A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and this guy are in love.We dated a short while, but had to break it off, after he stopped coming around to see me as often as he used to, and ditched several significant occasions, being afraid of facing anymore disappointments from him, i suggested we take a break.He agreed to it, but said this wasn't over, he didn't mean to hurt me, but things had changed since we started dating, he didn't have the same volume of work at his job and he wasn't nearing graduation and that once he graduates he will make it up to me.after breaking up earlier last month, we still talk to each other each day, still very affectionate, and we are still sexually active, and promised each other, that we would be together forever.We get into arguments about other men and women at least once a week, where he scolds me for talking to other men, partying, flirting with them, even if I wasn't. I have similar panic attacks when it comes to him and women, but he always re-assures me about how much he adores me more than other women, even his friends.The last time we slept together, we had another argument about other men, but after it he tells me he wants to watch me get f**ked by another guy, while we were in the middle of sex, he set the limits of how much i could give the other guy.I agreed, after we finished, he started texting his friends, he told me he has done it several times, with many of his exes and with his friends, even family.He even did it with the ex that he was madly in love with and wanted to marry.after about 10 minutes, he said he wasn't in the mood for it anymore, at that specific moment, and we should do it later.Later though, he wants it to be a more elaborate experience that involves several males and females, and he will be joining and they are all coming from his side, which is great because I find it very hard to ask people for such things.I asked him if he promised he would still want to be with me forever, he said yes.Given these people were his family and friends, I told him they might try to break us up (there was one incident before), he said they wouldn't.Now, I'm confused about what to expect from him and about the nature of what we have. Can anyone shed some light on this?Also, do you think we can settle down together one day and have a family?At the moment, I am still struggling to advance myself in my career, which is the most important thing in my life. But i love children and want to mother a few, while being married to their father, sometime in the future, after being financially secure and finding Mr. Right.Can this guy be the one? Or is it no way he would turn a woman he shared with several men and women into his wife and mother of his children?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing, he never didn't talk to me for 4 months, we still kept in touch everyday, via phonecalls/whatsapp, even if we are abroad on business trips. We are bestfriends, I know this is all weird.
What I meant, is he didn't come to see me in person in 4 months.
This is why I needed to hear other people's feedback & all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionModnote: Wikipedia defines as: Candaulist:Candaulism is a sexual practice or fantasy in which a man exposes his female partner, or images of her, to other people for their voyeuristic pleasure. Such a practice is widely regarded as a breach of trust, implicitly placed by the female in her sex partner.Hi thanks again for ur answer.I think u misunderstood.I meant I am afraid IF i did it, it would lead to complications and i lose him.Otherwise I know he would understand if i don't want to do it because am not into the idea.But he knows I am, given I have been in fmf threesomes before and generally have a high sex drive.The idea is interesting to me, but i figured if i ever did it, I would be single, in a far away country, in a swingers club and I wouldn't have to face these people again.I did some research, i think he's a candaulist, he does take a lot of pictures of me when we are together of me alone or in the middle of the act.I am suspecting he may have shared them with some people (i haven't met any of the people he is suggesting for orgy, so why would they say yes if they dont know how i look?), but I'm ok with that, having the solo pictures being seen by other people. I mean realistically he isn't the only guy walking around with my nudes (all headless ofcourse, even photoshopped to remove any unique features).But he is the only one I let take pictures of us in the act, without removing body art, same with the solos he keeps.So yeah, if I turn it down, he will know, it is lack of trust in him, to not judge me, and make me take the fall for his ideas, etc.I was just hoping to hear from women who may have had lovers with similar interests and somehow their relationship progressed in the future...?