A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My situation is that my long term girlfriend of 9 years kissed another man at work. She came clean about it all and turns out that this dick has been pursuing her for about 6 years! She said she got curious and kissed him and that she immediately regretted it and told him it was a one off and won't be happening again. It really hurt me that she did it and still does sometimes but i forgave her and said she is not to even speak to this man again and she very reluctantly agreed. I had a feeling that this man hadn't backed off so i went to her work purposefully when i knew he would be there. Sure enough he was trying to bust moves on her again when i walked in. We had an argument about it and all she kept saying was that he knows the score and that nothing was ever going to happen, I was being paranoid etc. My argument was that to me he clearly didn't know the score and that he thought a repeat of the kiss or possibly more was likely. Our arguments about it went on for a month or two when she finally had enough and said she would get a friend to speak to him and find out what his intentions were. Turns out i was spot on with what i was saying and that he thinks he's going to get with her eventually. My girlfriend now keeps well clear of him as far as i know but that is my question. Its only as far as I know. She is very naive and over trusting in my opinion and she can't tell when someone is trying to take advantage of her. Will she still be keeping clear in a year or 2? I don't know.Would you trust this man around your GF?If not, what would you do about it?If I am honest, I am also struggling to trust my GF like I did before. She said she understands that, and will accept it for as long as it takes to mend.I should probably say that this man has a girlfriend and 4 kids with 3 different women so he's a creep who can't keep it in his shorts.She also says that she will quit her job to get away from him if i ask her to. I'm very reluctant to ask this as i know she loves her job.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I had a problem with a delivery guy harassing my secretary years ago. A little talk with his home office and we got his route changed.
Set ups frequently backfire, I wouldn't go there.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll give you a little more info. This man doesn't actually work for the same company. He's a delivery guy who makes regular deliveries to her place of work. I have brought up the subject and i agree with you, it is harassment. The problem is, this man is clever. He isn't your typical creep. It sounds weird, but he does it in an almost polite way. I find him to be very cunning and underhand and of the people that know him, its like a 50/50 split. They either love him or hate him. As far as i can tell as a straight man he is not at all attractive but has the gift of the gab, especially where women are concerned.As for why she did it, I understand perfectly. About three years ago i got curious about other women too. We got together young and I thought I had missed out on something. If the opportunity had arisen in that time, like a woman throwing herself at me, then if i am honest, yes i would have cheated on her. Luckily though the smoke cleared and afterwards i felt more love for her than ever and i am so thankful that i never made a mistake that i know i would have regretted. My girlfriend is very attractive and i often see men admiring her and even trying to flirt. I never really minded at all and just took it as a compliment but this man in particular REALLY winds me up.FA - I'm not a voilent person at all and you are right, a physical confrontation would be silly. I also think that he would actually like that to happen. The reason she got her friend to talk to him is because she actually asked him previously if he understood that there wouldn't be a repeat and he lied and said yes. Her friend approached him more tactfully and got what I consider to be the truth out of him.Its tough because my girlfriend is very averse to confrontation but i think she does need to complain to his company. The problem is, there will be as many people back him up as there will my GF.I maybe being very silly here but I'm thinking about setting him up. Like getting him to send text messages and photos to my girlfriend. That is something i am sure he would do without much persuasion. Then, i don't like to use the word but, blackmail him with it to back off and change his shifts or the whole world will know (including his GF) what kind of man he really is. Tell me if this is a bad idea!
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (22 May 2013):
Would I trust this guy? No way. I would trust him not even as far as I could throw him. From what you describe he is indeed a creepy player. You are not wrong for being uncomfortable with him.I am sure it was hard for your girlfriend to come clean and tell you what happened. Don't ignore this. It's always hard for anyone to admit something they know someone's going to be unhappy, uncomfortable, or upset about. This was huge of her, to be able to discuss it with you. As others have said, this sounds like an issue of workplace harassment. The fact that she actually suggested quitting her job indicates to me that she puts a LOT of value in your relationship, and it also suggests she is not comfortable with this guy. I do not think she should quit her job either. I am glad to see you are reluctant to ask that of her, and I don't think that'd be fair to her. It's however also not fair for her to deal with a man who obviously isn't taking no for an answer. With respect to that, as others have said, she needs to discuss this with someone at her company. You can certainly be there with her for support, if she'd like that.Now, as for your trust of her. It's common that girls appear to be "naive" or "unaware when they're being used." On the flip side, however, I can say, a lot of people, both guys and girls, are good at taking advantage of people. I wouldn't hold this against her. Being a friendly outgoing person is an excellent quality to have. It sounds to me like she loves you - she's been with you 9 years, and had the courage to come clean about something she did wrong. Don't forget this. Also, life is a game of experience. She now has had this experience, and hopefully it has taught her where some lines should be drawn. But I think you owe it to her to give her another chance with your trust. As I said, she told you about this. Don't make that a negative experience for her from your side. You two first need to deal with this guy, and then move forward with your relationship. Trust her again, and based on what you've written, I think she'll be more than grateful and will REALLY want to stick with you!Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Hey reality check here. When trust is broken one of the cardinal foundations of a relationship then your headed for a crash. Was she forced to kiss him? Did he have his hands on her boobs or ass? Was she forced to do this? If she is being harassed at work and really loves you she would of taped what happened and got a law suit against him and that company. Then she would of quit. How committed is she to you really? Wake up and smell the roses. You have nothing to struggle with if she has no commitment to you. Give us more info if you want better advice. Move forward.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 May 2013):
 You say she "....kissed another man at work..." then, "If not, what would you do about it?"
Here in the Colonies, we would consider what you describe (his advances toward her) to be "workplace sexual harrassment".... and would bring it to the attention of the Human Resources people.
From your description, it certainly "sounds" as if he makes your G/F's workday unpleasant or uncomfortable... and NOBODY should have to endure that is a condition of attending to their employment...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 May 2013):
Oh that is a messy story. So Your questions are "Would you trust this man?" And, "What would you do about it?"
First no one is asking you to trust this man. The answer is no, no one would trust this guy. What you are really asking is how can you trust your long term girlfriend when she is around him. Now that is a problem because she deliberately tried him on. That was a serious breach of trust. One thing you need to know is why. What is wrong with your relationship that she would consider kissing this bad boy? I'm not reducing her guilt or blaming you, but you need to know if you should be being a better partner. You are taking steps to build trust. She is ok with transparency, that is good. To get the relationship back to normal you are going to have to give her some leash. She is going to have to prove to you she can be trusted by accepting reasonable rules. Then by proving she can keep them while you aren't watching.
Next what to do about it. She brought up the idea of leaving her job. That was probably a serious and desperate offer from her. I agree with you that she probably shouldn't take that step, but my reason is different. She is being harassed by his "unwanted" advances. That makes him the guilty party. He should be punished not her. The way to deal with this is to go to Human Resources and get him warned. You or she could warn him personally first but at this point I think it would be ineffective. Having her friend talk to him is kind of Junior high, unless her friend tells him something like this. "She is very upset. She said that if you flirt with her one more time she is going to HR and getting a court restraining order. You better stop now."
So far you have avoided a physical altercation with the guy. That would lead you to more troubles and put you on the wrong side of the law. Besides you aren't the kind of guy to do that.
Now, back to that offer to quit her job. (sorry I'm so scatter brained) That is a big offer from her. A serious sign of her commitment to you. Are you that committed to her? Does she know?
FA
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