| A
female
,
*risss
writes: I have been married for 8 years and been with my husband for 9 years. We have 1 child. When I met my husband over 9 years ago, I was on the rebound from an ex boyfriend who was soon going to be my fiance. To make a long story short, my ex and I broke up because of the distance. We lived in 2 separate states, 1000 miles apart. Anyhow my ex and I broke up and when I met my now husband, I was on the rebound and now I realize I have always been on the rebound. I have moved on with my life and I have a relatively happy marriage, I am not head over heels for my husband, probably never was, but I do care for him a lot. (I should add that my ex and I both married that same year, he ended up marrying an old ex girlfriend) Anyhow, after 2 years of marriage and never forgetting my ex, I contacted him via email. At the time his wife was pregnant and we quickly persuade a 'online relationship', via email, IM and the phone. After a couple of months and him moving, we stopped contact. I moved on with my life, but never completely forgot about my ex. On occasion I even would search for him, just curiosity, but I never made contact again. Well about 2 months ago, one late night, he made contact with me via email. He is now married with 3 kids and has a happy life and marriage as he has told me. Well the one email once again turned into an intense 'online relationship'. We started talking via email, IM, phone every day, every single moment we had for several weeks, until finally he said that he just couldn't continue like this. He couldn't stop thinking about me, he couldn't function or work but he did love his wife and family and had a commitment and though we had admitted how much we cared for each other that we couldn't continue talking like this. So basically we slowly stopped talking, would email once a week and slowly less. He also told me that he never stopped thinking about me either over the last 9 years, but he did not want to see me. I on the other hand wanted to see him becasue I was hoping that in person the connection would not be there, but he thought that it was too risky, he thougth that our connection via phone, online was already so strong that he thougth in person it would be too hard and it would even complicate things more. Anyways, the point is that he has obviously moved on, or can move on much better then me. No one knows that I am going through this, so on the surface I am going on with my life, but inside I am dying. I feel like 9 years ago when he and I broke up. I guess I dont' understand how easily he was able to get wrapped up with me again and then turn around and just move on with his life. He even told me that he thought the fact that he thinks about me is fine but talking to me all the time is not ok. The way I look at it is neither is actually ok, but I actually don't think it's fair to either of our spouses that we have this other person that is always on our mind. For me now so even more, after talking to him again. What do you think he is thinking and how do I pick up the broken pieces and move on again? I know since my dear husband has not been able to get me over my ex, he never can, even though I am trying to focus on my husband. Thanks for listening
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, fiance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): We only live one life. Life it to the fullest. You and your ex still love each other. Meet up with him and then decide what is best. Being "stuck" in a relationship when your mind is on someone else is awful.
A
reader, pops +, writes (31 August 2005):
What makes you think that you can ever forget what you had with an " ex "? Most, if not all people remember the good feelings they have in life, and the people they had them with. Some describe it as still " being in love". That may or may not be actually true. But, for whatever reason, the human species was made to be attracted to other members of the species, and there are hormones involved in the attraction, as well and visual and aural stimulations to the brain that create this attraction. You break up with someone because a relationship with them cannot grow, or continue. That is what happened 9 years ago. But you will always be attracted to him, and he to you. Put the energy you are wasting on your " ex " into your relationship with your husband, You owe that to him, and your child, and to yourself. You chose to marry your husband, so work on putting the romance back into the relationship. And, don't look back too seriously. Memories are fine, but they should remain just that. If you try to go back, it usually doesn't take to long to realize just why it was you ended that former relationship, and have mercifully forgotten until you revisited the guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): Oh dear, I have recently broken up with my bf after 6 years because I too am married. I tried to do the right thing and finish with my lover and go back to my husband but I like you longed for my lover.
My lover also moved on and is now with someone else. My advice to you would be to give your marriage one last chance and if you are truly living a lie then give yourself sometime to find yourself again.
Does your husband know that you still have such intense feelings for your ex? Is it something you could tell him? If so I think you have a chance.
Men do seem to find it easier to move on with their lives but this man still clearly has feeling for you and is doing his best to fight them for the sake of his marriage and children. Allow him to do this, he wont thank you if you cause problems for him.
I kept in touch with my ex and last week he told me for the first time in 6 months that he still loved me but that he was now with someone else and there was no future for us. Why do we put ourselves through it? I too am back at square one but I have decided I cant put my life in hold any longert and I suggest you do the same. I have written him an 8 page letter pouring out all of my feelings, how hurt I am and how much I still love him. I also said there will be no further contact. I havent sent it, I dont know if or when I ever will but I can honestly say it made me feel a whole lot better and has given me some strength. Is this something you could do?
Finally, I would say that I did leave my husband in the end, even though I could no longer be with my lover, I knew that my husband was no longer the right man and I am starting to build my life again.
I know from experience how hard this is going to be for you, tell your ex exactly how you feel and then nothing, dont have any more contact. If he feels the same he will seek you out. When you have done this reassess your marriage, can it be saves. If not, be true to yourself and set yourself free to love and be loved again like you had with this man.
It will take time but we have only one life, try and make it happy. My heart is with you. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (31 August 2005):
You are still holding a torch for you ex, you have strong feelings for him that you know you will probably take to your grave. The love you had with him never expired. You are feeling very guilty for this. You love your husband but its not the same and never will be. Emotions like this can be very hard to deal with. Just remember what you feed grows. Feed your marriage!
Delila
...............................
|
