A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am directing this question to porn / sex - ex-porn /sex addicts. My husband, although in complete denial is one. I have already going throug hell and back with him when we were dating. He cheated in lied so much and in between there was always the porn and and of course the interactive things such as adult friend finder and even myspace to pick up women. It was incredible to me that between work, me, the other women, the one line women and what appeard to be 1000's and 1000's of down loaded picks and videos on his computer not the mention that he usually has porn in the dvd player in his bedroom at all times, I could not believe how he could find the time. It turned into a very visous circle. When I first began to suspect he would you stroies ment to make me feel guilty so that I would actually be incouraging his behavior. EX. He came to town for work but was staying in a motel until he found a place to live. He always went away on the weekends out of state to see his son. When got a place to stay with two bedrooms, I could not understand why he still had to go out of town to see his son, why couldn't his son come stay with him now. When I questioned this he a first he agreed with me and said starting the folllowing weekend he was going to bring his son to stay with him. I was still not happy only because the upcommig weekend was the only one I had off for an entire month and I felt like all he was doing was comming over my house to sleep with me doing the week yet anytime he had time to do stuff with me he was always going away. When I showed him that I was clearly upset about this, he changed his story. He begain to cry and said that he didn't want for me to know because he though I might think that him and his brothers are all crazy, but this was the annervisery of when his sister was murdered and every year they get together and pray for her all weekend. Given this information, I felt horrible. He really does have a sister that got murdered. I did everything but pack his suitcase for him. I later found out that he had plans to fly an out of state girlfriend in to spend the weekend with him. He already bought the tickes and couldn't back out even if he wanted to. Once he was undeniably busted he again had excuses and even lied about the circumstances of the cheating. I did not know the real story until I talked to her myself. She is the one who ecouraged me to did deeper and I would see who he really is. I found out. Anyway, when the guilt stories not longer worked on me. It turned into a cycle that I could not even break away from. I would leave him for his behavior. Within a few weeks he would be calling me, playing on my sympathy, he always has an excuse for the way he was that was geared to make him look innocent. "it's just because my ex-wife cheated on me and now I am afriad to fall in love", "it is because I was in to war and I have PTWS" I was not that flat out, he would act like he did not even know what was wrong with him and was just know beginging to figure it out, I suppose to give me hope that this was not the way is was and that somehow he was going to get better. I always found a way to believe in this. Then his behavior would as always change, I would become suspcious and since his guilt tactics no longer worked he started with the "you are so insecure", how can you say you love me if you don't trust me (he would even through tears in with that one as if I was the one hurting him so bad). I had learned to look in places that it would have occured to me to look before just to catch him in his lie. When his lie was undeniable thrown in his face, than he started to get mean. Even though he promised to stop doing this to me, he was never wrong for doing it anyway, I was a Pshyco and a dectective for looking. We would break up and within weeks the cycle would start over. I know I have to realize that this is an actual indication that something is wrong with me that I would allow this to happen. But I am getting to my questions and the are actually less about me and more about him. From my stance I was becomming obsessed. I had it and my head, and still do, that he was doing this because the women were better then me. They were pretty, they were more fun perhaps they were even better in bed. These are the things that floated through my mind. I just thought that if I was better, more perfect, this would stop. I became his slave. Yet the harder I tried to please him the worst it got and the angier he got at me for getting upset over the things he did. He insisted that I was crazy and something was wrong with me. I knew I was not wrong, but at the same time I felt that I had to make him "see the light". When I met him he appeard to be a loving, caring, understanding human being. I felt that if I could just get him to understand how bad he was hurting me and why this was wrong he would stop. Again, I know he is a grown man and he knows this is wrong or else he would not feel the need to hide it, yet this was my thought process. In the end he walked away from me. Took a job in a different state and instead of feeling relieved that it was over I just felt this incrediable emptiness. I can't explain it, but since I always held on to the hope that his behavior was going to end and we were somehow going to be ok, it kind of felt like he took all I had to give, made me feel as if I still was not good enough and walked away taking my hopes and dreams with him. I know this sounds crazy, but I am being honest about how I felt, I don't know why I felt this way. Within in months he began to call. I would not answer the phone, but he left messages crying and pleading and begging. He even said that he wanted to marry me in one of the messages, but then again he also wanted to have a baby with me after the first time I cought him cheating. After a few weeks, I picked up the phone. He wanted me to come stay with him and I refused. I told I did not trust him and if