A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dont wanna write an essay but i feel as though i need to fill you guys in all the details. I've been dating my girl for over a year now. We've known eachother for 13 years. She says shes the happiest shes ever been and so am I. We are very much in love and I hope to marry her one day. But there's just a few things that are holding me back and its all my fault, let me explain....I've only ever had 1 girlfriend before her. She's had 4. I've always been open about my sexual past towards my girlfriends as i have nothing to hide. When i was with my ex she told me her ex was huge, bigger than me and also told me some of the things they did sexually. Now for a long time that bothered me but i think eventually i got over it. I was with my ex for 4 years.With my current girlfriend the same thing has happened. We are very open about our sexual past. I kinda already knew I wasnt the biggest she's ever had. Im asian and so is she. Although she did tell me im a decent size for an asian and the biggest asain she's ever had,.anyway. We were lying in bed one day and the whole size thing came up. She told me her ex was the biggest. Now this guy was european which I've met before. Hes taller, bigger etc. They dated for 14 months and it took her 18 months to get over him. She didnt handle it very well. This bothered me because i always felt that she would never love me the same way as she loved him. Every time she spoke of their relationship she always mentioned how hard it was for her to get over him and how strongly she felt for him. But with me she always seemed cold and never showed her emotions. So of course i felt insecure and as though she would never love me the same. Do u blame me??Anyway way back to what i was saying before.I just cant get the thought of her enjoying sex with her ex whom was bigger than. I keep getting visuals of them doing it and its sickening i know. she told some of the things shes done in the past, its like im judging her, i cant look at the same way. why am i like this? i hate myself for it. Im usaully a very easy going, non judgemental person who excepts people for who they are but when it comes to my girlfriend im like the complete opposite. why cant i get over it this time? Is it the fact that im very attracted to her? more so than my ex? I really dont know, im trying to come up with answers in my own head. I need help, desperatly i think. I've spoken to spoken to a few people about this and they've said if i cant get over these feelings then it would be unnfair injustice to keep continueing with relationship and to end it. this is seriously doing my head in. I'm even started to counsellig sessions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): People love to tell you that your GF's past bothers you because you are insecure about your penis. But that is not the truth. The truth is you would still be very bothered by your GF's sexual values even if her exes were all tiny. Blaming it all on the penis issue is reversing the cause and effect. The penis insecurity is a by-product of the deeper moral difference between you two and the different ways you have lived your lives. It sucks because there is really no solution for this. You really should not have to change yourself any more than she should have to change who she is. You both should just be with partners who are a better match for yourselves. But unfortunately we live in a time and place where it is socially unacceptable to be concerned about your partner's sexual values.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Now you're crossing into different territory and this isn't about concern for your penis size any longer.
To me this sounds like a classic case of putting a girl on a pedestal. You knew her as a friend for 13 years, so thought you knew who she was. Then it becomes clear you didn't really know that much, and you had a lot of unrealistic beliefs about who she was that turned out not to be true. Who knows where you got these ideas about who she was, you didn't get them from actually getting to know her. You just made up and illusion about who she was. Then as you get to know her better, the illusions do not match up with the truth. But who is to blame? Her? She did not know you had illusions about who she was.
Instead of being disappointed when you find out she's not what you IMAGINED she would be, you should be thrilled to learn more about the woman you love. You should keep in mind the reasons you love her, which are hopefully not based on illusions, but on reality. Perhaps you love her because her smile lights up your day? Perhaps you love her because of the way she holds around you, the way she kisses you etc. Perhaps you love her because of the kindness she shows... I don't know why you love her, but I am sure you have your reasons, and I am also sure that your reasons for loving her were not "because she is identical to me and would hold off on sex for this and that long and because she hasn't seen or been with a bigger penis".
Stop dreaming about who she is and get to know her and love her for the person she actually is. Settle with the fact that you can NEVER truly know another human inside and out. Through out life they will keep surprising you, keep teaching you new things about themselves. People aren't constants, they move about, develop, learn new things, open up or close in. You can't expect her to be a constant illusion for the rest of your life, she is a person who has invited you to come closer and get to know her. That is a privilege.
And remember that truth is subjective. What is true to you does not need to be the truth for her. Example, when you say you are picky you choose to be with few women, if any at all. That is the truth for you, being picky means you have less girlfriends. But that does not need to be true for her. She can be picky, but have several boyfriends in the past. She can be picky about other aspects you know, such as who she chooses to open up to, or who she takes seriously, or who she can see a future with. For you, being picky meant having sex with fewer, and waiting longer. For her, being picky does not have to mean the same. Truth is always subjective, and not universal. So don't presume that what is true in your view of the world, is true in her view of the world.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 April 2013):
Dear OP,
First of all, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing the problem and looking for help. Counselling is a good idea, and couple therapy might be an even better idea.
