A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know there are many posts here with variations on this theme, but I'm just desperately searching for some insight and haven't yet found a situation similar enough to mine to bring me any comfort.I'm in a 3+ year relationship with a guy that I am absolutely crazy about who is wonderful to me and with whom I have almost everything in common. We lived together until very recently, we spend a ton of time together and very rarely have disagreements of any kind. We make each other laugh constantly and we have a very active and exciting life together. It is better than most relationships out there that I've seen, yet I have tried to end it several times.... always for the same reason. Even though we have always had a really good sex life, and my sex drive is higher than that of most women (I have literally NEVER turned him down for sex or oral sex) I have discovered him on numerous occasions masturbating to porn or to pictures of other women. Despite all that I've read about it being normal and all guys doing it, I can't stop myself from feeling betrayed, like it's a form of cheating (mentally, visually) and it is causing me a huge amount of pain. I know men and women are different, but the thought of him having an orgasm while looking at other women just breaks my heart. It makes me feel like he wants something else, that I don't satisfy him, that our love doesn't mean enough to him. I haven't been able to find a way to feel differently about it.After realizing how negatively I react to it and realizing that if he has the desire to do it I can't and shouldn't try to stop him, I thought my only option must be to end the relationship, because love isn't supposed to hurt. I've broken up with him in the past over this, but we could never force ourselves to actually go through with the breakup, and he would offer up that if it hurts me, he just won't do it. He hasn't ever been able to stick to that, though. The last time was the closest we've ever come to actually saying goodbye for good. We fought about this, again, and realizing he could promise not to do it but couldn't KEEP the promise, he finally said, "It is what it is, take it or leave it." I moved out and was about to leave town when I had a panic attack and realized everything I'd be losing...for what? To meet the next guy who's probably not going to compare to him who ALSO has a porn habit? It's everywhere, I guess I just never really realized before, and ignorance is bliss. So we got back together and everything else has been great, only now we don't live together and he has all the freedom in the world to go at it all he wants. He's very happy, but I'm still suffering with the same demons, now to an even greater degree since I'm sure he's increased the frequency probably tenfold, and now I know that when it came down to it, he chose masturbating to porn over me.In what I've read, people always ask if it's affecting the sex life. Over time our great sex life has slowed down a bit, and since he's 5 years older than me (43 to my 38) I don't always want to initiate sex every time I want it, not wanting to overdo it or wear it out and realizing that our drives may be a little different. But often, I'll have wanted it but thought he didn't because he didn't give any indication, only to find out when I got out of bed to go shower he got on the computer and watched porn or Googled images of hot chicks to get off to. It seems like EVERY time he has the opportunity (ie: I'm not around) to masturbate to porn, he takes it, but no longer takes every opportunity to have real sex with me. Another example is hotels. I am quite sure that every time he's in a hotel room alone he will surf porn and masturbate, but when we're in a hotel together we might have sex about half the time.I can't bear the thought of losing this relationship, but I really do spend way more time feeling hurt than I feel is healthy. To consider giving up the three-million-eighty-three things that are amazing about this man because of the one thing that hurts me seems crazy (especially since I know I won't likely find someone I connect with as much who DOESN'T use porn) I've tried to put it out of my mind, but it is always there.I've read posts from women who have felt this way themselves who have somehow "recovered" from it, and I guess that's what I'm looking for. Maybe someone can share a perspective with me that will help me change the way I feel about the whole thing. Or, even better, if someone can give me some pointers on how to captivate my man so much that he won't have the DESIRE to look elsewhere any more.... that would be the best thing ever!!!Thanks for reading (if anyone makes it this far!) and sorry sooooo long!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Here these are some links that show you how people have been able to get their head around the pornography problem, and one from a guy that tries to explain how guys think about a woman's body...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/girls-what-if-you-dont-have-the-perfect.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/porn-no-longer-scares-me.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husbands-porn-watching-has-put-me-in.html
To tell the truth, the pornography problem can go away all by itself.. Most pornography repeats itself and gets boring, so most people stop watching it so much after a while. The more you make it important in your life, the more it stands out. Your partner may be under stress and that's why he's doing it at this time. As you say, you don't live together, you assume he's looking at it, for all you know he may have got bored of it and your worrying yourself about nothing at all... Good luck, I hope these links might help. Otherwise, check out, http://www.throughtheflame.org/ where there are suggestions about how you can support him if he wants to give up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): I'm from the UK, and in Europe our attitude to nudity, pornography and sexuality is very different. It seems to be common for many people to think that this is unnatural and suggest the male partner get counselling for his addiction. Whereas in my world, I was brought up to understand that this is something that men do. If your partner agrees to counselling, manages to give pornography up for at least a year, I'd be very interested if you could come back and update us about how he managed it.
