A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Call me PETTY, but i am a woman of PRINCIPLE.I recently put a sign on my front door saying, take your shoes off, thanks!! I was getting so angry with everyone bringing mud and grass in to the house and getting it all over my laminate floors that i felt the sign was necessary. So far everyone has had a little moan about this but they are now coming to respect the fact that this is my home and i deserve to have a clean and hygienic one.All was going great, people were taking note and there wasn't any mess to make me feel fed up any more. I'm pregnant at the moment so I'm even more sensitive than usual. Only one problem. My boyfriend's mom seems to think that she is exempt from this and i have had trouble getting his dad to adjust to this rule. My boyfriend's mom came round the other night and dropped of some food for us. She refused to take her shoes off and walked in the house with them on anyway. Her excuse was that she was only going to be a minute and she had been in the car so her shoes weren't dirty. I was so anoyed by this and my boyfriend just moaned at me for telling him. I don't think it's fair that certain people get to wear shoes and others not. It just shouts out one rule for one and one rule for another. To me this isn't fair and i don't see why she should be the only person to wear shoes in the house. I'm really anoyed by this and it's adding stress to my pregnancy. I don't know what to do about this trivial matter....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): It's not about shoes, it's not about dirt, it's all about respect. This is her way of saying she does not respect/accept you in a passive aggressive way.
I have the same with my mother in law. It is your home, people should respect your rules. I was always told to take my shoes off on entering a home. Take shoes with you if you want to wear some inside. For a frequent visitor, why not buy your mother in law some easy slip on shoes for her only, put them at your door and say, when you come these are for you. I have been married 28 years and it is still an issue, I just dont invite them over as often.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for takeing the time out to reply to my message. The mogority of the answers were really helpful.I think being pregnant just amplifies all your emotionswhenever i leave the key for his dad to come over, i will always come back to him with his shoes ON and when i tell him about this his excuse will be, my shoes are clean because i have been in the car. His mom says the same thing to me that her shoes are clean (true) because she has been in the car. It's not just the food either, the other day it was that she only needed the toliet and the time before that she was only picking her husband up. She has no intentions of takeing her shoes of ever because in her mind her shoes are always clean because of always traveling by car. I can now understand why she sees it this way. I haven't had the chance to explain the principle behind this rule yet and thats why it's not ok for her to leave them on. She is only 50 and able bodied so this wouldn't cause her any pain in doing so. If all the people who take their shoes off see her in the house with her shoes on then it's going to look like one rule for one and one rule for another. I certinly would think that. In my oppinion it's the same value as giveing one child £100 and another one £10. I always take my shoes off when going into someone elses house but thats just me. I know that it can take a'lot time, effort and hardwork cleaning a home so thats just what i prefer to do. I have full respect for other peoples feelings so i wuldn't think twice other than to respect their individual needs. I look at it like it must be important to them or they wouldn't be asking me to do that something. Thankyou once again for the replys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): i really know how you feel because i am a clean freak when it comes to my house. Thankfully i do not have a mother-in-law like that but i think you should make the point clear to her that just like her house, you have rules too. Her walking in and disrespecting you like that is like a slap in the face because you obviously respect her, even after her being rude. So take a stand and hopefully, seeming as she is an adult, is mature enough to understand the "no exceptions" rule. Maybe you are even being a little to nice about it, even though it seems wrong to be a little mean.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all your replies, i really aprecitate the time you have tacken out and the mojority of answers were really helpful. I think being pregnant just amplifies your emotions.
When i go to other peoples houses, i automaticly take my shoes of without being asked because i know how much time, energy and effort goes into keeping a clean home,( berlive it or not I'm not one of those over tidy people either).
Firstly, when his dad comes over and we leave the keys for him, i will get back to him with his shoes ON and when i mention that he has his shoes on, he says, oh their not dirty Iv'e been in the car. I have seen him a few times with his shoes on purposely not takeing them off because he dosen't want to (even though i said to him bring some old house shoes over if you don't like to wear no shoes).
Secondly in the case of his mother, in her head she thinks my shoes aren't dirty (True), so i don't need to take them off because i have been in the car. This is not just food either. The other week it was she needed the toliet, the week after that it was to pick her husband up and every time she will say that her shoes are clean.
What would the people who do take their shoes off think if they see that i let some people come in with shoes on and others not. They would think ONE RULE FOR ONE AND ONE RULE FOR ANOTHER!!, i certanly would.
In my oppinon it's the same value as giveing one child £100 and another one £10.
