A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have known this guy I am dating for only 2.5 months. I met him on vacation to Texas and then three weeks later, moved to Texas. Not to be with him but because the friends I was visiting allowed me to come live with them for a fresh start. Anyway, it meant I could keep seeing him. We get along well and I am very comfortable with him. Even feeling like it could develop to something very substantial. We defined it as far as being exclusive but have no labels. I don't care about labels as long as expectations are clear. He makes me feel secure and grounded but recently little things have shown him to be avoiding the DTR. Watching a movie I saw an actor I liked and was like, "Ugh, thats my mannnnn!" and he looked at me and was like, "oh yeah? your man, huh?" So I dished is back and said, "Well do I already have one?" and in the midst of this playfulness he avoided the question with a nose nuzzle and smooch. I know this was a dumb thing but the avoidance was so strong, it made me feel insecure. I haven't really felt that way with him yet. I love hanging out with him, I feel like we could do anything and I feel that he cares for me too. I just can't shake this devastation of me falling in love with him while for all I know he could just think I am cool for now. So I want to define the relationship, or at least get the reassurance that I am not just a good time to him. I am terrified of loving someone who only wants me for now. And I don't think that is the case, I just don't know how long I should wait, to give him time to process on his own timeline, or when i should add pressure to see where he stands. My hippie roommates think bc he is an earth sign and I am an air that I need to just let things happen on his terms or he'll be scared off, or recoil. So I want to give him that space, but it will be devastating if I do and we reach the conclusion that he's not on the same wavelength as me. I am trying to take my time and i don't even need a label, but how do I ask him how he feels about me without it shutting him down or being threatening? I just want verbal reassurance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): I agree with Honeypie, and stick with my own original-comments. Take your time to see if he's really the kind of person you believe him to be. If you have very different communication-styles; I'd make note of that as a possible indication that you may have a minor incompatibility.
How you communicate and express yourselves are crucial points when trying to find yourself a suitable match. You can compromise on things as things go. If you find yourself always readjusting for his sake, and he's not doing the same; consider it a red-flag.
I still think he believes you moved for his sake, simply based on the timing and how quickly it happened. It would be a little off-putting if you didn't know better; but I'm not the one you have to convince. He's being careful regardless.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Just slow down.
I would ask him though IF he considers the two of you exclusive or not. If he hew and hum over that question, then you know he isn't going to commit either.
While I'm not for "playing games" I would however be a little LESS available for a while, LET him do the pursuing. If you pull back a bit, does he pick up the slack or not?
Go from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't just on vacation to Texas, I was also looking for jobs while here. I moved because of a job opportunity and my friends here letting me rent out their spare bedroom made it possible to do quickly. This guy knew I was moving to Texas, regardless of my involvement with him. So it was clear to him that I was not moving for him.
I have a degree, I have a job, I have an apartment, a car and friends here. He isn't the only reason I have to be in Texas. My question was more along the lines of how to navigate our different communication styles. I am very verbal and direct; he isn't. So with that in mind, I am not sure how to get validation without pushing him out of his comfort zone when it comes to how he is feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): I find it difficult to believe you didn't move to Texas because of him. It's just too coincidental. Whether you did or didn't, he might be a little hesitant to officiate or define the connection between you; because it looks like you've bet everything on a relationship. It just doesn't come across as a stable or sensible move to make.
In general, guys don't rush into committed-relationships or marriage. It's not wise to rush into any relationship; until you really know what your true-feelings are, and whom you're attaching those feelings to. I'd say he's just being careful and wisely cautious.
Do you have a full-time job? Do you have reliable transportation? Have you completed your undergraduate degree? What did you leave behind that you had to move to make a new-start? Is it drama that will eventually catch-up with you? He would be wise to carefully consider all these questions.
Living on a friend's couch doesn't show that your move was a well-thought-out plan. It appears spur of the moment. or done on a whim. You don't appear to have your life in order.
Honestly, how can anyone instantaneously relocate to another state, without a job and a place to live waiting for them?
You're putting the cart before the horse. It appears impulsive, if not impetuous. Then you call your friends hippies? That's not usually a very established or structured lifestyle. Sometimes you're judged by the company you keep.
I think you're expecting too much too soon; and you don't have your priorities in order. You need to get established and stabilized. You have to acclimate to your new surroundings, find employment, and more time is needed to get to know the guy before you start thinking in terms of a committed-relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): Don't forget that you had just that minute been ogling some guy on tv. Maybe that didn't make him feel like giving you the answer you wanted. If he had been making comments about a woman on tv and then asked YOU for some kind of reassurance about feelings??? Maybe your timing was a little off with your question.
If your gut is telling you that everything is ok here, which you seem to be saying it is, then I would leave well alone with the labelling and commitment etc and just have fun together. The rest will follow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): Are you sure you didn’t move to be with him? Your post makes it sound like you did. And despite what you say, maybe he thinks so, too. If you’re denying it, and you truly moved for a fresh start only, then focus on that for now. Focus on your “fresh start” and improving yourself and your life and focus on the things you enjoy. You can’t force a relationship and if he’s dodging questions and defining the relationship, then back off and focus on what you love to do (without him). I think by actually focusing on yourself you’ll accomplish two things: 1) you’ll find yourself, and you’ll respect and prioritize yourself as someone of value; and 2) you’ll give him the space he needs to figure out how much he wants to be with you. I’m hoping for the best for you, but I think you shouldn’t expect too much out of this relationship. Don’t wait around for him, regardless of zodiac signs, do things on YOUR time and if he doesn’t fit your timeline, move on. Good things will happen to you when you start setting your own timelines and standards.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2019):
Maybe he is just being "smart" here.
Honestly, If I had meet someone on vacation and they then moved to my state, I'd put on the breaks too. Especially someone who kind of was a holiday fling.
If I were you, I'd focus MORE on REBUILDING your life. That means getting a job, or starting a career, maybe take some extra classes to add on to whatever education you have. You are living with friends. Maybe getting your INDEPENDENCE should be more in the forefront than getting a guy you BARELY know (yeah, 2 1/2 months QUALIFY as barely know) to commit.
If you are all of a sudden MORE busy with getting your life on track it might make HIM make more of an effort to see you and BE with you, so far ( I think) you have made ALL the effort. Serving yourself up on a platter.
And don't lie to yourself, you DO want a label. Nothing wrong in that, except this guy is unsure or not as into you as you are into him.
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