If you look at little boys, you will notice that they love touching their penis and masturbating. When they become teenagers that start looking at girls, and if they can get it they start looking at pornography. When I was young and there was no Internet, boys would be watching anthropology and nature programs just to see traditional women with no clothes on, or would try to peep into the girls shower room, or anything else to get a peep of flesh. To me this is normal, they have high testerone, and it seems that in male animals do the same thing. Statements have been made that 100% of women hate it, but again this is wrong. In Europe and in the UK, many women use pornography on their own or as part of a relationship.
It really is a question about how you view love, relationships, intimacy, control and sex. Dose your partner have a right to have his own interests and desires, or must everything be centred on what you can do together? Pornography and masturbation is a very private thing. It's the same as sexual fantasy that stays within your brain. On Dear Cupid with have men that like to piss on their partner's, have their anus played with, imagine threesomes, like black girls, fat girls, white girls... etc.. In porn he can get it all, without embarrassing himself by having to explain it to you.
Sit down and have an honest question with him about sex, sexual fantasies and sexual desires. See if you can compensate by replacing what he sees, with things you can do. Women in porn do lots of things that most women refuse to do, would you feel comfortable doing that? They are always dressed or undressed beautifully, same have breast surgery, they always look good, and that is what your trying to compete with, a barbie doll...
For me it's not worth the effort to spend all day pleasing a guy by turning myself into a fantasy doll. But this might work for you and might be worth a try. Otherwise, my advice is if you don't like it, then ask him not to do it around you. Realise your not in the movies, and accept yourself for the way you are. Improve your sex life and your relationship by making romance the main thing. He has his hobbies, you should have yours. Many women find that if they make their own sex video's and pictures with their partners the men prefer them.
I don't know what advice to give to make you feel more secure in your relationship. But those women are women to him, they are more like barbie dolls, doing things that he would hate to do in real life. If you remove the pornography, then he will still masturbate. Love making takes a long time and you have to be considerate to your partner, whereas masturbation is a five minute bit of sex relief... If you could provide him with that, then masturbation may not be important at all, but most women can't do that, they want the man to make sure they are pleased as well..
Why don't you both sit down and see discuss what benefits pornography can bring into your life, and what problems it causes. There must be something good about pornography, some pleasure because many people like it. An honest open discussion like this might help you both meet each other half way...
As I always say, I don't know how to make a man stop, and I don't know how to make a woman except it, when she's totally against it. It's a question of love, if you love him and he loves you, you should be able to reach a fair compromise.
PS: There's one other thing I've noticed, women like romantic films, which have a handsome men and lovemaking. Why doesn't movies bother people, but pornography dose, sometimes it's actually hard to see the difference.... Stay strong, it's just some pictures and some video's, but if he won't give up and you can't stand it, you'll have to find somebody else to love who doesn't like pornography so much..
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): I have only just joined this website - for the same reasons that are in your question. I'm afraid I can offer no help or suggestion , for I too are in the same predicament. Reading you story was like reading my own life -except you have some years in the relationship on me - and I got frightened that I will be in your situation in years to come - still affected by this disgusting demoralising habit. I can only sympathise with you. I really feel for you.
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A
female
reader, minnie73  +, writes (6 December 2008):
 ive been through a similar situation of being constantly hurt and felt compared to... but i wouldnt leave my boyfriend over it since he was perfect in every other way.
hes some advice on how i tackled it:
realise that you nor any other woman will ever be 100% ok with their boyfriend looking at other woman, just try to stop the hurt that you are feeling.
i spoke to my boyfriend and was honest about how i felt, and he agreed to not let it affect our sex life, and he explained (as best a male can) that porn and sex are 2 completely different things. he isn't watching these women and comparing them to you. once i looked at porn myself i realised that it didnt make me compare them to my boyfriend. i can assure you that men view different women all the time and only want them for perhaps a half hour out of a day..whereas your man wants YOU for the longterm. he wouldnt want a porno girl for his girlfriend with her fake boobs, fake tan and bleached hair. he wouldnt be sitting there gazing into her eyes wishing that was a reality. its just a temporary fix that shouldnt reflect on you in any way. The girls in pornos are fantasy in that . Its their jobs to be sluts and aid in pleasing a man for a short amount of time, thats all. If he wanted a pornstar in real life (which he doesnt), he'd go get one but instead he's with you. have a little faith that reality is so much better, its just what men do on the side and is competely different to his feelings for you.
communication and trust are the underlying things you can do to change how you feel, and to make him aware of your hurt. if you can talk to him about it - start to trust that hes able to view porn and still come home to you every night. these women shouldnt make you feel this way, so please just try and see it as something men do, but nothing you should lose any sleep over.
hope that has helped.