he wanted to fix the damaged he caused me he would have to move back to my homeground and find a way to fix it. I was actually shocked when he did. He was willing to do whatever it took. Report to me 24 - 7 if he needed to. I had all the passwords to all his accounts and full access to his phone which was never to be turned off when he was around me. He was not to ever even go near a computer again unless I was present. He acted like these were all small sacrifices and agreed to them no questions asked. When he stuck to them for over a month and was even understanding when I was still suspious of him anyway. I finally started to believe that he had changed. The next month he was offered another job out of state. This time he came to me first and we made the decision together that this was a good job for him and a fresh start for us. It was great at first. Then I found a pron pic on his phone. He tried to make excuses, but I did not want to hear it. He said he was sorry, but by the next day he was mad at me for not just letting it go. I was outraged at how, after what he put me through and the promises he made, he could act as if this should be not big deal to me. This eventually blew over, but then within a month I found on the computer that he had been back on porn web sites. Again, I was outraged, but this time he did not even feel the need to say he was sorry and actually tried to defend his porn activity. From there it got progressely worst. I never really cought him on the porn sites again, but he works ot every day and I have my suspcions that he is accessing the porn form work. This has been going on for two years. I am no longer aloud to ask questions, if I do there will be a fight because I am crazy and he feels he has proven himself to me therefore, I am again the one hurting him by not trusting him. If I try to talk to him at all he will become blatenlly disrecspectfull towards me. His whole entire deminor has changed. We had a fight last week because he said his friend from out of state had a Facebook account with his sons pictures on it. He wanted to open an account so that he could view his friends pics. I did not say anything at first and did take into consideration that he was talking to me about this rather then just doing it. After thinking it over, I told him that I was not crazy about the idea because it is too much like myspace. He flipped out on me. He side that I am so dirty and negitive. I think that everything is about sex. I then suggested that we open a facebook account together and he said that he no longer wanted it, that I had insulted him. I of course questioned him on why he wanted this so bad that he was willing to fight with me over it, but when I come up with a fair comprimse that involves me then he don't want it at all. I asked him how he could expect me not to think his motives were other then what he said. This was a week and he has not spoken a word to me since. If I try to talk to him he will just tell me to f-off and leave him the f alone. He has nothing to say to me. Last night I tried to at least find out what we are going to do. We clearly can not live like this. I made it clear to him that I understand he thinks I am wrong and that will not change therefore how are we going to correct this. Does he want a divorce? Does he want to move out? Does he want for me to move out? His only response was do what you want and stop f-ing talking to me. Even if he wants to deny everyting until the day he dies, I can not understand why, if he is going to act like he hates me so bad, then why would he not want the make some kind of plans to end this so that he can freely do what he wants without question? I know that it should not matter and I should do what I have to do to get out of here if for no other reason, just because he is treating me so badly. I know this, what I need to know is what is going through his head right now? Does he really want me gone? Does he really think he is right and I deserve to be treated this way because he thinks after he let me down a million times, I owe him my unconditional trust? I do know why it is so important to me, but I want these answers from his prespective, directly from somebody who has stood in his shoes. Can anybody help me?
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cheated on me, divorce, ex-wife, facebook, insecure, my ex, myspace, player, porn, sex addict Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I may not make sense to a lot of people, but if I have to face the fact that he will not change because his addictions have a stronger pull on him than I do. It is not easy, but I know what I have to do. Right now I am the enemy and the more I try to change that the more of an enemy I will become to him, now I understand why. I had to know that deep down inside he knows that I am not the enemy. The only thing I can beleive 100% right now is my love for him, no matter how mad and defensive he is, I needed to know that he knows. And I needed to know this from somebody that has walked in his shoes. Thank You.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): As someone who was formerly addicted to internet porn, maybe I can offer some advice. It is a strong compulsion like any other and a very difficult habit to break, especially when it is so readily available at the click of a mouse. It's no different from being a compulsive gambler, a drug addict, or a binge drinker. Like so many others, I was in denial about it for years and it cost me relationships.
I too promised to quit numerous times when confronted with it. Often I even intended to quit but would find myself back on the computer within a few days. In the end, it's easier to defend your habit rather than make the effort to break it. The images and videos were so arousing to me, it eventually began to replace my sex life. Finally it dawned on me that I had fallen to a point where I preferred masturbation and pornography to real sex and I sought professional help.