To me, it sounds like you have some self-esteem issue and that you are someone who worries a lot. Because if not, why would you bother about your girlfriends' past so much and about your performance? Why would you even ask her about her exes' penis size?
Since you've already been bothered by the sexual past and the penis size of your last girlfriends' ex, this doesn't seem like something that has to do with your current relationship, but with some more long-lasting problems.
Your girlfriend clearly said that she enjoys it with you the most and seems to be happy with you, please don't give up on the relationship, it seems worth keeping. If you quit now, you'll have the same troubles all over again if you get a new girlfriend that's not a complete virgin.
You've been picky, she hasn't always been. Why does this make her less than perfect? Does a lively sexuality and the wish to explore make someone "damaged"? If you think that, where does this opinion come from? Or are you secretly jealous?
I can only recommend you to try and really, deeply explore this issue. Not just intellectually, but also emotionally. What exactly do you feel? Is it anger, disgust, fear, disappointment? Where do this feelings come from? What is your sexual history and when did the doubts and worries start? Was it even before you had sex for the first time? If you want to move on, you need to face the ugly truth first, the pain that caused your worries.
What could your girlfriend do in order to make you feel better? Is there anything that could really help you, or would you worry no matter what?
I'm optimistic that you can gain some insights in this matter and that it's not too late for you to build a happy future with your girlfriend. I don't know how open you are about your problems, but I would talk to her, tell her what bothers you. And that you are seeking help and that it might take some time. But that you believe in your relationship and you're happy to have her in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@mishmash to be honest im not even sure where these feelings are coming from. thats what im trying to figure out. its like im always curious to know, not good i know.i judge her harshly maybe because in my own mind i want her to be this perfect girl. see when i found out she slept with this guy after only knowing him for a short time, i thought less of her. i was like saying to myself "how could you?, this is wrong" like i couldnt look at her the same way anymore. i wouldnt expect her to do something like that, i felt kinda mad. it made me feel like i didnt know her, or this isnt the person i thought she was or the person i fell in love with. maybe this is because i myself wouldnt do such a thing so when i found she did i had all these feelings come up.i've always been very picky when its comes to choosing my partner, she's my 2nd girlfriend and im 30. maybe if i was the type to sleep around or to do so easily then maybe i wouldnt have judged her so harshly because then i would think less of it and not be so harsh on her. i think maybe its because i expect her to be this innocent girl but when i find out things that lead me to believe she's not i get dissapointed. im messed up i know and im trying really hard to change myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u all for taking the time out to respond. i am so very gratefull.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): Lots of guys have these feelings about their girlfriends , wives past. That's why we never tell. What is the point? By the way you guys have past also.
Your girlfriend is correct: bigger is not only not better, but if it's too big it s even worse. She told you he had biggest penis, did she tell you he was also better than you? Size doesn't matter as much as you guys tend to think. If you can't operate it well, it doesn't mAtter small or big.
If you can't get over your girlfriends stories, then leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): "see im not really insecure about my size but am the fact that my partner has been with someone bigger..."
Sorry OP, but I don't believe you when you insist you're not insecure about your size...And worse, you miss place the source of your insecurity as something that has to do with your girlfriend. Your feelings of inadequacy have nothing to do with your partner, it's how YOU perceive yourself next to these past people that you're so eager to find out about....but I guess that's what the counseling is for.
One thing I'm not understanding is how your feelings of inadequacy impact your relationship with your girlfriend. It's obvious that you judge yourself harshly,but you also mention that you judge your girlfriend harshly.
What do you mean? Give an example?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 April 2013):
"I'd do or give anything to fix these feelings of insecurity or judgement or what ever u wanna call it."
Then you need to stop prying into her past sexlife. If knowing makes you feel bad, don't ask!
It is crazy to think you should have the biggest penis a woman has ever seen. You know there are millions of men with a bigger penis than yours. You also know there are millions with smaller penises than yours. Just like some men are taller than you, some men are shorter than you. It's nature. Some are bigger, some are smaller, but everyone are natural. It's not that more is better, and less is worse. They're all equal, but different. This however sounds more like something you need to work on yourself, and change in your mind. You judge yourself. You are disappointed with yourself, and feel that you yourself is lacking. You compare yourself to others, and conclude that they come out better than you. This makes you angry and upset, and you take it out on your girlfriend.
But I still will say, you don't have a problem with her past, and you don't actually have a problem with her, or judge her, or resent her. You judge yourself, you compare yourself with others and you think negatively about yourself.
When you heard she had a boyfriend with a bigger penis you could have thought "oh well, what difference does it make? She's with me, she's happy, and I'm happy. I don't care about what size her ex was, as it is irrelevant".
Instead, you decided to think negatively: "Her ex had a bigger penis than me, that must mean I'm not as good in bed as him. It means she loved him more than me, it means I'm worth less than him, it means she can't be happy with me and I can't be happy with her, because I'm not the best and biggest in her life".
