A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have recently made friends with a guy who is in a long term relationship. Whilst at a friends wedding I become upset and he comforted me and held me really close when I said I was sorry he said he wanted me to be open with him ( we were both a bit drunk) and it was ok. So why when another friend jokingly said I was a bit of a tart and we were going on the pull did he start acting weirdly around me? He wouldn't talk properly to me and left her house really quickly. Now I'm so confused why did he act like this? If he wants me to be open why can't he be?Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 He is in a long term relationship and he does not want to get in trouble. Probably your friend's comment made him realize that other people may perceive you two getting closer or being friendly as being flirty ,or being attracted to each other...and that made him err on the side of caution.
Besides, when he said "he wants you to be more open with him "- honey, he was drunk.
Do you give a lot of meaning or importance to things people say when they are drunk ? ... Then, don't- people tend to say lots of emotional or "philosophical " stuff when they are drunk, that they completely forget about when they are sober. So don't overthink that.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 hi I did not assume you had been flirty.
I think his reaction is about him. Perhaps he discussed, later, with someone else, how he felt when he was comforting you. Even though, to you, he was just comforting you.
Men discuss every last thing about women to other men. There are no secrets between men.
The other person sounds like he's blowing out of all proportion what that third party other person assumed. Perhaps the third party other person mis-heard and thus mis-read the situation.
And I accepted that the married guy's reaction, subsequent to the wedding, and perhaps since was because he did not want anyone assuming more about his concern for you. And maybe there was a tiny little spark, that allowed him to see that you were upset, and allowed to want to comfort you. But he is not going to act on it, nor should he.
The problem was the busy body who made that intrusive comment (although when I read the first post did look as if it was together). The busy body was hurtful to both of you.
At the wedding I thought your joint interaction was kindness itself, even if maybe it (quietly) also made him feel good
So far I think you have handled it well. Though in order to protect his marriage I think it would compromise him too much if he revealed any spark for you. Therefore it has to remain undiscussed, as no good can come of discussing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,
sorry I should of been more clear these two incidents happened on seperate occasions. So far I have not acted flirty with him hence no opportunity as arisen where anything could of happened between us!
Thanks
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
he wanted you to be 'open' with him when he was trying to deal with you when you were at the wedding, so that he could better understand why you were upset, and so that he could better help you, at the time.
He is even happy to be your friend.
Your friend.
Friend is not the same as lover.
He is already 'taken'
So when someone else mis-judged the situation and assumed that one or both of you were attempting to be more than just friends it bothered him.
He was happy to be kind to you. But he does not want to jeopardise his primary relationship.
Yes he is a good guy. And so he is doing what he needs to do to maintain his primary relationship. Because that other person means a lot to him.
If he was NOT a good guy (in an existing relationship) only then might you see more of him. Respecting his primary relationship is the right thing to do. There really are lots of similar good guys in the world. And some of them are not yet taken. They are worth cherishing when you find one.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 January 2011):
 He felt tempted to cheat with you and chose the honorable thing - to be faithful to his girlfriend/wife/fiance. He realized that he was flirting with danger by holding you close and wanting you to be open, so he backed away.
In my opinion, he's a good man for not wanting to cheat when the opportunity presented itself to him.
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