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Frank B Kermit
writes:Swinger Beginners:Keep it Out of the Work PlaceBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsDear Frank, My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests. Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it. One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives. Thanks in advance JC Dear JC,When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same. You go SLOW. Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour.With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband. Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex. When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated. Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career. Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits.With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers. In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too. Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy. The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal. My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive. Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any. Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband. There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and the new http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free.-FrankFrank Kermit is a relationship coach, best selling author and educator, columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on 800 AM CJAD’s Passion radio program. Come out and meet Frank in person at Frank’s weekly relationship workshops offered every Saturday night from 6pm to 9pm.
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