Until I made the decision to change, I was sneaky and manipulative.....and sometimes hateful in defense of my actions. Your husband sounds much the same. In his case, he might also be a sex addict. My advice would be to cut ties with him. He is not ready to change yet and may not be in the forseeable future. He will manipulate you to continue his activities. At times, he may even believe what he is saying but will be unable to stop.
It sounds like he was successful for only a month before falling back into his old patterns. When he is away from you, he probably does genuinely miss you, hence the crying and begging, but his addictions are more important to him in the end, as they are to all addicts. Clearly this relationship is unhealthy. He will not change until he is 100% ready to and, even then, he may need help to deal with his compulsions. You are exhausting yourself to save a marriage that does not appear salvageable at this point.
Do not trust him and do not give him another chance. Don't let it consume you longer than it already has. In his mind, he probably does not want to cut ties with you but he is clearly weary of defending his actions and has shut down to you. The smart money says move on and start a life with someone else. You've fought the good fight long enough.
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A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (30 January 2009):
Every man chooses his lifestyle, his likes, and his dislikes. I think a lot of this is genetic - his father and grandfather may have had similar behavior. I can relate a little to his life, because I have always felt the same way about women (and pornography). Is it an addiction? Yes, in terms of being a physical want or desire that I cannot control. I could make love to my wife until I was totally exhausted - and still want to be with, see, desire another woman. Is it an addiction that he is likely to loose? No. To his eyes he sees you as a constant nag about something that is none of your business. The sweet, meek woman that he married has turned into a house policewoman! Does he want a divorce? He probably hasn't given it much thought. To him, you are kind of a pain right now, but someone who has some benefits - like shopping, and cleaning, etc.Looking through his eyes, you are being a typical, dreamy-eyed wife that wants the perfect husband. You want someone who is loving, tender.. someone who will put you at the center of his universe. "It ain't him, babe".You will get sick of it and finally demand a divorce - which means he will move out, but you will do all the work about filing for a divorce. He will come back, or call, from time to time, trying to maneuver his way into a replay of the "good-ole days". Actually, ex-wives are fun to have sex with because they know what you like. It takes time to get really good sex from a new girlfriend. So he will be back if you let him. I suggest you take him in for the evening - it will be the best sex you can get until you find a new candidate for a husband. (That's how he thinks).Its all a very predictable pattern that many husband and wives seem to follow. Your not the first wife in this situation, and won't be the last.One word of caution for you. After you break up, make an diligent effort to find a new life. Right now you are 100% absorbed with this problem. Many women would have kicked him out a long time ago and never look back.You could be hung up on this experience for a long time. Cry forever, try internet dating with men that you will hate, bend the ear of your friends until you are a total bore, go to therapists for years, etc. Try to make some real changes in your life and don't get compulsive about trying to "get over" the first husband - force yourself into new adventures and new activities (like snowboarding, not dance classes!). If you are not careful, this experience could consume your life for another 10 years. Don't let this happen.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 This is not going to be a nice comment.
Read your own post. Really READ it. As if someone else had posted it. What do you think of this person who wrote this. What kind of person is she to you.
You got a guy who from the started treated you like crap, yet even after realising this, you married him. Then he puts you through more shit and now, when you summed it all up you end with asking "what is he thinking".
Do you REALLY think that is the question you should be asking?
No. What you should be asking yourself is "WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING". Let me put as blunt as I can, if someone is coming after you with an axe the question is NOT "I wonder what he is thinking" but "Can I run faster then him".
This guy is bad news and who cares why. You are not his shrink. Who cares if he wants a divorce, you should be wanting one. Don't examine his head, examine your own.
Come on, you are not stupid. You realise he is bad for you but you are still hung up on the idea that you can somehow "cure" him. Make him see the light as you put it. It is a common problem, women LOVE the "Boyfriend Project". Men think they can fix houses, women think they can fix men. Many a male has ended up in casualty because of this, what do you think happens to the women whose DIY skills aren't as great as they think?
As long as you keep wanting to know what is inside his head, you are in his trap.
"Does he really think he is right and I deserve to be treated this way"
Almost, but replace the word "deserve" with "accept" or maybe "expect". He treated you a certain way and it resulted in your marrying him and putting up with his crap for years and even now you still can't just dump him like the garbage he is. The reason this is so important is that you still think that if only you can find the reason, you can fix him.
Maybe that makes you a warm feeling caring person who doesn't give up on others. To me it spells "doormat" but what do I know.
There is however someone who can help you. You and only you.
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