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Hi, I wrote the first response. So you are considering doing this to "not lose him." Thats not a good enough reason. You sound like you have no control or power in this relationship and he is taking full advantage of your vulnerability. You shouldn't have to reduce yourself or engage in stuff you don't really want to do to keep a guy around. And that he is making you feel that way is proof that he does not love you. And he IS making you feel that way, if not he wouldn't be so blatantly trying to take advantage of you during such a sensitive time in your life. You're crying, having a panic attack and he has a boner? It sounds like he gets turned on by your vulnerability and the power he can wield over you because of it. Sorry to be so honest, but that's gross. He didn't talk to you for four months, you RIGHTFULLY broke up with him because he was being distant, and then he is grilling you about what you did during that time? You had every right to do as you pleased during that time. Especially since he's the one who backed away and let you go. Meanwhile I haven't an ounce of doubt the hipocrate was out playing the field the four months he didn't talk to you. I can tell you with 100% assurance that this guy IS using you and has no intention of sticking around "forever." He's just telling you what you want to hear. I think you are making a big mistake in doing this and even sticking with him. I completely agree with the previous poster, "he will not think you're a prize after you do it." And come to think of it, while my boyfriend had engaged in wild sex acts at times, he actually didn't think highly of the women who were doing this. In fact hes told me he could only do that with girls he didnt care about. That's why he would never do that with a serious girlfriend he loves. You really need to get rid of this guy. What is so special about him that you don't want to lose? He sounds horrible...You should really think about this.And what's worse is it sounds like your girlfriends are unable to be supportive as they themselves are attracted to shallow men with shallow emotions who treat you like sluts when you go out. That's just horrible. So when you are out with them and you're supposed to be having fun, meanwhile they are enabling you and themselves to hang around creeps, to be in situations where you feel disrespected and violated, (thats not fun!), I can see why you seem to think this guy, who himself is horrible, is still a better option than being single! And that's probably why you go back to him.I think you should get rid of this guy, take a break from these girlfriends, do some soul searching and do your best to surround yourself around people who are dignified and uplifting, who put themselves in positive situations. I think your shoddy "support system" is the reason you feel so lost. You really need to work on improving the quality of people you allow in your life. Take a break from all these people and really do some soul searching and work on you, your self esteem, your anxiety issues so you can respect yourself and your life enough so that you can be picky about who you allow to influence your life and to be in your life. Stay away from these clubs where you meet these losers, stay away from these girls who go out TO meet these losers, and stay far far away from this other loser whose just using you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013):
Gee whiz .. Look sweetie you are setting yourself up for a nasty fall .. If you have feeling for this guy then stop messing around say look I real care for you, no I don't want to sleep with your friends or relatives .. As that is deeming me and you.. If I can't satisfy you then maybe you should move on..
As far as I can see, you want to be the only person in his life and yet by saying yes to this fantasy or test ? You are letting others come in between .. If you can honestly say you be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not feel embarrassed by what will happen.. Then go for it..
My two cents worth .. No he won't think your a prize after you do it .. Sorry but that's the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for ur reply.
Actually it was me who had asked for a break.
I am going through alot in my personal life with parents divorce, 1 of my siblings being bed-ridden for more than 2 years now & working in a very pressuring environment.
Our relationship had hit a rough patch & he didn't see me for 4 months!! while he did promise to work on our issues, I am just facing so many disappointments, I didn't want to add anymore disappointments from his side.
He resisted in the beginning, but when he saw i was having continuous panic attacks about how he might hurt me in the near future, he decided it was better for me if we took a break.
Another thing that was making me panic, was that I was spending alot of time with my single female friends and I was meeting other guys. They were mostly rich guys, who would treat me & my girls at a pricey place, but I would never see them again, because I didn't want them trying to get intimate with me. 2 of them had actually gotten fresh with me from the get-go, thankfully i have girls that don't let me leave with any guy (1 of the times I don't even remember i was too drunk). I was feeling guilty about this too.
After the night I got so drunk & some random douche tried to take advantage, i lost interest in guys, i just carried on talking to 1 guy as he was a gentleman, until he started asking for sex.
I officially have no interest in any men, I spend most days at home/office, catch up with my mother/friends, depend on my own income for my social/family dates.
