A
female
age
30-35,
*ronicLemurs
writes:My boyfriend has recently taken up the habit of smoking. I know that he's under a lot of stress in college. His mother and nearly entire family smokes, so he's pretty used to the concept. Here’s the big points: I have a breathing disability. Cigarette smoke makes it very hard for me to breathe. He's pretty good about not smelling like smoke and he doesn't smoke around me. He's more of a private smoker. I caught him once a few weeks ago, and he admitted it to me after denying it, and apologized and cried. He promised he would quit. A couple weeks later, I found out he picked it up again. He promised, again, that he would quit. And I found out a third time (this time), and he just got upset and told me he was sorry. He says it’s stress relief when I can’t be there to help him. When I’m around he doesn’t want to smoke, because I give him backrubs and kisses and sex, and I help him with schoolwork. He says that’s better than smoking. However, due to our college situation, I wouldn’t be able to live with him for two more years. That’s when he says he’ll be able to quit.I've been trying to learn to understand and accept his smoking habit. But honestly, thinking about him smoking a cigarette makes me want to cry. It makes my heart hurt and makes my stomach feel sick. It truly just breaks my heart. I'm at a moral standoff on what I do. Do I support him in this habit, because it's a stress-relief, just until I get to move in with him, or do I do everything I can to help him quit?
View related questions:
smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, IronicLemurs +, writes (12 September 2009):
IronicLemurs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest, only two of these were helpful.
I felt it might console some of you to know that, when I spent the night with him last night, he held me tight, gave me his last three cigarettes, and told me to throw them in the river. He told me this was the end of it, because every time he even touches the pack he feels horribly guilty, and the guilt is causing more stress than the cigarettes ease.
It's going to be okay.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): I am not sure what quiet-echo is on about, but here is what I would do.
To be, smoking is repulsive. Sure I can handle it if my friends smoke, but if I go out with a girl, and she starts to smoke, I woudlnt be happy. Smoking is a dirty habbit, and I wouldnt want to be with someone that does this. If they truely love me, they would quit for me. Benfits of not smoking outweight the benifits of smokeing (if there is any)
I woudlnt want my GF / possible wife dieing early due to something she doesnt have to do...
Help him stop/quit smoking. If he doesnt learn.. then yea./
...............................
A
male
reader, JSBach  +, writes (9 September 2009):
As long as he is careful not to smoke around you, please don't nag him. People just hate to be nagged, and nagging never helped anyone give up smoking. He knows how you feel, and when the time is right, he will give up. That might be tomorrow or it might be in twenty years time, but there is nothing you can do to speed up the process. It has to be his decision, not yours.
Take it from an ex-smoker - the worst thing you can do is keep going on about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (9 September 2009):
I went through the same thing with my ex. I have hay fever and cig smoke causes ear infections and tonsillitis in me and he kept doing it and we lived together. It took me ending up in the hospital not responding to antibiotics for him to stop. He is going to grow addicted and the question you need to ask is can I live with a smoker if the answer is no then you have to leave because my ex started the same way and he almost killed me.
...............................
A
female
reader, linz09 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Hi...I have never smoked in my life, I hate the smell and I hate the dangers that come with this dirty habit and like you I have a breathing problem ,asthma.But my boyfriend smokes and its a hard habit to break,he doesn't smoke around me and when he stays at mine he goes outside to smoke. All his family are smokers too so he has been around smoking all his life. Your bf knows its not good for him and that he ought to quit. But he will have to do this in his own time and when he feels ready... don't let it make you feel so bad and upset, and try not to push the issue, I am sure he'll do it given time, just try and be supportive.
It would be an ideas to look at alternatives to help lower his stress level, for instance learn meditation techniques, use bachs rescue remedy( a natural herbal remedy) that has a calming effect, taking valerian, another natural remedy that can be taken has a tea or tablets.
Anyway try not to take his smoking as an insult to you, just be supportive and don't let it upset you.
linzx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Let's get this straight- stress is NOT causing him to smoke, he's choosing to smoke to deal with the stress. People choose things to deal with things they seem relief from, he could drink, eat, sleep around, smoke, do drugs, take up running... all to a compulsive level... all to change the way he feels, oro to suppress those feelings.
I too love to smoke, but choose not to. I've smoked on and off, but not since I started dating again in 2000, and gave it up as I didn't want to date a smoker. When I quit I was up to 3 packs a day, and didn't smoke from 8am to 6pm (worked with my parents who didn't know). I chose to smoke, I also chose not to work out... I could have picked different. I also started smoking in my last year of college in a particullary difficuly class (we could smoke in class back then, and they were 6 hours long 3 days a week). We start with one smoker in 30, ended with 29 of 30 smoking.
Given your medical condition, he needs to tak into account what this is doing to you. He needs to consider your feelings and your health. There are other ways to deal with stress, and there's ZERO reason for him to wait 2 years to deal with this.
...............................
|
