A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here is the thing. We have been in a great relationship for almost 3 years. I love him with all my heart and he is the type of guy who brings me flowers for nothing in particular. We moved in together about 7 months ago and things have been going fine until a couple of weeks ago. I am in the process of transitioning from jobs, I have been really stressed out because I hate the job I currently have, I don't get payed enough to pay all my bills, save money and have a little money to spend. It's been very frustrating, so I have been getting really annoyed at everything at home and we have been fighting a lot for the past few weeks. I usually get annoyed and start the argument but it escalates which is never my intention. I feel like if something bothers either of us we should be able to have an adroitly conversation without it becoming a fight, but it always becomes a fight because he starts telling me I am looking for a fight.Well last night we started fighting for some stupid thing. I got so angry that I said we do not work together and got up, went to my room and slammed the door (it was well past 10pm and our neighbors are very quiet people, the smallest thing and they file a complain on you). So the next thing I know is that he comes into our bedroom sees me lying down in the bed and lounges himself to me. So at this point we are both lying in the bed and he starts yelling and swearing at me like a lunatic, asking me if I was crazy? Don't you know we have neighbors etc etc, all this while grabbing part of my hair. It was not hard enough that it was causing pain but it made me terrified. This was the very first time he has ever done that to me, I was extremely shaken but then I go out and he it crying like a baby in our couch, like sobbing! And then I felt so guilty for having pushed his buttons so much. Right now I still feel guilty about causing the whole fight, but I have conflicting feelings about the way he reacted. Please help! I love him so so much and I can't even imagine being without him, but a little voice in my head tells me that no matter how much I pushed him to the limit, he was violent and abusing... What am I supposed to do? Or think? I am so confused.
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flowers, money, moved in, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 HI
Just be very careful, like I said in my previous post once you forgive the first time (many times) it will happen again and again, getting more aggressive than the first time. I hope it works in your favour.
Good luck
Mandy x
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 May 2013):
 I'm glad you figured it out, because if there's one thing that can destroy a relationship, it's emotional abuse, and you were using the guy as an emotional punching bag.
Having a conversation isn't the same as being stressed and constantly taking it out on someone else. That's verbal diarrhea, and words can hurt worse than a slap to the face because that pain doesn't go away.
I am not excusing him swearing at you and grabbing your hair, but each unkind word you slung at him over a period of time is like fists pounding at him over and over again.
Instead of taking the money situation out on him, work together to solve it. Look at it as an issue both of you can overcome together, which can bring you together instead of to the brink of separation, because you two can not go on like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thank you for all your opinions, I appreciate every single one of them. After thinking (and doing a lot of talking) I also realized that although physical abuse is always wrong, so is emotional. This sort of outburst only happened that time, and it came out after I said a lot of mean stuff to him. My prior behavior was not acceptable, and we are both working on being more communicative with each other. We love each other and want to make this work, and so far it is working alright.
Thanks guys
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Did you basically break up with him?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I would say it might be a one time thing out of frustration.
Money issues always make relationships harder.... I know when you struggle to pay the bills and have nothing left for fun it's scary...
you say you don't have enough to pay the bills
if you live with your boyfriend how are the finances handled?
I don't understand if you want to be a couple and live like a married couple why he would let you shoulder bills you can't afford?
IN our house, from the MINUTE we were committed (actually even before we got married or moved in together) all our funds were combined...none of this MY money, his money stuff.... it's ALL OUR MONEY.... and before anyone says "well of course then the woman benefits more" I make nearly 40k more than he does....
IF work and money are stressful what is he doing to help mitigate that stress?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): you are overreacting. let me get this straight. if you were the one doing the same, maybe calling him names or pushing him will that be labeled as abuse? i dont think so. sadly in our society if the female is kinda abusive its fine, the guy should man up. but god forbid if i call names to my gf or push her like she does. then i would be called a monster, a terrible man.... be honest with yourself, you were the one starting the whole thing, you pushed him to the limit. i suggest counselling for you both. i assume that he has never before act violent before, just talk to him after all you know the guy for about 3 years and you love him right? so if you want to be treated nice start treating your partner nicer and you'll see how everything changes. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): I agree with mandy.he has done it once so he will do it again .you have three options .1 leave him.2.stay and have your heart broken and start to hate the man you adore because of his abuse.3.if he accepts he was abusive ,get some help such as couples counselling or anger management but he has to admit he has a problem and needs to change or lose you .I had a toxic relationship for 7 yrs and we have a beautiful son but his anger and abuse tore us apart and I now am on my own and my feelings for him have been killed by the abuse .good luck x
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (11 February 2013):
HI
Starting a row is one thing, being violent no matter how or why is unexceptable! I would not wait for a second time. I would get out now, once you allow it the first time he will do it again and the next time he get's really angry and it could be worse. Do you want to take that risk?
and trust me they ALWAYS cry after and say how sorry they are and that it wont happen again. you also need to stop starting arguments because of everday life stresses cause this will grind on anyone,we all go through many stresses in life but we deal with them accordingly. still that said he over stepped the mark and you need to decide if you really want to wait for the next time.
Mandy x
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