like that or not, its all about her path through life, and thats the road she took, we call come to this point one way or another that we all agree with the said path, but its a long road will all take and choose to take those life experiences, we cant all live the same way or choose to take different a view, but we can learn and grow and adapt.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (28 August 2006):
What you need to ask yourself is, why does it bother you that much ? You say Tramp stamp... do you actually think that way about her ? If you do then im guessing shes not the one for you... Remember there is a person under that tattoo, and it obviously meant something to her to have it done, perhaps thats why you cant get past it, do you actually know why she did it and what it represents to her ? Maybe she just liked the idea and thought it was sexy ? not thinking that it would have a far deeper meaning ? Do you have trouble in thinking that this it what she reprensents to you ? Do you actually think she is this "Tramp" as you put it and its actually another issue that you cant get past and its the tattoo that reminds you of that ? By asking her to get it removed could spark more than you bargained for... maybe ask her about it, ask what it means to her, and ask why she maybe thought to get one there... does it matter what opinion other guys have of her to you ? Your the one that is with her, surely your opinion counts more, or is that whats bugging you ? Your opinion of her ? A tattoo doesnt always have to represent something... or it could be a way of her expressing herself but didnt really have an in depth thought of what it did indeed really mean. By asking her to remove the tattoo will it make you change your opinion of her ? the scar will still be there and you will know that it was there, so is that really the answer ? It wont take it away as it will still have been there... So im guessing its more than the tattoo, its more of your opinion and maybe that scares you the opinion you have of her ? Ask yourself really and truly what you think of her and is it all about the tatoo ?
...............................
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (28 August 2006):
 Hi again Yos, I hope you didnt find my response harsh, neither do I think your wish is unreasonable!!!!!! I hope things go ok. Take care
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (28 August 2006):
Yos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionInteresting to see how harsh some of the responses are here! I hope from my question it's clear that I don't think my wishes in this respect are particularly reasonable. The problem is, I'm still faced with my intense dislike for her tattoo. Thank you for the replies though. It's something that's been nagging me for a long time and I think I lost my rational perspective on it a long time ago. They make me realise how badly she could react to this if I ever brought it up.
I'm torn between telling her, based on the notion that it's good to be open and to share, and keeping it bottled up, because it's not a nice thing to say or hear. The problem is, keeping stuff bottled up has a way of making it worse in the long run. I seem to do especially badly when I choose to not talk about something that is bothering me.
And yes, the problem is because of the associations, not because of the tattoo itself. She of course likes it and sees only positive associations with it. But she had a messy past and I associate the tattoo, and her desire to get the tattoo, with that. I see the act of getting it as a momentary regression (yes this is a terribly judgemental thing to say, I've not said it to her nor would I). Seeing it reminds me of this, something that I'm trying my utmost to forget and move past. Kind of like how a scar reminds you of an injury. Rational? No. Disruptive and upsetting? Yes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): No it is not alright to ask.
There is another unspoken reason as to why you are really adversarial to it being present; do you know what else you associate it with?
Listen, that is a part of her, it is how she identifies herself.
You are putting to much emphasis on it dude.
You need to figure out how to re-associate it with something else.
I don't think your friends were saying "wow...she has a tattoo, what a tramp".
Ever thought to rub your manhood up against it in oil?
Stop being insulting and adversarial and just focus on the beatiful and fun loving woman she is.
...............................
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (28 August 2006):
Hi Yos, well I personally think that you should not offer her money to get it removed, but on the other hand a tatoo is not something that you are born with, she didnt have to have it done, so perhps you could tell her that you are not keen on it, but try to be a bit diplomatic about it. I personally hate the idea of engraving stuff on the skin, to me its awful, however its something she obviously likes and wants on her body so maybe you just need to accept that. Let me know how things go. xXx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): Yos I think it might be a bad idea to criticise the tattoo. I hated my ex-girlfriends tattoo, for me it was a symbol of a side of her I disliked. I also, through talking to her about it, found that it was very much part of her identity and personality. If I had ever said any thing bad it would have been the same as criticising her personality or her body. "Hey, I hate your breasts, here's £5,000 to do something about them" is probably similar to what you would be proposing by offering to have it removed.
I'm sure the meaning for you, and the meaning for her is different? Try to get to understand exactly why she got it done, and use that to overwrite your meaning for it. Good luck Yos.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): No it's not ok who do you think you are,at the end of the day it is not a crime and it is certainly not a 'tramp stamp' in your little mind maybe,it's just ink and if you had any respect for her and if you do care for her you will see past that.You cannot turn her into the fairy tale person you want her to be,she is not a barbie doll that you can pick up and play with,she is a human being with feelings and emotions and im sure she would feel very hurt if she knew how you felt.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): She didn't get the tattoo for you, she got it for HER. Stop being selfish and don't try to change her. What a ridiculous question. And don't listen to what your friends say - why are they even talking about her that way if they are really your friends? Did you start dating her for physical reasons only, or was it because of her personality? The reason I ask is because this question makes me think you are dating her for physical appearances only. (It makes you sound extremely shallow.) Get over it already. I'm sure you aren't perfect in her eyes, either, because nobody is - is she asking you to change anything about how you look? I doubt it. But if she is, then it seems as though you are made for each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, uonlyliveonce +, writes (28 August 2006):
 i dont think you have any right to ask her to get it removed at all.your the one who has issues with this and thats your problem and you need to deal with it not your girlfriend, its such a small unreasonable thing to be bothering you and if you think anything about your girlfriend you would still feel the same way about her wether she had no tattoos or a hundred it doesnt change her as a person.a tatoo is not a 'tramp stamp' it marks a time in someones life and she robably had it after meeting you because she was really happy and wanted a permanent reminder of that.i think you have some deeper reason for associating negative feelings with a tatoo there, maybe from another girlfriend but whatever it is deal with she shouldnt have to change to suit your feelings. you should see her as a person not a person with a tatoo it doesnt make a differance and who cares what your male friends think? its not there girlfriend and not there place to say anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (28 August 2006):
 You can ask her...she might tell you to bog off though. What your friends think is irrelevant and they maybe playing up to your sensitivities around the issues of tattoo's. What you have got to ask yourself is if you are worried about her being called a 'tramp' and upset by that, or if you are worried about your girlfriend being called a 'tramp' and its implications for you as her boyfriend. I would hazard a guess at the second one since you want her to get it removed - it doesn't sound like she has criticised her own tattoo or had bad experiences from it. You have identified that it is a delicate issue to ask her to remove it and if you tell her your reasons for wanting it removed then she may not like you very much for it. She may also recall the pain of having it put on and not want to go through that again...removal hurts just as much! Only you can decide if your girlfriend is going to accept your proposal on good terms or not - personally I wouldnt mention it because it is in an obscure place (how many people see her back?!?) and she may think it reflects badly on your relationship together. You should try to figure out your feelings about her though - as long as you don't think she is a 'tramp' who cares what other people say???
...............................
A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (28 August 2006):
 I think if it is really THAT much of a problem for you, then you should tell her how you feel. She can probably tell that there is something which repulses you when she sees you looking at her. This can cause potential paranoia and psychological issues within the relationship if not dealt with. I think that this feelings will fade in time, afterall, it does not change the person she is.
How long have you been together?
...............................
|