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A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (6 December 2008):
ive been through a similar situation of being constantly hurt and felt compared to... but i wouldnt leave my boyfriend over it since he was perfect in every other way.
hes some advice on how i tackled it:
realise that you nor any other woman will ever be 100% ok with their boyfriend looking at other woman, just try to stop the hurt that you are feeling.
i spoke to my boyfriend and was honest about how i felt, and he agreed to not let it affect our sex life, and he explained (as best a male can) that porn and sex are 2 completely different things. he isn't watching these women and comparing them to you. once i looked at porn myself i realised that it didnt make me compare them to my boyfriend. i can assure you that men view different women all the time and only want them for perhaps a half hour out of a day..whereas your man wants YOU for the longterm. he wouldnt want a porno girl for his girlfriend with her fake boobs, fake tan and bleached hair. he wouldnt be sitting there gazing into her eyes wishing that was a reality. its just a temporary fix that shouldnt reflect on you in any way. The girls in pornos are fantasy in that . Its their jobs to be sluts and aid in pleasing a man for a short amount of time, thats all. If he wanted a pornstar in real life (which he doesnt), he'd go get one but instead he's with you. have a little faith that reality is so much better, its just what men do on the side and is competely different to his feelings for you.
communication and trust are the underlying things you can do to change how you feel, and to make him aware of your hurt. if you can talk to him about it - start to trust that hes able to view porn and still come home to you every night. these women shouldnt make you feel this way, so please just try and see it as something men do, but nothing you should lose any sleep over.
hope that has helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to those of you who have taken the time to read my story and respond. This is really my first experience with message boards, and it's a comfort just to be "heard" and know that there are people out there who can understand and relate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): Hello there. I understand your pain. Me being a very insecure girl (baggage from high school), I can see how your man watching porn and masturbating can be hurtful. It confuses us how they can watch all that stuff and then still be attracted to us. They are, that's all that matters.
"I moved out and was about to leave town when I had a panic attack and realized everything I'd be losing...for what? To meet the next guy who's probably not going to compare to him who ALSO has a porn habit?"
This is extremely important - you know what YOU want, and you know that this one thing could mean losing the love of your life. I've realized this too, that there are certain things that I have to accept about my boyfriend, or I may end up losing him over a couple of things. I put it in this perspective: What's worse? Being hurt for a moment while I think about the couple of things about him that bother me, or be miserable over losing the man of my dreams? Obviously, losing him is worse, at least to me. I'm not perfect, and neither is he. I bet there are things about me that bother him, but he looks past it to keep me. When you know there's true love, we have to make sacrifices.
How to get over this feeling of betrayal? Honestly, I don't know. I don't really feel betrayed when he watches porn. I just feel inadequate, which I know is MY issue. I'd never watch porn with him, nor do I watch porn, but I'm not anti porn. I do believe that it has to be consumed in moderation, like everything else. But I'm not against it.
Somehow, to most men this is really meaningless. Why? I have no idea, but it just is. Just look at how they react when you bring up a concern about porn. They are like "What? Does it really BOTHER you? But how?!". Just like they will never, ever understand why we love a sappy chick flick. Not even I understand why I love a good old sappy chick flick full of clichés. I just do. I don't know why, it's just fun. I'd never like to have a corny relationship like those and certainly I don't fantasize about the male leads. I just watch chick flicks because they are fun. And they are meaningless.
I know porn is slightly different because it usually involves masturbation. But, it's a release. It's a mistery to me, why men indulge so much. But still. The point is that not even guys understand why they like porn so much.
Well, on a side note, I wouldn't really say he's addicted to porn just yet. And addiction is much more extreme I think. Look it up in Google if you want to make sure, there's plenty of info about that.
Also... about the desire for you and attraction, talk to him. Don't mention the porn, just tell him you're worried that he doesn't seem very interested lately and if there is something that you could do about it. Be non-judgemental and non-confrontational. It's hard when it's about a sensitive topic for you to keep cool, but please try. Cliché as it may be, the key here is communication. And no, I didn't get that one from a chick flick...
