A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:It is just so hard to hear so many girls have been sexually abused. Every girlfriend I ever had was abused. My new one was. I have yet to hear the details but I allready know this is going to classify as "horribly sexually abused". It is not going to be easy to hear about it. Now imagine telling it. Who could do such a thing to such a sweet little angel as she must have been as a child? Those abusers have ruined so many lives, including, I must selfishly say, my own - and I was never abused. All this pain and hurt walking around in our world from sexual abuse, and any abuse, but sexual abuse takes away something extra. People must never lie about sexual abuse because it makes things even harder for the actually abused. Because people have lied, I have to suspect my new girl of just making it up because it is a handy excuse not to have sex with me. And that is not true, but it is another betrayal for her. See?? Just don't lie about it. My mistake in my marriage was not hearing enough about my wife's sexual abuse history. She didn't want to talk about it because she thought I would reject her or something. Only later, after our marriage broke up, did I even know she had been abused. My new girl is special, and I am going to help her all I can. We might never have sex, I don't know. One way of dealing with it is meditation. The idea is to learn to have a degree of detachment from the memories of it. Victims have been letting it rule their lives, whereas SURVIVORS learn to have some control over their reactions to the thoughts. The thoughts become less and less frequent too. I know meditation, and my best [ever] girlfriend wants to learn it, for her own reasons. I hope she finds some relief from her tortures. She is so sweet and yet she has been in trouble - totally out of character I think. Reacting to the abuse by living dangerously is fairly common in abused girls. It is just so common. Hardly any girl I know escaped this bizarre and cruel aspect of human life. It goes on and on, don't doubt that. It is happening somewhere on your block right now. I think this deserves more attention, we have to educate all men on this basic fact - KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF!! I come here to learn about what helps these girls. I just want my angel to feel good again.
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reader, Odds  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Just want to chime in to the OP...Don't feel bad about the angry responders at the bottom of the column. You are here trying to find a way to reach out and help abuse victims, and they are lashing out at you for your attempt. Don't be discouraged; you're obviously here with the best of intentions.You don't need to have experienced abuse yourself to want to help and sympathize. Anyone who says otherwise is basically saying there is no point in trying to reach out to others. You don't have to get shot to comfort a friend with a bullet wound, and I absolutely refuse to believe that I am incapable of helping someone, even if it's just to sit still and listen for a while - and you should think the same way.What you as a man can do is not to try to convince her to talk about it or confront, nor to bury it and pretend it never happened. Be a rock; be the source of strength in a storm. Be the emotionally pillar to lean on. Let her know, gently and without insisting on anything, that you always have ears to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Or, alternatively, that you are always available for normal, everyday interactions, and that she need not constantly be reminded of her past.Trust her to be an adult and to know when to vent her feelings or ignore them, and that you are not going to treat her like an invalid. Trust her to be strong and to know herself, and she will be strong enough to accept and love herself.As for telling men to keep hands off, the vast majority of men DO understand this! But a certain percentage of men (and women) are fundamentally screwed up, so the higher our population, the more of these sickos there will be. What matters is that we deal with them to the fullest extent of the law, without poisoning our children's minds against all men in the process.
A
female
reader, Curly21  +, writes (26 August 2010):
Sexual abuse and rape is the hardest thing a woman can go through i am 14 and was abused for 4 years i now have an 18 month old daughter as a result of rape. i personaly try to avoid talking about what happened with anyone and some days i get terrible flashbacks its a really difficult thing to live with and no person will truly understand unless they have experienced it. the 4 years of abuse i experienced by one person but i have been raped by a few others one time being extremly serious it is difficult but im learning to cope and if you really care about this girl you will give her time and love and thats all you can do
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 August 2010):
 If she dosen't want to talk.. that's what she wants to do.. now go and find some fun stuff that will make her relax and smile again... smiling and having fun will help her too... Not everybody wants to talk, and as they are the ones who suffer, what they want is the most important thing for you to see to. :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 August 2010):
I know what you mean... I've spent all my life hearing tales of abuse and cruelty...knew that men liked to rape women from the time I could walk...
It's very difficult helping people with such secrets.. I usually give them what I feel they need.. Sometimes I get angry and shout, I pretend to be the champion that never saved them... Sometimes I cry and hold their hand, I pretend to be the little girl who was hurt....Sometimes I get hard and say "the past is the past.. life is too short to be sad.. now lets move on and doing something to make you feel proud"... here I'm trying to move them on in their life when I feel the past has taken too much time from them and has kept them stuck in unhappiness...
First of all I just listen... I make them tell me everything.. every last part.. from whether they enjoyed the abuse in someway, whether the felt that they had encouraged the abuse, whether they are angry with the abuser, themselves or their guardians who didn't stop them from getting hurt... I don't let them keep any secrets, I allow them to say anything they feel or they think, and I make no judgements.... abuse is a complicated thing and is not simple as just victim and abuser... many complicated emotions are also going on...
