A
male
age
41-50,
*orriedHub
writes:Help! Since my wife has given birth to our two children (both are under 3 years old) she has pretty much become completely uninterested in sex. Not just the act of sex but also flirting, playing, making herself look sexy, touching me, cuddling me, caring about me... the list goes on.I know she’s tired and doing an excellent job of bringing up the children and managing the home and providing for me in every way (other than sexually) but I’m really worried now that she has changed permanently and we’ll never have our own relationship again.Have any women out there gone through the same situation and eventually bounced back or is this a biological, permanent change?I feel so torn. Basically I couldn’t imagine my life without my children, but at the same time I can’t imagine life with no sex either. I don’t want to have an affair or pay for hookers. I just want my wife to be caring and sexual.All advice will be appreciated.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (4 December 2009):
 i am beginning to feel like the odd one out here ... i am a post-child woman who would still be happy to have sex 3 times a day! yes, i guess i am a bit more tired, and there is the thing of the baby waking up in the night, but at the same time i still cherish closeness. i feel just suicidal about my body and how it has changed, but i am still completely up for sex. it is the other way round - i now don't get enough! to me that part of a relationship is so crucial - without that you are just - what? friends who are a bit cross with each other? or once-friends who sort of vaguely hate each other? you're nothing. sex is essential - it is the essential bond. lose it at yr peril.
well, that is my experience. and yes, it all needs working at.
easiest way to fix your situation: hire a cleaner. and insist that every friday you both go out for dinner. you arrange it, and a baby sitter.
good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): good for you! It is tough on both sides of this fence...and i know as a young woman i honestly didnt see or understand a mans sex drive as a NEED. time and age have opened my eyes, but at that point in my life i was so overwhelmed, and focused on ME and MY needs...needs of which sex was waaay down the list. I wish i could go back and redo those years, or that someone older had sat me down and told me this stuff. 25 years ago it just wasnt talked about. Hang in there, and i would suggest taking her out, and somewhere in the evening hand her a copy of this post...talk about this issue and reach some kind awareness and hopefully a solution. Time will help...And again goodluck!.
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A
male
reader, WorriedHub +, writes (4 December 2009):
WorriedHub is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to everyone who answered. You are all advising *more or less* the same thing. I need to help out more at home, relieve her of some chores and get her energised and relaxed again. I'll make it my mission to do this as I simply can’t accept the alternative options!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): P.S. Suggested reading: "Why men want sex & Women need love" - Allan & Barbara Pease.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Hi. I feel your pain! Sleep deprivation can kill any relationship over a long period of time. Do you have local help in the form of parents/in-laws? This could relieve the burden every once in a while. Sharing the chores also demonstrates affection. Always amazes me how women continually under estimate a man's need for sex. I am in your exact same situation. My relationship has been declining since the birth of my second child in 2006. Spent the passed 6 months in separate bedrooms. Whilst this may help remedy the lack of sleep, this does mean that you start to grow apart. I even made a move on a married woman at work last year for whom I have developed powerful feelings since 2005 (didn't realise she was already having an affair, though - and my rejection was therefore guaranteed and hurts all the more for it!). Prevention is the cure. Women and men have to recollect those attributes which attracted each other in the first place and re-introduce them into the relationship. All my partner has introduced is heavy drinking and sulking and shouting in recent years. I have a full time job whereas she works part time. I appreciate the time she spends with the children and give her money to top up her account. I honestly am starting to believe that women don't really like sex i.e. they do it out of duty. My woman is older than I am and for a while (before having children) earned more money than I did. Hence the bittnerness and resentment on both sides in her having to continue working whilst at the same time letting herself go and exagerating the ageing process with all this booze. Some women take pride in their appearance are focused and have life goals. Others let themselves go and can be a burden. The same is true of men of course. Ain't easy being a man in the 21st century - or a woman in fact. Androgenous ways of existing mean that traditional male and female roles are over-lapping a causing conflict. There's a billion dollar porn industry on the internet. Tune in, women - men love sex! In return for keeping them happy in bed they will give you the world, so think on. If women withdraw from sex then the man has absolutely no motivation to 'feather a woman's nest' long-term. Bottom line - men want sex and women just want an easy life and lots of resources i.e. money. What women fail to realise or appreciate or give credit to is the fact that men also need love. In modern relationships where both partners work, both sex and love could be in short supply if they are sleep deprived and they don't have local back-up in the form of friends or family. Perhaps you married the wrong woman. Have you had many relationships before settling down with her? People need to experiment before choosing carefully and commiting to the long-haul i.e. develop a strong foundation of love and affection to bind you through the 'difficult years'. Women tend to be biologically drawn to wanting children and men to wanting sex - but they don't seem to be able to cope these days with the consequences i.e. children!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): oh man you could have been my husband a few years ago...i can only tell you what was going on in my mind:
a) my body was disgusting to me after i had gone from a slim girl to a stretched out woman.
b) i was tired and the only place we were connecting was in the bedroom. i resented that very much and needed the attention thruout the day...needed to feel like he loved me not just that i was his release valve. i felt used.
c)i had gotten pregnant whil using birth control more than once....so there was that fear.
d) i needed couple time to get in the mood.
i realize that these things may not be what your wife is dealing with. i will say the thing that turned things around for me was when he initiated date night. once every month sometimes more often, we left the kids, dressed up and went out..sometimes it was a very cheap meal and walking around walmart..he would hold my hand and grab my tush and sneak pinches. it made me feel attractive again. you can try your own things but you have to start somewhere being a couple again. i realized that someday these kids will be gone and i would be left with a stranger if i do not work on this relationship now...and honestly the relationship does change but it isnt for the worse. it actually gets better with time...if you both work at it. good luck sweetie, mal
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
She's one or more of the following things:
Tired
Feeling very unsure and insecure about herself.
Focused on the kids.
Worried about how you will perceive her body given that she has given birth twice.
This means that you need to sit down with her and ask her if you can do more. Tell her gently that you miss the intimacy with her, and would like to know what you can do to get it back. It might mean doing more with the kids while she can have a rest or a girls day out or something. It might mean doing more when you come home from work to make sure she's not as hassled. And it means doing other things for her to make sure she knows she's loved. Do talk to her about it and ask what you can do to help. And listen, that's the most important thing.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (3 December 2009):
and the thing is she is so focused on the children, she really has forgotten about you. can you get someone to help her sometimes with the children, so she has chance to be herself a bit? to be honest if you are looking after even 1 such young child, just drying your hair and putting on make up takes about an hour and is totally exhausting (i know - have an 18 month old who is very active!).
she needs the pressure taken off abit, i think.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (3 December 2009):
That's a really sad one. I think your only way is to talk to her and tell her how you feel, and how soul-destroying it is. Everyone needs physical love. She has just got out of the habit of it. BUT, she can of course get back in it. She just needs some sort of kick up the backside! Really, she needs kick-starting. Not sure how you do that, but talking to her might get a response. Having said that, she needs to do it because she wants to - not just out of pity/guilt. Hmm. Can't you take some of the exhausting chores off her (hire a cleaner???) and arrange some nice things for her/you together? join her up to a health club? send her to a spa? go away for the weekend ? you need to do something ... but she needs to be on-side too.
I think, though, it is possible to turn around. just a question of how. so not gone forever, i'm sure.
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