Good luck, feel better soon!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): hi........this really is an issue where the distinct difference between the sexes becomes apparent..... i am a man and pretty much every man i know has, at some stage watched or viewed porn regularly... myself included.The reason why? - it is purely a sexual release, porn gives a man the opportunity to imagine or visualise himself doing things and going further with a 'virtual' person than he ever would with his partner........but why cant he achieve those fantasies with you?....probably because he doesnt want to - a man wants his partner to be his lover but also his best friend and although many of his fantasies may get him aroused whilst watching/reading porn.... in everyday life you fulfill his every need - men tend to 'dispose' of their fantasies through porn........it sounds like you are very well suited otherwise - soulmates perhaps?....that is a very precious thing to let go.....try a counsellor before you make that step x
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reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (5 December 2008):
All the positives cannot take away that one negative. I feel your pain, b/c porn has negatively, very negatively, affected my relationship with my fiance as well. We are still trying to work through that as well as other related issues (inappropriately looking at other women, flirting, etc.).If a man claims he will stop for you and then finds out he really can't, then he has an addiction to it, as FatherlyAdvice has mentioned. I appreciate that as a man, he recognizes that sexual addiction to porn is a reality, and certainly an issue for many men (though not all).My fiance was not frequently viewing porn that I could tell, but it was b/c he was doing it in secret and compulsively masturbating, besides at times faking orgasm, only to run to the bathroom to finish up in private, and never being able to look at me during sex. Yes, it was just sex to me at those times, not lovemaking by any stretch of the imagination. It was animal sex, with no emotional connection whatsoever. By not being able to look at me, I had become an object to him. Porn unfortunately objectifies women.If you look for the signs with your eyes open, you may start to realize that his porn viewing habits have had a domino effect in other areas of your relationship as well. We women tend to go into denial over things, putting on blinders. This may or may not be the case - only you will be able to tell.My fiance too has been very good to me as far as providing for my son and I, gifts, taking me out to do things I like (dinners, movies, concerts, whatever). He spoils me in that respect. But those things are all material, I don't expect them (not to say I don't enjoy them), and I would give them up in a heartbeat for true emotional intimacy in its place. I believe porn has something to do with the lack of emotional intimacy, though it is not the only cause, but rather one of many factors (some relating back to childhood).The fact that you realized your bf was choosing masturbating to porn over you is a big red flag. If porn must be part of a relationship, then it should be in the background, not at the forefront, unless both partners desire it to be. When it starts to get in the way, either b/c it becomes the preference, one partner starts having trouble reaching orgasm b/c of it, it is done in secret, etc., then it has become a problem. And it is certainly a problem when it causes that much hurt, such as you have expressed. I have felt that same tremendous hurt that almost always seems to be there now, even if only on the inside.Some women can accept porn in their relationship - that is fine for them. Other women, such as you and I, cannot accept the porn.If it causes you emotional pain, and it does, then he needs to stop. If he won't, or can't, and you cannot accept this, then I think you might be wise to move on. Unless he agrees to get help, and becomes accountable to you, so you can help him get past this.My fiance was diagnosed as being a sex addict by a therapist. Not being a therapist, but reading what you've stated, I would bet your bf is a sex addict as well. If he is unwilling to get help for this, it will forever be a thorn in the side of your relationship. It will forever get in the way. That's just the way it is.I don't think you should compromise your feelings or your values just b/c he seems too good to be true in every other area of the relationship. Myself, I'd rather be alone than be with someone who hurts me. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be in a relationship that makes me feel bad about myself.If my fiance were not trying to change, and if he were not understanding of my feelings on the porn and everything else, then I would have told him to hit the road. B/c we are trying to work on these issues together, there is hope. But, it is still always there, and it is difficult some days to ignore it. It has done its damage and then some. That being said, I have seen improvement in the emotional intimacy department, though we still have an awful long way to go. And he has stopped looking at it as far as I can tell, though God only knows what goes on during the workday.I don't believe there is any way to make oneself so desirable that a man would never ever even want to look at someone else. I think it is more getting ourselves to a place inside our own heads where we feel good about ourselves, we value ourselves, we feel our partners do desire us, we remind ourselves that our partners are with us, not someone else. Porn, and our partner's behavior at times, however, has the power to undermine all this.If you do decide to get rid of him for good, you may find that you feel empowered after doing so. I hope so, for your sake, if you do decide you've had enough.It may take time, but if you can continue to be yourself, you will find that there is someone else out there that you will be able to "connect" with. Remember, there are many fish in the sea...good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): I agree with "Fatherly Advice" He has an addiction and it won't change unless he gets help. There is nothing you can do about it. If you are feeling hurt by it then not being in a relationship with him is probably the best thing for you. If he is willing to lose having a relationship with you due to his porn addiction then he isn't worth staying in a relationship with. I know it's always hard and a little scary to leave a relationship but it's better than living with feeling hurt everyday you stay.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 December 2008):
 We seem to have this idea that because something is common it is good. I hear the same thing from alcoholics and marijuana addicts. Pornography is addictive to most men and many women. Your guy is suffering from a physical addiction. It is as hard to quit as smoking. It is not your fault and it has nothing to do with his attraction to you. It has more to do with the easy and ready availability of huge amounts of porn on the internet. Sorry that I really haven't answered the question in the way that you wanted. My Feeling is that the best course for you is to get him into an addiction recovery program. They are almost all based on the AA 12 step program. He will need support and incentive to beat this. It can be done. I don't think that learning to suppress your natural reactions to this is going to be healthy.FA
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