I still want sex from my ex, he passed on sex with me several times, when I wasn't sure about it, never tried to convince me.
It's weird but I am the one who still wants sex from him, because I don't have the time or patience or tolerance to get to know other guys & see if they would be compatible with me.
He wants it too ofcourse, otherwise he wouldn't do it.
But yes the last time I saw him after 4 months, he asked me if i got with anyone.
He's still a student, so he doesn't have that much time on his hand, he isn't as socially active as I am.
I wanted to be realistic, so I confessed about the 2 guys who kissed me, but told him I take responsibility only for 1 of the guys.
It was this, along with the fact that my cellphone was ringing non-stop by guys on a weekend while he was with me, that set him off.
He fought with me, told me I was a player and he doesn't see himself being with someone like me in the near future(we should be getting back together officially sometime in the fall or winter of this year). I asked "so what? u just want to f**k around?" He said "yea".
I moved out his arm, told him hes the one who neglected me for 4 months, when we started out together, I wasn't like this, that he set this relationship up for failure. He isn't even telling me what he wants me to do to make it work from my end.
He said no & he doesn't care what I used to be, he cares what I am now.
I had quit smoking since a month, i took out my old pack & started smoking 1 cigarette after another, he tried to take out the cigarettes from me, I didn't let him & i started crying profusely. He kept apologizing & asking me to look at him, but I wouldn't. He kept trying to hold me, saying he was here, he would always be my daddy & when the time is right, he will ask me to change my numbers & cut off those guys.
While he was talking, i was looking down or a away, I saw his boner. when i finally turned to face him, he asked me if I loved him, I said no, he doesn't love me so I didn't love him back. He started laughing said that's not how love works, but even if it did, its not a problem because he loves me more than anyone.
He hugged me & kissed me, asked if i was ok with us having sex now, I said yes.
While we were doing it at that moment, that's when he started talking about how he wants to watch me with another guy and he set out the limits.
One of which I should not keep the contacts details of the guy & I am to never interact with the guy.
Then as I already mentioned above, he backed out.
Honestly, yes I am doing it for him & he knows that & i think he takes comfort in that.
But I don't mind doing it, if I don't lose him, I had my own adventures in the past being a bisexual.
Nothing of this scope ofcourse, but I am really just worried about where I would be with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): I was a little confused when reading your post, I didn't quite know if this is something you ACTUALLY want to do or do you just want to please him?I think if you are both on the same page sexually and on both parts genuinely want to engage in an orgy, then I think it's fine. But if you are doing it out of pressure, I would rethink your decision. So if that's an issue feel free to repost and I can give you better advise on that. My boyfriend had a pretty wild sex life in his younger years. Engaged in a lot of similar stuff that you're describing, orgies, threesomes, foursomes, five somes, swinging, you name it. And he would cringe at the thought of me being with another man. And in spite of his wild past, he and I are exclusive and we wouldn't want it any other way. And as far as I know the girlfriends he was serious about before me, he was also exclusive with. But I suppose there are people who are committed to each other that do enjoy having a wild sex life together. There are a lot of famous swinger couples who are married and have kids. It happens. So that to me is not what's troubling. The biggest red flag for me is that he "broke" up with you a month ago and admitted he didn't have the time or whatever to be serious/in a relationship. Meanwhile he still sleeps with you, without the commitment and he is trying to engage you in these pretty wild sex acts, still without committing to you. Because you guys haven't sealed the relationship/commitment, it's possible he does see you as a sex toy, rather than the woman he wants to marry. If you both started off on the right foot, and there was a real relationship, there was commitment and THEN you both decided to experiment in the bedroom, that would be very different. That would be more legitimate. But you guys don't have that. If labels mean anything, youre really just a f*** buddy. And if he wanted to be with you forever he wouldn't be avoiding the commitment and being in a relationship with you. Because there is technically no relationship, the guy knows he can have his cake and eat it too. To be honest, I think this guy may be using you for sex.
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