A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do I agree to talk with my ex about 'us', or is it better to let bygones be bygones?My ex boyfriend wants to talk to me about ‘us’. I don’t think I am ready to do this, but he is a good person, and I would like to be able to meet him face-to-face to talk. We have tried being friends after we broke up, and it seemed to be working until a few weeks ago. He is increasingly sad when we spend time together, but wants to spend more and more time with me.We broke up amicably and mutually; we don’t see eye to eye on having children, education, or work. He never wants children, and is upset that I am undecided (no children now, but I am not willing to close that door). He makes undermining remarks about me considering my PhD and about me having a job in my field (something I am very proud of). If anyone asks him, he is unable to tell them what my job is or what my master’s degree is in. I wanted to talk about all of this in the months before we broke up, but he didn’t. Part of me just wants to pretend there are no problems between us and curl up in his arms again. But I know that this won’t turn out well.Another part of me doesn’t want to deal with this drama; I have made peace and don’t want to rip myself apart emotionally again. I am tempted to send him a letter then hide for a while, even though it is cowardly and not how I want to treat people.I don’t know what to tell him, and am now not even sure I should talk about this in person with him.Should I meet him and talk, telling him that as much as I love him and think the world of him we are not compatible, or should I call him and tell him I am not ready to talk about any of this?Thank you for your help.
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broke up, my ex, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 January 2010):
I would recommend a phone call. That way, he would hear your voice, rather than read a letter that he could imagine you didn't write.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Basschick and CaringGuy for responding.
It always helps to have someone reinforce what you know (namely that this relationship is over because it won't work).
I guess all I have to do now is decide between letter or phone call; meeting in person is definitley out.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 January 2010):
 Don't fall into the trap of settling for a man because (most of the time) he treats you well and it becomes a sort of "comfort" to have him there. I did this when I was 19 years old and I can tell you at 38 he still did not want kids and now it is too late for me. This man is treating you like a trophy; he's sweet, he probably dotes on you and showers you with gifts but there is no substance to the relationship. If you stay you will become stale and bored and miss out on the chance to have a family. There is nothing wrong with writing your thoughts down and putting it on paper, then give it to him and allow him to digest your feelings from a distance. It'll be less confrontational, you'll be able to say what needs to be said to have closure. Then move on. I wish I would've listened to my instincts years ago.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 January 2010):
I can see from what you've written that you don't think this is a good idea, and I think you know what I'm going to say too.
1 - He doesn't want kids ever. You might.
2 - He was undermining about your PhD and your dream.
3 - He didn't even know what the PhD was in.
In short, he didn't care about who you were, didn't listen to you and you both have different beliefs about children. Those are three very good reasons to have nothing to do with him. You know very well that it will go wrong again. A good guy would have listened to you about your PhD and been supportive. He's not. Move on now and explain to him over the phone that it's over and you don't want to talk about it. That way he hears it from your voice, which is far more real and to the point than a letter.
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