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*elboy1681
writes:Stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. My partner has a young son from a previous relationship who is 2 and has problems with his health one of which is we are waiting for a diagnosis because Doctors seem to think he has autism, and I love him as if he was my own and together we have an 11 month old baby boy.Just before our son was born we were having problems which became quit heated I’m sorry to say but I thought we had sorted them out and we seemed to be getting along fine then my partners sons biological father decided that he wanted contact and has taken her to court to get to see his son and as a consequence this has put a lot of strain on our relationship with her little boy getting really upset to the point he gets so upset when near him he hurts himself. Due to this it has caused arguments between us almost all the time for the last couple of months and it all came to a head last week and my partner thought that we seemed to be growing apart so she said that she thought it would be best if we went our separate ways.Once this happened she took the kids to see her father and his partner who she told that we were finished and he then told her that he has never liked me and he was glad that we were over but when he came home she phoned me to say that she realised that she had made a terrible mistake, my fiancé obviously told her father this and he said to her if she took me back he would have nothing more to do with her she would be finished as far as he is concerned which I think is emotional blackmail, so she asked me to come home which I did, then a few days later her father said to her that he was worried about her cause she wasn't answering any of his calls he came to see her and as she was outside having a cigarette he spoke to her asked if I was in the house and said well that him and her over then without warning he barged into her house pinned me down on the sofa and started threatening me then when I told him to hit me if it would make him feel better he started to goad me by saying things about me and my family and there is my fiancé stuck in the middle, I then told him that this was the reason I was reluctant to come back because I didn't want to ruin his and my fiancés relationship I was willing to end it for that reason and his response was well you shouldn’t have f ****** came back and she would have been happy then his girlfriend appeared who must have new what he was going to do and when she saw that he hadn’t hit me she began to lay into me as well so I left and went back to my parents.My dad came and got me and he phoned my fiancé to see if he could talk to her father to find out what was going on but he would not, my dad thought that he was being totally unreasonable not wanting to talk to me or him or him. So later that night I spoke to my fiancé again and she said that her father seemed pleased with himself because he thought he had gotten rid of me and my family she told me he also said that he never told her that he and my fiancé were finished he began to twist what he said so he would have a clear conscience and it would be left to her to decide if it is me or him but if I came back he said he would not set foot in her house and I wasn’t to set foot in there’s then my fiancé got a phone call to say that her father and his partner are coming and they will phone her to let her know when so I have the option of going out or if I’m there they will just ignore me so my fiancé doesn’t want this and has told me that she will just go to his house and say if he doesn’t like it tuff but he is an unreasonable man who will not listen, who is happy to solve arguments with his fists and who obviously doesn’t love his daughter because he gives her no moral or emotional support and as you can imagine she is Stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea and doesn’t know what to do I love her enough and my kids that I will leave if the situation gets to much for her because it is beginning to get to me and it is the last thing I need at the moment as I am ill and waiting to go into hospital for some procedures to my bowel and to start getting my new treatment.I am at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do so would be grateful for some advice.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 Her father sounds perfectly awful. Let me just get this one detail correct. You two have a child together, right? So you are going to be in her life no matter what for as long as this child is alive.
What I don't understand is why you two began arguing about her other son seeing his biological father. Things must have been very rocky there for this to happen. You two should be a team on this, working together, not working against each other. So I think you two have some real work to do if you do want this relationship to survive.
Back to her father. Yuck, he sounds like a nightmare. You're not going to be able to change him, he has to do that for himself. All you can do is change the way you react to him and around him. Same thing goes for her. Her father hasn't become this way overnight; he must be emotionally immature if he thinks that behaving like a bully is the way to deal with people. Frankly, this man does not sound like a good person for your children to be around. I'm sorry your partner isn't the one who wrote in. I would tell her that she should limit contact between her father and his grandchildren anyway, as he sounds like a violent and irrational man. She should be the one who decides who sees the children and when, and now that she has a family, she can decide that she doesn't care to deal with someone who does not have her best interests at heart. He might need to realize that he is running the real risk of losing her and his grandchildren forever if he doesn't shape up.
Back to you two. All this conflict and distress is going to exacerbate the problems that have not yet been truly resolved. If you are willing to make the commitment to stick with her, then you also need to make the commitment to work on the relationship with her. You might consider couples counseling. You're not the first people to face some problems with their partners and getting some outside help and guidance on conflict resolution couldn't hurt.
Based on what you've told us here, I'd suggest that she close the door on the devil for a bit until she can manage to deal with him. And bring along the life-preserver for the deep blue sea. You can be the life-preserver if you make the commitment to fix the problems.
I am sorry to hear about your medical problems; you really do have a lot on your plate, and all this stress cannot be good for anyone in this situation. May I suggest that you speak with a social worker or the care coordinator at the hospital and ask if there is a support group that you can join.
I have a family member going through a major surgery for cancer and then likely chemotherapy; the best thing to do is to ASK for help and then TAKE it. Don't try to tough it out on your own, that won't do anyone any favors. I know it can be difficult to admit that you can't handle things without outside help, but I say scr*w appearances, go for what will preserve your health, your relationship and your mental well-being. THAT is the smart thing to do.
Good luck, I hope you recover quickly and that you get the help you deserve.
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