A
male
age
41-50,
*alkman
writes:I've been married to my wife for about three months now and we dated for about a year before hand. The problem is her jealousy is suffocating. She showed signs of being the jealous type while dating but I thought that would go away after I showed my commitment to her through marriage. Things have only gotten worse. On average we have 4-5 small arguments a day that start from her accusing me of checking out a girl or flirting with a girl or even something on TV. In reality I have never given my wife a reason to be jealousy; I've never remotely cheated/flirted with another girl in any sort of fashion, and I constantly reminder her that she is the only girl I want. Some examples of what makes her mad at me are; If I look at someone when they walk by our living room window and it happens to be a girl she gets mad but if its a guy she says nothing, I work at an office where its half male half female and if I some much as talk about the weather with one of the girls she gets mad at me, If we're watching TV and a sexy girl comes on and I don't look away she accuses me of getting turned on by it. These are just a few of numerous examples that happen everyday. The outcome of these fights always goes one of two ways. I tell her, "I was not flirting/checking out anyone please, please, please lets not fight, I love you, I have no intention of cheating on you in any sort of way." She still gets mad and won't talk to me until she is able to calm down her self which takes about an hour. Or I tell her, "This is just your own jealousy and you need to stop constantly accusing me." If I go this route she breaks down and cries and tells me I'm a mean husband.Also, she gets mad at me when she remembers (on her own) any of the girls that I've dated or slept with in the past. I don't not provoke this whatsoever and the only thing I can say is, "That is the past and you are the only girl I want, I love you, I married you." Again this is not good enough and she gets mad at me still. This is especially frustrating for me because I can't change the past. This was the norm before we got married and now its even worse. I feel like just throwing in the towel and annulling my marriage because I could not imagine a lifetime like this. My question is do I sound like I have a justified reason in saying enough is enough, I'm not going to live my life defending myself of things I didn't do, or should I still try to salvage my marriage?
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female
reader, tired82 +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Since I am on the other side of the scope. What I can tell you is that you shouldn't give up on your recent marriage. There are reasons behind her jealousy. I'm sure she loves you deeply and is afraid to lose you. Hence her jealous behavior. Have you noticed that she only gets jealous when you look or talk to pretty woman. If it is a thick and not so pretty girl she doesn't mind. She feels that you will end up falling for a prettier woman than her and you will leave her for that woman you are looking at. All you have to do is reassure her that she is the one you love. Do so by showing her affection in front of those woman she's being jealous of. A simple holding of her hand will do a kiss or hug would be better, but you decide. All we need is reassurance whether it's in private or public it helps. I know that helps me when I'm feeling jealous. It's weird how I can tell you this and not tell my husband.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): You have a serious problem with your relationship. You need to suggest marriage counseling in as gentle a manner as possible. Don't tell her you are suggesting it because of her problem with jealously. Tell her that you and her are having too many arguments and that a marriage counselor might have suggestions how you both can improve on your thoughts and actions and that both of you might benefit from counseling. Make it sound as if you both need to take a good lock at the marriage, with the help of a counselor. You may actually discover that it is something that you are unconsciously doing that sets her off. I used to do things that angered or hurt my wife without realizing it for years and she did the same to me. We never argued like you do with your wife, but our relationship could have been better if we had realized what both of us were doing at the start.
If she agrees then you might be on the road to saving this marriage. If she refuses or accuses you of telling her that there is something wrong with her, then tell her that you are not accusing her at all and that you just want to see what both of you are doing wrong in the relationship. If she continues to refuse counseling and continues acting as she is, then I think that your best choice might be to end the marriage. However, I would give it at least 3 or 4 more months and maybe more if there is some improvement. If there is absolutely no improvement in 3 or 4 months then consider the annulment.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): You know I don't think revenge cheating is the answer nor is throwing in the towel after only 3 months of marriage, come on, the first year is the hardest.
I also have a hard time believing that this is completely due to your wife's jealousy.....it could be possible that you are not relating to her the way she needs, there may be some other communication problem and you may distance yourself from her frequently without even being aware of it leading to an increase in her jealous tendencies.
Or she could be suffering from some form of depression or personality disorder, but only a professional can diagnose that.
Why don't you suggest marital counseling to get a handle on what the deeper issues are.....perhaps you will learn something and she will stop behaving in such a suspicious, jealous way....it is worth trying don't you think? Absolutely don't threaten her with cheating or to leave the marriage unless you intend to end it without hope of salvaging the marriage....this is not fighting fair....and will make matters worse between you.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): It must be hell living like this. A partner who suffers from this degree of jealousy and paranoia must be a nightmare to live with and you have my sympathy.
I've never been in exactly the same situation as you, but if I was, I think I'd be tempted to tell her that if I was going to be accused of cheating or whatever, I might as well go and actually do it then she'd have something to be jealous about.
You might as well be hung for stealing a sheep the same as a lamb, as it were. If you're going to get the grief, you could make it worth your while and get the pleasure too!
I think you ought to tell her that you're thinking of ending your marriage because she's driving you up the wall with her unreasonable jealous behaviour. She'll most probably then accuse you of leaving her for another woman, and if so, I think that would be a good time to get a couple of suitcases down from the top of the wardrobe and start packing them.
I'd love to know how this pans out if you actually follow my advice.
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