A
male
age
41-50,
*inja
writes:Hi. I've been with my girlfriend for over 5 years. I thought she was the one and we planned our future together. Due to work commitments we do not live together but often stay at each other's house. A year ago I started to set up my own business near her so we could start a home together. This has taken some time for planning permission etc and has been expensive, stressful and time consuming. She has not been helpful during this time but has spent more time doing her own thing. I then found out she had been sleeping with a guy she met on an internet forum. We are still together but she is still on the forum allday, everyday when she is at work. She flirts and makes sexual references, shows pictures of what she is wearing etc and never mentions she has a partner even when talking about things we have done together. She PMs people on the forum and I known she has met some of them in person though she claims this is innocent. She does not know I view the forum and know the kind of things she says. I find it very hurtful and distressing. I would have accepted it as harmless fun if it were not for the fact that she ended up in bed with one of them, so I think I have good reason if I am being over sensitive or paranoid. We were meant to be going to Relate councilling but she failed to follow up the appointment. She said she thought we were getting on better but I still have a lot of hurt and unanswered questions and have tried to get her to talk to me, written her letters about how I feel but get little response. How do I discuss my concerns without being confrontational or appearing to be controlling or stalking her? I am considering ending it just so I can stop feeling this way and sleep at night but I love her dearly and desperately want things to work out for us. Please help.
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affair, at work, flirt, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ninja +, writes (31 January 2008):
ninja is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks for the replies. I am a sensible guy. I know in my head I should have dumped her long ago but in my heart it's not so easy. This is a life changing decision and I need to be really sure of what I am doing. I appreciate all the comments and will consider them all. Thanks for the support.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): She sleeps with another guy & you're worried about a little flirting?!? Come on buddy this is not a hard decision to make. I know you love her so it's hard to let her go. But you can't be tossed around like this. You need a break It's better than being constantly worried if she's gonna cheat. I would listen to the first anonymous who suggests you need time apart. Very good advice
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Look, I've no problem with people flirting whilst in relationships. Its all in good fun and how people bond.But when she's doing it every day and hiding the fact she's already taken... and not mention actually fucked one of them behind your back.On top of this she has made no proper attempts at reconciliation, nor does she (from your description) appear to feel remorse or any feelings that might redeem her and make her fit for another chance and fit for mercy.In the end the only way you can be happy is to vanquish this soul-sucking she-demon out of your life and refuse to let her back in until you are convinced she is seriously wanting to make Amends.So good luck and choose your women better next time.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
This must be awfull for you love as you are in a catch 22 situation as you cant or rather you dont want to end it but at the same time its hurting you and your not getting anywere, She is doing what she wants you are trying to make a life for both of you, you try to get help for the both of you via relate she doesnt turn up as she feels things are ok even though you have written letters saying things are not for you. This would ring huge bells for me. Hunny she has cheated will you ever have the trust there again I no you want to work it out but you are checking out her forum so you really dont no if your coming or going at the moment and if she is not willing to show you after the cheating that she wants to pull out all the stops to sort things out there is not much you can do.
As long as she knows you are going to be there trying your hardest to sort all this out when in my mind she should be a willing partner in making things better, Then she is not committed and she must feel she has to do nothing to save your relationship because you love her so much you will do all the work, So she is sitting back comfortably while you are worried sick. I no what I would do love, This is a horrible situation to be in and apart from sitting down together and discussing this properly as I guess you have already tryed. I would leave it for awhile with no contact and see what comes of it, I no this is so very hard for you and my heart goes out to you, But love if this is the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with then she should be giving you a little time and understanding and shes not and its driving you nuts. So my advise is you have done your bit, stay off her forum as that will make it worse for you and give yourself sometime to think and her. WITH LOTS OF LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I am really sorry to say this but I don't believe love conquers all. In addition I think it is possible to love again. With this in mind I really want to encourage you to consider whether you actually want to put yourself through this - you really do have a choice. She has been disloyal. Despite this she continues insulting you with her 'actions'. I think you need support and encouragement to move away from her either physically or in the context of a relationship. You sound like a very level headed guy. Please don't feel trapped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I know you won’t like me to say this, but I think you should have some time apart. It won’t affect whether your relationship lasts but it may just give you the chance to see how things are without her. If it is not meant to be, it is not meant to be. If it is, it is. If you spend time apart it could provide unexpected relief, or you may miss her or it may be a combination of both.
She will be prompted to examine her own feelings, whether she has been taking you for granted, whether she wants this relationship at all, etc. Believe me, if she is not committed it is best to know. If she realises that you will not be such a Mr Easy-Nice- Guy-Who-Will-Let-You-Get-Away-With-Anything-Even-If-It-Is-At-My-Own-Cost. The only thing preventing you from moving forward is your fear. I have just had reason to find this out myself. I wanted something very badly but I was too afraid to ask and sure I would not get it. Nevertheless I did it and was amazed at how happy I made my partner. Lots of love cascaded and things changed for the better.
What you have to do is realise that you may lose her, but you may not. The way you are going one of you looks likely to leave the other. Either you once you get totally sick and tired of it. Does she realise she runs the risk of losing you? The other extreme is she may meet someone on line that she prefers. However, meeting someone in that way is very dodgy and I would not think they would be good relationship material. Can you imagine her meeting someone this way, them being able to trust each other not to continue surfing for flirts, having babies and getting married? Surely not a good idea to look for a life partner that way.
You will have to talk to her at some point about her online activities and ask her to stop. Tell her that if she is not able to stop, that you would like to split up for a while whil you think about your feelings. That should sort her out. If it does not, she has not invested enough in your relationship to adapt and change or compromise and it will be time to move on.
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