His mother has no intentions of takeing her shoes off ever (i can now see that it maybe because i haven't had the chance to explain the principle of the rule to her)
She is only 50 and is able bodied so i won't be putting her frew pain because if that was the case then i would devently make her exempt.
I have respect for other people and wouldn't think twice other than to do what they have asked me to do. I know that they have a valuble resson behind what ever it is they have asked me to do so i respect them for their individual needs.
Thankyou once agin for the answers
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): to the male anon responder who called the lady with the question a nut job. how dare you. i think this lady should ask the boyfriend to ask his mother and father to respect your wishes and if he can't do that take a stand and ask her yourself. If she then has a problem ask her to stay home. this is your house. i have a love seat in my house and no one sits on it. not even my mother. and she understands that i don't want anyone sitting on it. so if the inlaws has a problem then it is theres not yours.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): I know what you mean, my sister in law got all funny because I asked her, and nobody else had a problem with it. And then she said she goes into her daughter's house and takes her shoes off there! Some people don't think they need to respect you and maybe your mother in law needs to hear that it is your place and you do what she wants in hers so it should be the same the other way round. Don't use your pregnancy as a way of getting your own way though. How could that be relevant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): A few years ago I really got into my place being clean, especially the floors. Especially when, right before I got my new area rugs, I had some guests who came in with mud on their shoes and stomped mud all over my hardwood floors. After that, I told people to take their shoes off at the door and, "I don't want outside dirt on my inside floors" became my mantra. So, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
That said, there are times when we do have to let it go. Like mother-in-laws. I don't have one, but its been my experience with older people that they're going to do whatever the hell they want to do. In order to keep the peace, you might have to just bite your tongue and as soon as she leaves you (or get your man) start cleaning up behind her. If nothing else, if he does it, maybe he'll insist that she take her shoes off before coming in the house.
Believe me, I've had to do that. I'm getting some work done on my place, not to mention the monthly exterminator, and have had to have workmen with their dirty boots tromp into my house, but apparently I have to let them because if they're working in their socks and something happens, I can be held liable. So, I let them. And watch them the whole time. And as soon as their gone, I've got my swiffer or floor vac ready to clean the mess and then the FloorMate to mop up after that.
Yeah, my sister and some friends have called me OCD, but my my marble cermaic tile floors look nice, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let people track mud on my hardwood floors again.
PS: Here's a story to tick you off. I have a nice runner rug in the foyer of my condo... but before you get to it, you're to take your shoes off. I had a guy friend wipe his dirty shoes on my runner rug and he just laughed as he cussed him out for it. Now, that pissed me off, since he did it just to be an a-hole.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): you're a freaking nut job. You can't expect people to take off their shoes to enter your house! What is wrong with you. I admit, if it is raining or muddy outside, they should offer to do that, but you should have a doormat outside your front door for that reason.
When my wife and I were looking for our last house to buy, there was an open house, and realtor was at the front door asking people to take their shoes off. I saw another couple already in the house and the guy I guess didn't wear socks, he was walking around barefoot. Gross! I mean that is OK in your own house, but these were strangers, and they wanted me to take my shoes off and walk around this house, yeah right. Needless to say we didn't look at the house, and it's still up for sale. Hah, revenge for being so stupid. Think about it.
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male
reader, Undisclosed  +, writes (2 May 2009):
 Congratulations on becoming an expecting mother! I'm sorry to hear that this is stressing you out. You're going to give yourself a nervous breakdown. I really disagree with all the iron fist/strong arm approaches that have been expressed so far. You need to be more flexible or, like it or not, you'll snap.
You had one problem before and the sign and the rules are helping. Great! Now you've just given yourself a new problem: Enforcing it! Don't negate the benefit of resolving your first problem by creating a new headache of policing everyone. It will put a strain on your family.
Your partner and his mom should both RESPECT the rule because of the kind effort you put into keeping the floors clean.
This means that when they DON'T FOLLOW it they should still RESPECT it. People respecting the principle of rules by making an effort and sincerely apologizing when they can't. It's the polite thing to do.
Exceptional circumstances will arise. Here, she was bringing you food, she was in a hurry and her shoes weren't soiled. In other words, the benefit and circumstances outweighed the minimal impact on the cleanliness of the floor. Hopefully she apologized for not being able to follow the rule since the car was running.
Remember that you can chose your battles. You've got a growing little one that needs your energy and sanity of mind. Rigidly enforcing rules will drive you up the wall.
