A
male
age
36-40,
*imothy81
writes:Hey everybody. The title says it all. I’m in a relationship with an amazing woman whom I love dearly with all my heart. And may be that’s why it hurts so much to realize that she is taking me for granted. It’s not anything major, but rather little things that add up and make me wonder if everything she says about how she feels about me is true. We’ve know each other for almost a year. We seriously talk about getting married some day. We hang out with each other’s families and friends quite often! Everybody knows we are quite serious about our relationship. But sometimes I wonder if she started taking me for granted. Again, it might be just my imagination and may be I shouldn’t even pay any attention to these little things, but it just bothers me so much and can’t just put a “happy face” on myself and pretend that everything is fine.Her texting etiquette is pretty bad. Quite often it takes her forever to text me back. When I’m with her and someone else texts her – she responds right away. But when it comes to me – it takes her forever. I know that she is busy too, but several times I could clearly see her online on facebook doing whatever she was doing there, and yet no text message from her on my phone. So how is it supposed to make me feel? Is she just ignoring me or what? Talking about facebook. She rarely writes anything nice on my wall. It’s like she is really ignoring me there. I write something sweet on her wall, but she doesn’t seem to care. I just get so confused and I’m getting sick of this confusion. Every month we celebrate our monthly anniversaries ever since we started dating and almost every month I take her out to eat or plan a picnic together. But she never does this to me. I truly enjoy doing something romantic like this for her because I’m a romantic person in heart, but at some point I started realizing that my efforts are not that appreciated. Don’t I deserve to be taken out for dinner on our anniversaries? She goes shopping quite often and obviously she doesn’t get stuff for free in the stores. We both work hard, but she hardly ever pays for anything. I’m sorry if I sound greedy, but if she has money for N-th pair of shoes – I think she can afford to buy me lunch sometimes. Or may be shopping really IS THAT important and I should just accept it the way it is?!? No offence to any woman out there, but I’m having such a hard time understanding her. I’m so confused. I get her flowers or cards just because I enjoy doing this. But anymore sometimes she just “forgets” to even mention whether she liked it or not. I’m afraid I’ve spoiled her and now expect her to appreciate me. But she won’t. My question is: is there a way I can go back and make her appreciate me and everything I do? I know she cares for me, but I guess she just knows that I’m there and doesn’t bother herself to put too much work in a relationship? Is there anything I should do or stop doing in order to save this relationship? Because I’m getting so frustrated that I don’t feel like talking to her sometimes.Thanks everybody in advance.
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male
reader, Timothy81 +, writes (17 June 2010):
Timothy81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody so much! I appreciate your advice and it sure helped. I absolutely agree - there are always two sides of the story and I know that I just need to see those things that she does and stop concentrating on myself so much. One again - all your comments were very helpful! Thanks!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I don't think you should suddenly just stop. Rather I think you need to have a calm talk with her about your concerns. Because, in my experience, this comes from misunderstandings or failure to see what the other does. You may feel she takes you for granted. What about the things she does for you? She doesn't buy you lunch, or buys you things, or always reply back to your texts right away. You could try telling her that you'd like her to do these things from time to time, because it would make you feel appreciated. However, she might believe that there are other things she does that make you feel appreciated. Perhaps she cooks you dinner at home. And these are just examples, I don't know what she does, but maybe her dressing up in nice clothes for you is her way of showing you appreciation. Maybe she buys those shoes because she thinks you like them. Maybe she even dyed her hair a certain colour for you.
Maybe she lets you watch sports on tv without complaining. Maybe she buys you beer for guys night. Maybe she keeps herself from texting you constantly because she doesn't want to be clingy.
There could be a million things she does, that she thinks makes you happy, that you don't see. And even if she doesn't say thank you for the flowers every time, she probably still loves that you send her flowers.
