A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all :)Recently me and my boyfriend are struggling to have sex. when we first started having sex we both had a lot more free time and were having sex almost everyday. Since September we both have more commitments and have been having sex about 3-5 times per week - which i think is still a lot, but we both have a high sex drive.However recently he has been struggling to maintain an erection. There is no chance we could have sex more than one in a day (which was a bit disappointing when we stayed in a hotel at the weekend) Occasionally we cant even have sex once - we'll begin to have sex but he'll go soft.He doesnt really masturbate (I know this sounds naive)but its true. If he wants to he'll call me up and we'll have phone sex and we're completely open about that kind of thing as i dont mind whatever he does. When we discussed he said he hasnt done anything since the last time we had phone sex (about 4 weeks ago). He isnt under stress at work, doesnt smoke, and we've tried giving sex a break for a while but it just goes back to the same problem. Its not currently a major problem for me but he feels a bit de-masculated and we love having sex. Any advice would be appreciated :)
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 No reason to believe he doesn't masturbate. Some people don't and he has no reason to lie. 3-5 times sex per week is more than enough, but you both are highly so it's not enough for you.
I'm gonna assume you boyfriend is the same age as you, 22-25, so therefore can rule out physical problems or decreasing hormones.
The problem is embarrassment and the fear of failure. Please imagine yourself as a man, like your boyfriend, and I will explain.
Men are taught to be proud of their ability to have an erection and have sex a lot. Your boyfriend has lots of sex, good sex and his girlfriend (you) is happy. He feels like a king, a stud, he feels like a strong man.
Then one day something goes wrong. The penis does not work. Maybe he's tired, maybe he's worried, maybe he just didn't feel like it... whatever the reason, the penis did not work, it did not come up, the penis (for him) is broken.
Now he feels like a girl... men have penises that work ALWAYS.. if they can't get erections then they must be sissy, they must be gay, they are illformed, nor working, not a stud, no longer the strong man... (see how many negatives I use)
The problem is now his thinking process. If he thinks about girlfriend, penis or sex... he instantly thinks, "won't work, can't, broken, no good, rubbish, a flop"... his head thinks negative thoughts.
Since the brain needs to think happy sexy thoughts for the penis to come up, he is talking himself out of a strong erection and out of sex. His penis won't come up because he expects it to stay down. He needs to stop that negative self talk.
How... by normalising things again. by taking the pressure off penetration. Start foreplay as normal, spend longer than usual on kissing, touching and everything else. Touch his penis, but also touch the rest of his body. Do not make the penis the centre of attention, do not continue to put it under pressure to perform. Let him pleasure you and bring you to orgasm. For him, nothing, if his penis is not ready then kissing and touching is all that he needs.
Eventually the penis and brain will calm down, and start to get jealous of the sex play they are missing. The penis should come up, as your boyfriend is stimulated by your nakedness and enjoyment. Only start penetration when penis is fully erect, until then, only touching and sex play. Oral sex (if you like) will also help.
Do not force the penis into erection, when it wants to come up, it will. When fully erect, start penetrative sex.. if erection goes down, then laugh, no problem, it will come back when it's ready. Kiss boyfriend, make him feel loved, tell him you can wait, there is no hurry, penis is just lazy and mean for spoiling all the fun. Go eat ice-cream or cuddle up and watch sexy movie..
Be playful, be understanding.. the joke is, you can always have orgasm, but penis has to sort out it's problems before it can get one. You can tell penis this.. I think penis like when you talk to them, they seem to want to be included in everything.
It's no big thing when the penis refuses to come up.. just takes a little time and patience, probably some sexy clothing and a little extra sexy teasing and the thing will come up again. It will stay up as long as your boyfriend remembers he is human and doesn't worry about silly things.
It's only you and him, penis broken or not, you still have fun and you still love him very much. Tell him not to worry about the penis so much, and the damn thing will start working again.
PS: Put ice-cream on the penis.. and tell it, if it doesn't like to be inside the warmth of you, then probably the cold will suit it.. (It may not feel funny for your boyfriend, but the more he can joke and relax, the quicker normal sex will resume.
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Maybe try some new things in the bedroom, dress up for him. You can buy alsorts of outfits and stuff from different places or you can easily make a schoolgirl outfit from what you have in the wardrobe. If you're both not too shy, try some roleplay. Failing that, maybe get some viagra or something similar, but your bf may feel uncomfortable taking it.
Trying new things is always fun, so give it a go and see what happens. If you're still having problems, maybe you should suggest that he go and see the doctor, even though it might be embarrasing, it would be better to know if something is actually wrong.
Best of luck hun
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): There is nothing to really worry about. This happens to a lot of people. It may not be stress from work, but there are thousand of other things that can cause this to happen. It could be something as simple as being pressed for time, remember, love first, than work.. Work will come and go, but you have to hold on to the one you love. Make more time for yourselves... Sounds like you two deserve it.. Best wishes.
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