A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! Any words of wisdom appreciated. I broke up with someone about 3 months ago. He was a friend and former housemate. We always seemed to be more than 'friends' but things were awkward as we lived with another guy who was his friend and who liked me. Anyway, trying to cut a long story short (bear with me!) the other guy eventually hooked up with my friend and seemed happy so me and my guy decided to give things a go. At first, things were like a dream. It was so lovely to be able to be with him, and we were very affectionate. This was out of character for him but greatly appreciated! Anyway, a lot of stress came up almost straight away, I was out of work whereas he had a really stressful job and degree. We moved out of our shared accommodation (to give the relationship a headstart) and lived separately. Then things went wrong. I was so frightened of losing him that I wouldn't act myself ie really nonchalant, he'd say I could come over and I'd say something like 'aw, i'll let you have your space tonight' anyway, eventually, we weren't seeing much of each other at all, and he admitted that he wasn't feeling the 'beginning' spark of a relationship that he felt he should. Though he seemed genuinely gutted about it we decided it was best we left it there and remained friends. It was fine at first, I'd see him once a week, but I sensed something was up. Anyway, about a month later he revealed he had met somebody and they were in a relationship. I was crushed. I still feel devastated, and although I acted blase when he told me, again to save face, I still feel absolutely devastated and miss him with every minute. I actually feel a bit 'dead'. I know I sound dramatic, but I keep going over every detail of our time together post and pre relationship, and wishing I'd done things differently, met him at a different time, or just grabbed hold of him, hugged him and spent time with him instead of playing 'hard to get'. I miss him soooo much, if it was just his friendship I missed i wouldn't feel like this. I know we didn't seem like a perfect match to some people, and there were lots of things piled on us when we started out, but how can things have ended up like this? I wish I hadn't let my pride, and past relationship faux pas get in the way of expressing how i felt for him. Even when we were breaking up I acted 'fine' when i was genuinely, 100% crushed :( sorry for long post, my job and everything are not ideal atm and it all seems too much without him too :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I think the thing is that I don't want him back as were, ie not seeing each other much/playing hard to get...i'd want an honest, fun and loving relationship. I want to believe that he might miss me in a way, but my head is doubtful that he'd come back now. I think he's probably happy, but im just finding it hard that im not the one he's happy with, and he could be being affectionate with her, the way i wanted him to be with me. Either way, maybe fate will bring us back together or maybe not. Time will tell i guess. I feel scared to actually write to him and send it, though I have wrriten to him a lot and kept the letters. Hey ho thanks again!
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 February 2012):
 HI
Im sorry your feeling this way :( but other than time will heal, theres little else you can do about it. His moved on now, and things were just the wrong time for you both. Just rememeber for next time that pride is a horrible dark shadow that can ruin the best of relationships. I mean could it be your pride is getting in the way now? i.e......have you told him exactly how you feel about him, and how being apart has effected you more than you have realised? I mean there is no law against telling him now ( yes he may have a GF BUT..) is it serious? do you love him enough to fight for him?
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): You are at a very low ebb just now. You are bereft - and it will take you a while to get this out of your system. All the 'going over past events' is part of the hurting process when you break up with someone your loved. But there is a reason you broke up, no matter how much you blame yourself by certain actions, he decided to move on. He did not cut you any slack so it looks as if you, perhaps, had much more of a stake in the relationship than he did. Let yourself feel miserable with the knowledge that it is part of the grieving process. But no amount of wishing is going to change anything. Time really does heal, although, right now you won't believe it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): It does sound from what you write that you have let things get the better of you. THere is no point acting happy clappy in life, acting like the brady bunch or whatnot and there is also absolutely nothing wrong with showing the realism of your feelings. I know you might be scared you'd break down if you had to cough up your feelings to him, but you owe it to yourself ALWAYS to be honest and as transperant as possible.It sounds like it was one of your first relationships however, was it? Because I know that I did the same thing. You grow out of it, slowly but you do need to address a number of things here.First of all. You can admit it. You liked him a lot. He was a nice guy, you let things run away. You didn't admit that you were scared about where you were because of your personal situations, or your other fears, or that you didn't want to be a dead weight to the relationship. THe thing is - people WANT genuineness, how can they make a decision on someone if they are so busy giving standard responses and pretending something they are not. I know when I met my partner, he was really clear to me that he appreciated how I was so honest and open about myself, about my daily thoughts on different topics, or feelings or whatver. If you find a guy who isn't interested in that(and that's what you want) then you cut them loose-it will rarely be you- it'd be them. Basically- the right guy will appreciate you, regardless.If I were you , I'd write down all the factors of you in this relationship that you didn't like, with the hope to put light on it instead of letting it go around and around.I would also write him a short email(if it were me- I generally need to get things off my chest) to the point email, expressing that you respect he has moved on, you guys weren't working etc, but you just wanted to let him know that you genuinely miss his friendship and him. Try to emphasise that you aren't trying to mess up him or his current relationship but explain what you feel now, how you see that you were too busy trying to play it 'cool' instead of 'honest' and in the end it's bitten you back.You just needed to clear the air for your sake.Finally- go out and get a haircut, call a dear friend over and cough it all up. Cry if you have too, but again it's time for a fresh leaf- to be open and genuine and honest. I know it is scary to worry people will think you are this mess, but honestly if you had a good friend wouldn't you want them to call you up instead of slowing becoming mroe and more distant and depressed because they are carrying these stresses in their head? You will be surprised at how much doing so will also improve your relationships with friends, because you put yourself out there you might find your friends relieved to see the vulnerable you and they can probably relate to that incredibly well. I know I certainly can! :) Good luck hun, sometimes you have no choice but to make a big step into the unknown if you truly want to grow.xx
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A
female
reader, BeckySmith101 +, writes (28 February 2012):
Sorry to hear this hun.
I'm afraid there isn't much you can do at the moment. Only time can tell. If you can, have a look at the guys at work and take note of their faces and how they look at you. This helped my friend when she got dumped by her LTR. Just study other couples as well and imagine you like that, without him. If this all fails, tell him. He may be using the elastic-band thereoy. They close in on the girl they like but after a while, they need to strech out and this is where they find another girl to hang out with. But they cant hold that place for long so they come pinging back to the original girl. its a little complicated, i know. But don't get your hopes up! This is only a thereoy.
Hope this helps!
xx
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 your story has a ring to it , a lot like my story many years back. my wife and i was dating we broke up for a year and a half. the first three months after we broke up she tried to get back with me. she was broken hearted , and kept trying to get back with me. she would call,come by to see me, write. i did not budge. but we did get back together and have been since. but when getting back things are different, you just don't pick up were you left off. there is a chance he will come back to you, but you can't bank your whole future waiting. you should let him know how you feel about him,what will it hurt. tell him how you have felt all a long. tell him how you are felling now that you are apart. it will let him know your deep feelings, he will be able to see a side of you he could not before ( the part of you that was hid from him.)
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