You think these negative thoughts DESPITE all the positive responses from her. So you choose to believe in the imaginary, negative thoughts, and disbelieve the real and postive responses from your girlfriend (who knows better than you what she likes and dislikes in bed).
So this is what you need to work on. Your image of yourself, and how to handle negative thoughts. This is something you can work through. If you break up with your girlfriend over this, and not work on yourself, you will probably have the same problems with a new girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, bucho888  +, writes (3 April 2013):
Love making isn't always about penis size.There are more important conversations you should be having with your girl rather than penis sizes.Goodluck
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 April 2013):
I have good news for you, and bad news. Lets start with the bad news, which is that it was a terrible idea to be "open" about sexual past. You're not being open at all, the two of you are sharing intimate details that are veryspecific and personal, and details like that shouldn't be shared at all. Being open simply means you don't keep secrets. Being open isn't measuring up the penis sizes and then comparing them to your new partner/ compare sexual activities etc. Such a thing would be crossing the line, and you've both crossed that line.
It's one thing to be open and honest.. it's quite another to spill out intimate details no one truly wants to hear or know about. You didn't want to know, or need to know, her exes penis size, and she had no business telling you either.
The good news is: you're not crazy. Everyone in your position would feel awful about this. No one wants to know this specific information! No one. You don't want to know her exes penis size or sexual perfomance any more than she wants to know about your exes in bed. Like I said, it's one thing to be honest and open, and quite another when too much information is too much. Example: if I went to the bathroom and you asked me where I was it's quite enough to tell you I went to the toilet. I don't need to inform you about the colour of my pee or the shape of my poop. There's a line where it just becomes too much and no one wants to hear the details.
The truth is, you're not her biggest penis. You never were, even if you had known about her exes size or not. But now that you know, it hurts your feelings, because whether or not she compares you to her ex, you compare yourself to her ex. I'm not a jealous person, I handle such information about the sexual past quite well. But even I draw the line at the specifics. I had an ex who once started to share how he had anal sex with his ex and how she enjoyed it... I didn't ask, and I certainly didn't need to know! So the rule is to never ask what you don't want to know, and never TELL when you aren't asked.
You need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her how this makes you feel. Tell her that you want to be open and honest about the past, but there's a line where you don't want to know or hear the details, and unless you ask her she shouldn't tell you things, because they can be hurtful. Besides, it is tacky to share information as such. Imagine if you broke up and she went and told her new boyfriend YOUR penis size? So no... whatever her exes penis looked like she needs to keep it to herself. You had no business asking, she had no business telling.
Good news again: everyone would feel bad when being told too much information. Everyone. So no, you're not crazy to feel this way, it is quite normal to react in this manner. If such details didn't bother you before it's because you've changed and started to put more emphasis on such matters, or you might just care about this girl more than you cared about your ex. More good news: Remember that she did break up with her ex. If he was the one for her, if she loved him the most, if his penis was what she needed in life.. then she wouldn't be with you. If she tells you she's the happiest she's ever been then you need to start believing her. Because it's probably true.
Councelling sounds like a good idea. It helps to talk these things through. I don't think you need to break up with her just because you can't feel okay about her past... Because like I said, you have been told too much information and no one would be okay with hearing what you've heard. We just don't need, or want, to know the details! It's not her past that bothers you after all, you knew all along she had boyfriends before you and you were fine with that. You wouldn't have had this problem if she hadn't shared too much information.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@mishmash thanks for your input. i asked the questions not the ladies. see im not really insecure about my size but am the fact that my partner has been with someone bigger. it makes me feel like she enjoyed sex better with someone else or im not the best she's had. she tells me "bigger is not better" and that she "enjoys it with me the most" not only that, i feel as though when it comes to my girlfriend i judge her very harshly. like when she told me some of the things she's done sexually in the past. its like i cant look at her the same or get past it. Im trying really hard to just let it go. it affects me to the point where i think of leaving her because i think it would be injustice and unffair to her if i continued in this relationship feeling the way i feel. i need to just get over it i know but its easier said than done, i wish it were that simple. I'd do or give anything to fix these feelings of insecurity or judgement or what ever u wanna call it. God help me!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): "When i was with my ex she told me her ex was huge, bigger than me and also told me some of the things they did sexually. "
"We were lying in bed one day and the whole size thing came up. She told me her ex was the biggest. "
OP, did you at any point ask these ladies, "how big was your ex?" or "who was the biggest man you've been with?" "or how do I rank? "
Or did they just volunteer this information? Most women know better than to go there, so I feel I have to ask if this was something you prompted, because it sounds that way.
If you asked them leading questions, this is something that you are obsessed with and it's something you probably bring on yourself...not something that these girls do to you.
The anxiety you feel with these women, isn't something you "get over" until you realize it's coming from you and your insecurities, and not from them.
The counseling is a good idea. I'd keep going and feel free to be as vulnerable with the counsler as you like. I'd be a little less vulnerable with the ladies.
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