A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been married for over 15 years. For the most part it has been a good relationship.I've always been an easy going guy and not a lot rattles me, but over the course of the years I've really felt like I've taken it on the chin so to speak. It has started to come out as anger, bitterness and resentment.1) My wife and I have sex maybe once or twice a year and to be honest the few times we do it isn't "good". Many years ago she physically couldn't have sex anymore (despite doctor visits) and it is painful to her, so I try to avoid it. She helps me "get off" in certain ways once in a while but has encouraged me to use porn and even at one point suggested I find someone else on the side (I think out of frustration). Early in the marriage she withheld sex because I didn't get a promotion at work (which went on for about a year or two, until I did get the promotion). Seems like a few years after marriage she lost all interest (she is significantly older than me)2) Her children (she has two) are in their early 20's now and to be honest I don't think they like me. Unfortunately, I am the one ponying up for their college education, horses, traffic tickets, phone bills, and insurance. Her ex has paid next to nothing. Thousands of dollars a month goes to support them. My wife understands my frustrations but is unable to stop the money flow... (currently she isn't working). Her kid has stolen money from me as well...I think about splitting up constantly. I recently had an opportunity for about 2 months to live on my own and to be honest, I loved it.I feel like I am getting older and my "time" is running out. She is a good wife in many ways and I don't hate her. She is a good companion, but in other ways I feel cheated, especially in the sex department. I could be looking at retiring in the next 10 years if I didn't have to shell out thousands each much for her spoiled kids. I think the marriage has survived mostly because I make great money and I don't argue or fight (ever).I've thought about going to counseling on my own (I don't see the point in involving her as she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge there is a problem when I've brought it up in the past). Sometimes I get depressed and I find myself doing dumb things (not suicidal, but just dumb) - like taking off my wedding ring in hopes of meeting people.Hopefully someone has some suggestions... I feel like this problem has been brewing for years...
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at work, depressed, her ex, money, porn, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 August 2013):
 Since my situation is almost the same...I have no good answers or suggestions. It seems to be a common thing though. Age is a terrible thing..it steals the sex and shortens the time of happy,happy,happy.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 I've been there. You have one life. You are not responsible for anyone else. While you can carry your wife for some of the way it is up to her to survive under these circumstances. Counseling is not the answer although it may help. There are a lot of people who are looking for the money person. You are the money person. Is that what you want to be? Even if you are appreciated for providing the money it is not a grand purpose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): I don't normally like to give advice to those who are significantly older than myself, but it has been requested to express my opinion.
It has been a constant battle my between my mother and stepfather on supporting my half brother financially. He is 26, no college education, and has a part-time minimum wage job. He repeats the pattern of moving out of their home and moving back in over and over, usually every 6 months. My own stepfather pays for him to get back on his feet each time. Not once does my half brother say 'thank you' to my stepfather, nor acknowledges him on his birthday, holidays, whatever. I am assuming this is how your step-children treat you as well. They take and take from you every month and your wife just like my mother enables their spoiled behavior. They are unhappy due to this and their nonexistent sex lives. Both want a divorce but are holding out on it because they are financially dependent on each other. I am in support of their divorce even though I love my stepfather and mother equally, I cannot stand to see either miserable and I know they would live happier lives apart.
A good portion of your hard earned work, and money goes towards supporting two unappreciative spoiled young adults. You need to express to your wife your desires of retiring early and eliminate the monthly payments on tuition, insurance, apartment rent, etc by putting your foot down. You say she understands your frustration but what is she doing to help with all of this? She doesn't want to tell her children "no" and that's the problem.
I think the lack of sex in your life, has hurt you, made you sad, angry, and quiet. I don't know exactly how old your wife is, but it seems almost normal to lose interest in sex as you age and it quite possibly is due from her physical condition. No one wants to have sex when it is painful. Have you considered that maybe she, herself is suffering from some sort of depression perhaps?
I think professional therapy will benefit the both of you greatly. Whatever you decide, remember that ultimately, you are 100% in control of your own happiness.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 I think going to counselling, even on your own, would be a useful thing for you to do. A skilled counsellor will help draw out a more extensive list of pros and cons than anyone here can on the basis of the couple of hundred words allowed for your question.
It sounds like you've been a passive, 'get-along' type of guy during this relationship. What if you asserted yourself? The thing with her kids, for example -- if she won't put her foot down, why don't you? You get the behaviour you accept. Any 20 year old who tolerated me only for my wallet would find themselves cut off right quickly.
Being assertive, though, won't help with the sex issue. That's part of the pros and cons the counsellor can help with. There is no guarantee that if you leave you'll magically find the nympho of your dreams. But if you stay you know exactly what you'll get, and I can't blame you for wanting more than that.
It's a tough call, and there's no easy answer. Take your time and think it through.
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