What Im saying is, before a proper conversation about these things, don't assume that she is taking you for granted. Don't think that she isn't doing things for you, until you have heard her side of the story. There is always two sides to every story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Hm. I think since you FEEL taken for granted, you should talk to her about it.
But here's the thing, it MIGHT just be a feeling, which is definitely legitimate because something is happening in your relationshp that is causing you to feel this way.
But there's something you should consider... She may be showing her love and affection in ways that you aren't noticing. I say this because I've been on the other side of the relationship, where my bf thought I didn't care when actually I did so much! We talked about it, realized what was happening and worked it out.
I think people show affection differently, which is what I've come to learn after my bf and I hashed out the subject. When we first started dating, he insisted that he would pay for everything when we went out, and although I'm fine with paying my fair share, I am a little old-fashioned and like to be taken care of when we go out, so I let him (I swear I'm not a gold-digger! :)) I think that that is how he showed his affection to me (not the only way of course, that would be...odd, like some sort of "arrangement." Yuck.) But I showed my affection and love for him with little things, like gifts that I know he'd like, like planning fun events, making dinner, buying him books, movies, and video games that I know he'll like, or getting him useful things he could take on business trips, just taking care of him in general, like when he's sick or tired, etc, or listening to him and consoling him when he's down. And he did the same for me, too of course.(Gosh, we both sound so materialistic, which can't be helped when I have to make lists like this).
And I admit that I'm not exactly a verbal person, so whenever he got me things like flowers or paid for dinner or something, I couldn't gush and say thank you. And that's something he brought up, he thought I didn't care, but we talked about it, and now it's okay. I was actually touched by the things he did, but couldn't say anything because I'd get really shy about it.
Have you ever heard of the languages of love? I won't vouch for it or say that it applies to everyone, but I do believe it is true for me (and anyone in my life actually). It just shows how different people show love and affection, and how we can misread each other and misunderstand each other. So your gf might actually really care for you, but you might be missing the cues.
Before you talk to her, it might help to go back and really think about how she might have shown her love and affection for her. I mean, for five minutes, forget how you feel used/taken granted for, and give her the benefit of the doubt and make a list of things she's done for you. If you can't come up with anything, then yeah, maybe she IS taking advantage of you.
But if you do create a list, great! Then sit down and have a talk with her to figure out if there's been a misunderstanding on your part and let her know that you feel the way you do (without blaming her) and because something is happening to make you feel this way it has to be addressed before you can progress with her.
If you've made it this far with her, you must care a lot about her, so I hope it works out for you two :)
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Certainly sounds as though you're being taken for granted(though that's based on the story from your point-of-view. For all I know, your significant other may have a different perspective).
The thing is, I guess we let that sort of thing happen to us. It was something similar with my first boyfriend (and a long time ago, that was!), who pretty much used me as a sex toy more than anything else, without ever giving me anything in return, emotionally or sexually.
Now in your case I think it's still a mild case of 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Maybe you should look at whether your own behaviour is prompting this sort of thing from her? Are you making it a little 'too' obvious that you're so besotted with her that she feels she can get away with anything?
Have a chat with her about your feelings. Most decent people (and I'm hoping she falls in that category) do not consciously taken their partners for granted, and are willing to improve once it is brought to their notice. Just try to say it in a way that does not put her on the defensive. Starting with simply saying "Could you take care of this one?" next time you go for a meal together might be a start.
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A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 "I know she cares for me, but I guess she just knows that I’m there and doesn’t bother herself to put too much work in a relationship?"
Yep, pretty much.
I don't think she is intending for you to feel this way at all. You're putting in more than you're getting back. Try not putting as much in. Back off a little bit, not in a cold way, but just so she gets to see and appreciate the things that you do.
She might just be so used to you pampering her that it doesn't come as a second thought.
As for some of the other things like replying to facebook messages, text messages, and being taken out for lunch and/or dinner; why not simply talk to her about it. Tell her YOU would like to be taken out once in a while.
Sometimes these things aren't as complicated as they seem.
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