Just listen at first, and you can ask her what will help her to be happy and grow strong, and then just make sure you do that and never let her down.. When your abused, you loose a lot of trust.. That's why her wishes, her opinion is all that matters, and you may not like some of what she has to say.....
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 August 2010):
You´re giving up already? Hmm, shows to tell how much you really care about this.
Look, if you don't want to put in the effort, fine. But then acknowledge that and don't lie to yourself about it.
You don't have to force her to talk about this. Just tell her (if you care) that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk about it and that you're also there for her if she doesn't want to. That way, you can show her you care enough.
This is not about confidence or trust. Sometimes people protect themselves by burying their experiences very deep. Digging it up again can cause such discomfort, they'd rather not talk about it ever again. This is not about you, but her.
If you truly care for her, you don't walk out of her life just like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is becoming obvious that she is avoiding talking to me about the abuse. She fills her days with chaos. I hardly get to see her now, and I think this is why [she doesn't want to talk].
That means I failed to give her the feeling of safety she needs to confide in me. Maybe that takes years and years of hanging out together?
She is 46 yrs. old. There isn't enough lifetime left to get her to open up. I think I have to stop trying now...
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female
reader, metchemimi20 +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I was sexually abused this time, last year. I still spend majority of my day thinking about the act, and the causes from it. Thats really all my world revolves around now and it hurts terribly.
Especially to know something so horrifically great could come from a few measley minutes. And in my abuser's view, he's living his life like how he did before when he screwed up mines. I don't think like I use to, or act like I used to, socialize like I used to. Im almost like a different person. I try to look at things from a different view to feel like im overpowering this weakness I have, and that makes me feel better. And meditation, im some ways, DO work. Its all in my mind, so I have to take as much time for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I hear the negativity my post created. All the ideas were wrong it seems, but please let me try to explain.
Meditation is not about ignoring anything. It is used in terminal cancer patients, chronic pain people, and abuse victims alike, and it is about looking right at the problem, not ignoring it. Looking at the problem, and then making a choice of how to react to it rather than letting one's raw emotional reaction allways take over.
That is not ME saying that, it is professionals who do this for a living and who have helped many victims.
As for the bit about lying, I really do regret saying that. Thanks for pointing that out, I am learning as I go so thank you.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 August 2010):
I just wanted to say I agree with the insightful post by the anon who was the first to reply.
Some of my own thoughts on this:
Abuse cannot be blocked out or meditated away. And those that lie about sexual abuse...I have yet to meet them. The way you say it implies that the person would rather tell a terrible lie (and make up a story about it that sounds tragically painful enough to be convincing) than have sex. There are so many other (easier) ways to talk yourself out of having sex when you don't feel like it/aren't ready.
I think that if someone has the guts to come clean about such a sensitive topic, the worst thing you could do is wonder if she is lying. If that's the confidence you have in the human race, you should do something about it.
"Reacting to the abuse by living dangerously is fairly common in abused girls."
How so? Which "study" has come to this conclusion and what do they base it on? I have heard that sexually abused girls sometimes try to erase their horrible experience by having a lot of sex, in hopes this can drown out their misery. That said, this doesn't mean many victims do this. It just means that some victims have admitted to this (and I respect them for that).
If you want to support your girlfriend, I suggest you don't look upon it so black and white as you're doing right now. Don't get me wrong, your heart is in the right place but your efforts aren't. Stop generalising and trying to find easy answers to complicated problems. This is one of those things that doesn't just "go away." A scarred soul isn't healed by a bandaid. And the scar will always be there.
And if telling those creeps "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF" would help, we wouldn't have all these traumatised women and girls walking around right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): meditation is the ansaw to sexual abuse? i suppose you suggest that 'happy thinking' is too. sexual abuse is a horrific experience to have to endure it changes people for the rest of their life because it is something that can affect them physically emotionally and mentally. it is something that should never happen but it does.
it effects them being able to have sex , worrying about what is right and wrong, if it is ok to bath their children and so on.
you haven't suffered from it i so don't think for a moment you will ever understand what it is like because you cannot even imagine how must have felt like for the girl you care about.
you can't take it away from her, it is something she will always remember. all you can do is be incredibly supportive and open to listen to what she has to say. do not shut her out even if you don't like what she has to talk about. be patient and understanding let her cry if she feels she needs to.
bad things happen all the time, there is nothing you can do about it. unless you are a doctor or qualified counsellor it is rather arrogant of you to say things like 'turn to meditation' 'detach yourself' . this will help, because you are only encouraging to block this traumatic event out and this could possibly cause longterm side effects did you ever think about that?
you talk about your wife so loosely not wanting to talk about it, because 'she thought you would reject her or something' how must it have felt for your wife i wonder losing control of herself like that, being forced in to it, something touching her unprompted and perhaps she knew it was wrong and this made her feel inhuman, dirty ashamed.that no man would be any different or want her afterwards.
you have to be more accepting and open then you are being, read books about life storys how they coped with it and what they did later on in life.
listen to her, listen to other people, telling your girl to block it out isn't helping you didn't listen to your last girl , telling your new girl to detach herself is almost not listening either.
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