A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am new here and I really need some advice. My gf and I had a break up a while back where I acted very mean and hurt her so badly. I kind of went crazy. She was in terrible pain and I refused to talk to her and just blew her off for over a week. I felt depressed and like I wanted to die when I realized it might really be over. We started talking but she said she didn't know if she could ever take me back because she doesn't think she can survive being that hurt again. We had been together for over 5 years. She agreed that we could talk and we are, but we have spent time together and sometimes it just seems like we are back together and so in love and I stay at her place. We talk on the phone and email. I can feel her holding back though. She doesn't invite me over much or do all the special things she used to. She said I need to take more of an initiative and invite her to do things. I admit that she did a lot of the work before. I'm not really sure what I should be doing. I am so busy with my job that I don't have a lot of time or money right now. I just know she is the love of my life. There is no one like her and I am afraid I will have to live my life without her because I just don't know the right thing to do to make her feel secure. Can someone please help me with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the help. I really appreciate it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 This tough place to be in, you have to prove yourself to her and she's not helping you figure it out. I'm sure you realize that you hurt her deeply but I'm not sure that you really know why. I think that you had been taking her for granted for several years now and were content to let her do all the emotional work in the relationship. Now you have to prove that you care enough about her and the two of you as a couple to put in some of that work.
You say you don't have much money, nor do you have much time. You don't need money to show her that you care about her. You just have to find things to do together where you decide and make plans for them. She doesn't want to do the work right now, she wants you to do it. I'm sure you're stressed with work and you have a lot of things on your plate, but you need to find a way to balance all these things in your life.
So you have to find things that are inexpensive or better yet, free; things like free concerts, walk in the park, making her dinner (!), basically you want to plan a romantic evening (better yet, five or six) where she doesn't have to do any work.
So you have to think creatively to get around the lack of funds, do you have the magazine TimeOut for your town? Look in there for ideas, or better yet, if you have some girl friends, ask them what they might like. I'm a bit older than you, I'm afraid to report, so I don't know what you like to do, that's why I am suggesting that you ask your female friends.
The time thing, that's harder to deal with. I think the thing that she wants to know is that in your life, when you have free time you want to spend it with her. Let her know what your work schedule is so that she understands your time constraints.
At your age, and at this time in your career, it is important that your work knows that you're committed to performing really well, right? I hate to suggest this, but I think that you need to consider your relationship or rebuilding your relationship with her as a kind of job. She's the manager, and has asked you to perform some tasks, and hasn't given you much guidance as to how to accomplish them. This very strict manager is expecting you to figure it out. You had a bad job review with her and you're basically on probation. So if you think about it that way maybe it will help you tackle the problem as something that is solvable.
I'm sure she was very surprised by the way you behaved when you didn't speak to her for a week; there is a new side to you that she did not know about and she is still trying to cope with that knowledge. It would be so nice if love was always unconditional and smooth and easy; but it isn't always. There are going to be very rough and bumpy spots in any long-term relationship, so learning to cope with them and how to express yourself in a way that doesn't hurt your partner is one of life's huge lessons. It's taken me 30 years to figure that out. I'm not quick on the uptake I guess. :-)
When you tell her about your plans and your time constraints, don't whine about it, don't make her feel badly for laying another burden on you. At the same time you need to let her know that you do have financial and time constraints, but that you want happy and secure in your relationship. We women are actually pretty easy to win over if we know that we are your top priority. It's when we are priority number two or three or four that we start to get really upset and irritated. That's because most women are conditioned or socialized to put their man first, and what we want is to find the man who puts us first. Simple, really.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Katie_Loves_Dinasours +, writes (7 November 2008):
ok so girls like romance I don't know if yours likes it but thats what I like show her how much she means to you. this doesnot mean go out and buy her a porshe just romance her. if you really love her and you feel that you cant live with out her let her know that open up to her. I have a guy that I like and what I hate most about him is that he doesnt express his feelings to me. show her how you feel dude thats all I can say. talk to her about it and find out what you can do to get her back. be very civil when you do this. just ask her talk to her, tell her everything. explain to her why you blew up. LET HER KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! be sensitive I'm telling you 90% of women love that :)
Katie loves Dinasours :P
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A
female
reader, DanaL  +, writes (7 November 2008):
Hi
Sorry to hear you've been going through a hard time.
Okay, the way to make her feel secure is to do things for here, no matter how it puts you out.
Even though you say you're busy with your job, if you want her back in your life as your girlfriend YOU MUST make the time to do things for her.
"What things?" You ask - well anything she enjoys doing. Does she have a hobby? Help her out with that in some way.
Fix a surprise for her.
Send her a love message when she'd least expect it.
Include her in your life in ways that you never have before.
Ask for her opinion on things that are important to you.
Make a fuss of her sometimes, make her feel special and that your one purpose at that moment in time is to make her happy.
There's a lot you can do to make her feel secure again, you just have to be prepared to get up and do them!
DON'T sit back and be lazy!!
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