A
female
age
41-50,
*tmama76
writes:Help!Okay I need some advice, firstly about eye contact, my hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years we've always had a hard trying relationship, but rock on banging good sex life, but I've changed.We've had A LOT of fighting over the years and we both spew vile crap when cranky, but I don't know what's changed, but I can't look him in the eyes anymore during sex or foreplay, it's all lights off, lol. Now I used to be able to, but I have a feeling like looking at him will bare my soul and I can't do that, it's just too vulnerable, I can't let myself go like that anymore. Please help me! Wtf is going on?Also sideline question, I gave my partner oral as foreplay the other night, later on he said that was great, see and we all get what we want! It's hurt me, does he think I just want his dick? The cocky bastardisation! Why would he think that?I didn't know what to say?!? But it keeps playing on my mind
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): You fight a lot and the only common ground you have is sex.
You carry grudges around buried deep inside, and you can't look him in the eye; because you've said so many nasty things to each other. Now you're using sex as a weapon.
Hellooooo!!!! You're supposed to feel vulnerable to each other during sex. You're making love, not war. You set aside your differences and express your affection for each other.
Apparently there isn't any. You're always on the defensive, and carrying a chip on your shoulder. Spoiling for a fight, and just looking for one more reason to go at it.
Words cut deep. They have more of a profound effect on us than sometimes we want to admit. Arguments will happen and they are unavoidable. There are productive-arguments that allow us to vent, air our differences, make a point, and to inform our partners how our relationships are heading in the wrong direction. We are exposing our feelings in order to correct a disagreement.
Then there are unproductive-arguments filled with anger, venom, and the intent or objective is just to inflict pain and demean your partner. So when you do have sex; if you look him in the eye, you will recall all the foul venomous things you said to him, and what he said to you. What you say in anger, you can't take back. It resonates deep in your memory, and even when you're not fighting, the hurt is still there. It used to be passion, now it's just another toxic event in your relationship.
You only know how to connect on a sexual level, and that may be what your marriage was founded on from the start.
Lust over love. That is pretty much the point your husband made when he said all you really seem to care about is his penis, and according to everything else you've told him; you can't stand him otherwise. Now you see the power of words and the damage it can inflict. Why be so sensitive all of a sudden?
Time to go to marriage-counseling and see someone who specializes in moderating and communication. You need someone to referee and supervise your communication and exchanges. So you can cut to the chase, and get to the real problems; and not just go for each others throats to see how much you can rip your opponent apart. You are husband and wife. You're on the same team. You both harbor too much anger and never resolve your problems. You are a battle of wills, and both seeking dominance over the other. You're not supposed to be on opposing sides in a battle.
Bottom-line, you're incompatible and wrong for each other on all fronts. It seems you're just addicted to each other sexually, but can't stand each other outside the bedroom.
Now the hostility is creeping into your sex-life, the one place you two seem to get along.
Your marriage is in critical condition. It needs work, or you need to end it. Neither of you know how to treat each other, nor how to communicate. Sorry, that's not love.
There are therapist who teach you how to argue without fighting. Find a therapist with many skills. Careful, some are just scam-artists who will sit and take your money, and pretend to be a professional. If you hear a lot of weird jargon or silly-talk; and they don't seem to have a clue,
move on. Don't waste time or money. Check-out their credentials and the services they provide. People used to call what you have a love-hate relationship. It's really two people not right for each other, and scared to let go.
Get some help before you two destroy each other.
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