A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI have a problem that I don't know how to overcome. I have little confidence in myself, especially when talking to people. I feel this has got worse in the last 3 years or so. I just can't help noticing people my age around me have so much self confidence and have no problem talking openly and playfully to other people, in front of anyone. I really admire that quality in my peers and really like them. But I can't help feeling that I am an inadiquate human being in comparison. I am sooooo awkward. It's like I am hyper-conscious of everthing I say and how my body is, and I feel so awkward. I'm 25 now so the awkward, self conscious stage should have passed by now, surely? I also feel very down and depressed sometimes. I really, reeeeeally want to change this. I have dreams and hopes that I am afrid to try for. I am worried that I am just not capable because I cannot speak or act appropriatly sometimes. I am so awkward, it's embarassing! Now, I really want to do good, worthwile things in my life. I have almost finished a degree and am so proud of my achievment. I suffered an acute, short term mental illness 6 years ago and somehow I've managed to pick myself up and get to here, despite the feelings of being a failure and a let down to my family for being a weak human being. I know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and I actually want to work in the health field and want to help change the world view of mental illness and marginalised members of society. Yet I have this fear blocking me from doing these things. I want to work as a teacher but part of me doesn't have the self belief and family members have suggested they dont think I'm up for the job. If I can't do this I will still need to be able to converse naturally and comfortably with other people, yet my interpersonal abilities seem to be getting worse. I've done interpersonal development and trained as a Samaritan yet I still feel so socially anxious. Ive tried dance classes and these things help sometimes I feel more comfortable in my own skin, but sometimes it's just so painful being around other people. It's like I'm so scared and awkward its actually painful! Afterwards I feel drained and wiped out. Just from being on show or feeling ashamed of being so awkward and not knowing when to talk or what to say. I feel people like me, but sometimes I get the vibe they think I'm weird and I know that I can have closed body language and when I'm shy I am unapproachable and do not know what to say. I feel so ashamed.... I just wish I could get over this because I want to live my life. I want to do things like run a business, work as a therapist or teacher. I know I would be great at these things, if only I could get over these feeling of social anxiety. Its not just around people too. Sometimes I just feel anxious about life. like what if I can't get a job after Uni, and what if I never manage to do more with my life than work in a shop.I know that my thought process makes me feel worse than I need to. I am human, we all are, and we all feel anxious. It's just that I feel unable to cope or stop these negative thoughts. I can understand why some people would want to take their life. Sometimes it all just seems too much and I am so worthless and pathetic. I feel that my parents think very little of me and this has damaged me, yet I know it is pathetic to think this :( what do I do? I want to enjoy life and be a good person so I can help people. I don't want to be rich, just able to support myself, not feel so anxious all the time and help vulnerable people or improve people's lives in some way. I just can't do this if I am ashamed of being alive! I feel like I shouldn't be around other people, I am toxic, hideous and do not deserve to be here. I don't know why I feel so shitty about myself, when logically I believe everyone is worthy, everyone has the right to respect from other human beings, and I believe no one is any better than anyone else, we are all just on different paths in life. So why do I have these irrational, destructive thoughts and feelings? Sometimes I feel ok, and I have great friends and a lovely boyfriend who I can relate to and be open with. I just don't want to be a burden to them and offload all of my fears and things.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 Blaa. no worries, you're already 1/2 way to freedom from fear.
Why, because you feel so shitty. carelessness is on your side.
Now, do this for a week and get back to us.
Think this often when you feel insecure. Just this one tiny thing.
"No one will give a crap what I say, so I might as well say it"
See if you ask anyone at any given time, what anyone just said, they'll probably say "I don't know"
See, 1/2 the time we're not listening or we've got all the crap in our minds that you do, all peas in the pod babeo.
So go ahead make your day, and you'll find things will get better, much much better.
This is 100% guaranteed to work.. Mark my words, and yours too. One tiny thing saves billions of dollars on shrinks.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (29 April 2011):
 OOOhhhhh No Hunnie! Surely you have heard about the Quarter-Life Crisis? I wish I had when I was 25. It's a rough age. It's about coming to the reality of knowing that you are going to have to survive and stand on your own two feet...
The awkwardness and the the social ineptitude - well - those are things that you struggle with throughout your whole life like most of us out here - and it does get easier as you get older - but you don't exactly grow out of it. The best thing about retirement is no more small talk at office parties!!!!
The good news is that it's a a struggle that most of us feel and face everyday. I think feeling a bit vulnerable is probably a bit more normal than going out into the world an thinking that your every word is infallible.
And it's okay to be a bit vulnerable from time-to-time with the people that you are close to - as long as you don't become a fine whine!
Self reflection is normal and healthy to re-evaluate where you are going and what you are doing - but if you are only using it to shoot yourself in the foot all the time - you're going to be standing in one place and going around in circles. Cut yourself some slack. You sound like a normal person who is just a little insecure in social situations - like all the rest of us.
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