SUGGESTION:
"Hi X, I'm really overwhelmed with this pregnancy and we're all doing what we can to keep the place clean. All this shoe traffic is really adding up little by little and taking up my time cleaning. Would you mind taking off your shoes or just handing us what you've brought to help us out?"
vs.
"THE RULE IS 'Take off your shoes when you come in' The rule applies to everyone. What part of that don't you understand?"
Take care.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 May 2009):
 Seems odd to me. In the west it is not a tradition as far as I know to take your shoes off. Japan has that tradition and supplies slippers for all visitors even in really odd places.
But england has the same?
Some people just might not get what the big deal is. If they wear their shoes inside their own house, why shouldn't they in yours. Sure, it is your house and so your rules but that ain't exactly how family works in reality.
Frankly, I get the feeling there is more going on and this issue is just an excuse. Perhaps you feel that your inlaws don't respect you enough. That your mother-in-law gets in the way of your relation to much.
Because if people wear shoes inside and they are dirty, GET A DOORMAT. Look beyond this issue and why you are so irritated with this woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Your boyfriend needs to understand what is important to you especially during this sensative time. Make him understand that while he doens't understand your point of view, it IS how you feel and there is nothign you can do about it. He should tell him mom next time she comes that she needs to take off her shoes.
We was being very nice though in bringing you food, so try very hard not to hold a grudge. Look at it from her point of view. she may be thinking..
Well this isn't fair. I'm taking time to make and bring her food, i only ask to stay long enough to bring the food in, and she wants me to bend over with this food in my hand and take off my shoes only to put them right back on in less than one minute. It's not like i'll br treading all over the place.
You may both feel disrespected. If your boyfriend refuses to talk to her, then you should try again next time she comes.
I'm sorry if you felt disrespected the last time i asked you to take your shoes off, and i really appreciate the favour you were doing for me, but taking off your shoes when you come in is very important to me. So please, consider my feelings and respect them when i ask this small thing of every guest..
SOmething like that. But all in all, it is not one of life's major issues, so you should try to ease up a little and not let things affect you this way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): I can see the rudeness in her disregarding your rules but don't be so quick to judge. I have excessive sweaty feet, which causes my feet to smell at times, I would certainly not want to take my shoes off at your house..
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): OH MY GOSH! she brought food in for you as a favour! and i bet her shoes didn't make a mark on that carpet you ungratefulgirl!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Its one thing for a person to not see the sign or whatever, but its another to completely disregard your wishes. In my previous relationship, I had an issue where I had to force my partners parents to back off, and she wouldnt do it for me. It was tough, and it got really ugly, but in the end, they learned how far they can go, how much I will take, and for how long. Afterwards (a few months), they came to respect me, and to understand that they arent except from rules, and they cannot just pull 'seniority rules' to get out of it. If you firmly believe they are wrong, talk with your partner about it. If he refuses to deal with the issue, deal with it yourself, but God help those poor people on the receiving end of a pissed of pregnant women. Mention that to your partner too :)
You are in the right here, and while it is a trivial matter, its the principle of it that is ignorant and rude, and allowing the small things to escalate will only make matters worse. If they see they can push you over, they will try. The fact that they are even testing you is proof.
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female
reader, niki20  +, writes (2 May 2009):
 talk to your boufriend tell him its rude and your sick of him moaning about it to. let me guess do you do all the house work to?? if he does tell him if his mom and dad come by and refuse to take their shoes off that he can clean it up because cleaning up after something yoi feel so stronhly about is ridiculous and youll only get even more stressed about it. which can actually bring you to premature labor.good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): that is rude…that would piss me off too…i just moved into a new apartment a year ago and i like for people to take their shoes off at the entryway as well…most people do, knowing that i feel this way…or should at least realize it since there's typically a lot of shoes there! i get so annoyed and offended when i see people just come on in with not even considering taking off their shoes…it's rude…i don't care if people think their shoes are clean or not, heck maybe they are, but like you said…it's principle! certain friends are always good about taking off their shoes…like my friends who are particularly good christians, my friends who grew up in homes where parents did that, or my one friend from japan
i think the rest of the world would do well to follow japanese culture in so many ways…the shoe thing is an act of courtesy and the idea that some places are clean places and others aren't
your mother-in-law sure sounds obstinate and hard-headed…probably anything you said to her would just lead into an argument…just tell your boyfriend to start cleaning the floors and actually helping out around the house and that real men don't bitch and moan and that that's what teenage boys do…
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