A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,If we shouldn't try to please others or think what others are thinking of us, isn't being genuinely interested in the other person and trying to build up a conversation sort of doing the same mistake ? There are loads of self help books about making friends which tell us to be interested in others life and asking questions; doesn't it all contradict the idea of having the self respect and not trying to please others all the time ? Thank you Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2023): I meant to say:
"Use discernment and judgement to distinguish between someone genuine, or someone who may [have] bad-intentions."
"They are that way, because they value those traits."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2023): Dear OP, you will find as many different ideologies, opinions, or philosophies on the matter of how to balance giving of yourself and taking from others as numerous as there are authors and experts that write these self-help books.
People are communal-creatures; and we have a natural inclination to form couples, and to reproduce. There are people who find it very easy to make friends; while there are others who seem to find it virtually impossible. They never gain the knack of connecting with other people; and find it all the more difficult to find romance and form committed romantic-relationships. There are far too many approaches and books on the matter to know which will work. So write your own script.
I guess the best thing to do is to keep it simple. Follow your instincts and what comes natural. Don't try too hard, let nature take its course. If you want to start a conversation with a stranger or someone who attempts to make a connection with you; don't overthink or overanalyze the situation. Just be open-minded and receptive. Use discernment and judgement to distinguish between someone genuine, or someone who may bad-intentions. You learn this about people over time, you can't prejudge; but it's often best to listen to your gut-feeling when you think something just isn't right.
Most books seem to suggest we be self-centered and selfish these days. Always concerned about what we will gain or be rewarded out of relationships. It's important to keep the balance between giving and receiving. It's not all about you, and nobody is the center of your universe. If you find yourself too needy, or clingy, you'll usually find people pulling-away from you. If you're too aloof, you never form meaningful (or lasting) connections with people; and if you're always fretting about this and that, you give-off a nervous-vibe that is a turnoff or unsettling to people. We all have a built-in fight or flight instinct, and creepy nervous-people set it off! Practice, practice, practice! Try to relax and use some self-control. Don't presume to predict how things will go before they happen.
Just try your best to be yourself. Learn people little by little, and relax and just don't allow over-eagerness or neediness to push you to be overbearing and possessive over the attention of others. Don't use bribes or too many subtle enticements to make people like you; you'll more likely encourage them to use you, or take advantage of you. Self-esteem is homemade, you can't rely on the approval or validation of others; because you'll find mankind demands more from others than what they're willing to offer of themselves. I learned this the hardway. Through the School of Hardknocks. I had to be hurt and stepped-on a few times. It was hard not to become cynical or defensive. I had to know myself before I could judge others. When I learned who I was, I understood people more. I have the same faults and weaknesses; so it gave me incentive to learn how to fix myself. It's a lifelong process, you're never finished. You need constructive-criticism, even when it's hard to hear. You need to fail; in order to learn how to use logic or correct your mistakes. Then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Learn how to forgive yourself, and forgive others. Learn to give-up on people who bring nothing to the table. Dissassociate with gossips and troublemakers. Learn to breakup with people who offer you nothing but pain and heartbreak. Learn to stick by those who are honorable, faithful, and trustworthy. They deserve your love and loyalty. They are they that way, because they value those traits.
I think people mistake being popular and admired as a necessary human need. You may draw fans, but fans become disloyal. It's the quality not the quantity of friends you have. Learn how to trust, but offer it in doses to allow people to prove they are trustworthy. If someone gives you their trust, learn how to honor and cherish it. Learn how to disagree and compromise. Stand your ground without feeling obligated to forfeit your rights and honor to maintain a stressful or lopsided-relationship; be it romantic, or friendship, even familial.
Keep it simple, and follow your own heart and instincts. You'll develop how to interact and communicate with people with practice, and you build confidence through correcting your mistakes and learning from them. You will never always get it right. You won't always judge people accurately. So don't carry that unnecessary burden on your shoulders. Life is not always smiles and happiness. People are good and bad. Take life a day at a time, and you'll feel less stressed and anxious about what you're doing wrong. If you believe in faith and worship, pray on it. I do that too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2023): test
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