A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years. It has not been a smooth ride - I cheated on him 6 months into the relationship but he decided he wanted to stay together and work through it. We currently live together, but for a long time now (nearly a year) my feelings for him have slowly been fading and now I am at a point where I feel very little at all. I of course care about him and dont want to see him hurt, but beyond that not much else. We have a wonderful life - great friends, gorgeous apartment, lots of lovely social events, holidays...you name it, we have it all on the surface. But this has become our biggest problem - we have never stopped to focus on 'us', and instead we have just enjoyed all these superficial things.Now I am not great at expressing my feelings, and finally it all came out on Sunday and I told him I wanted to end the relationship because it is unfair to stay with him when I dont feel anything anymore. I dont feel we are compatible, and I definitely dont see a future together. In the past marriage and buying a house together has come up, and honestly it makes me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach, I dont think I'm afraid of comittment - simply comitting to him is the problem because deep down I know it isnt right. So here we are, now onto Tuesday and we still have not really broken up. He was rightly upset that I had sprung this on him out of nowhere and he wants to talk about things, and give it a trial period where we see what happens. I am struggling with this idea, I feel like there is very little left on my part and I dont believe it will come back, but he wants to make sure we have tried everything to make the feelings come back. I dont think I can stay in limbo like this, not knowing if we are together or apart, whether we need to start to look for alternative housing and make arrangements on that side, how long this 'trial' will last, and most of all - I am concerned that if we keep on with this trial that I will fall back into this comfortable, happy life that we have together and stop thinking about actually being in love and really feeling something for the partner you are with. We have an incredibly happy life and I often think it would be far easier just to stay with him - I would not be unhappy to spend the rest of my life with him. But I know it is wrong to waste his time and mine if I dont feel the same for him. He loves me very much, even so much so that he has saved up the money for an engagement ring and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I wish I could feel the same, it kills me to see him hurting and I desperately want to feel something for him, but no matter what he does I cant feel a thing. So here we are, he wants to keep working on it but my fear is we will fall back into the same old routine and nothing will change, I am worried that it is too late and my feelings for him will never come back, and equally I am worried I have not tried hard enough and maybe he is right that we should put more effort in and see how it goes. What should I do? Follow my instincts, which are screaming at me right now telling me that this relationship has run its course and there is nothing left? Or do what he says, and work at it some more? Would that just be delaying the pain? We have already been a mess these last couple of days and I dont think either of us can carry on like this for much longer. Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, lil212 +, writes (12 July 2011):
Please listen to your gut instincts, they are the only thing we have sometimes to go on and deep down I think you know what is the right thing to do. Yes you could stay with him to make him happy but wouldn't this crop up again weeks/months/years down the line and be even harder then? Do you not think you deserve to be happy? If it carries on you may end up having affairs If you do not feel that way for him. You can have a happy life AND also be truly in love with someone. Think about where you want to be in years to come, yes a little heartache now but at least it will give you the chance to both find someone you really want to be with with. Good luck in whatever you do, but remember we are only here once, sometimes put yourself first!
A
male
reader, eek +, writes (12 July 2011):
 you cheated on him in the past and later now are springing this on him. Make your decision and stick to it. He deserves better. He deserves to give his love to someone that will love him in return.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 I think you should go ahead and end it. You have little feelings for him and both of you are going to get nowhere when it comes to love if you two stay together. You both deserve someone who you really love and really loves you. Be with someone who you know you won't get tired of. You both deserve better so leave him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (12 July 2011):
 As you say, its not fair to be with him when the thought makes you sick in your stomach. Its very sad that when a relationship ends, one partner especially will be torn apart BUT you have to do what is best for him and for you. If you are going to leave, then best make the decision and stick to it. Don't keep in this gray area too long as it only prolongs the pain for him.
If you are really hurting and sure this is not for you then leave and leave now. Good luck xx
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