A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some advice on whether I should stick things out in my current relationship or end things now, because I feel I am starting to fall out of love with my bf.We've been together 10 months, and had both been single for a year before meeting each other through friends. He told me he loved me after a couple of months, and after 3 months, I told him I loved him too. Things were great for the next 3 months, we saw each other 2-3 times per week and were enjoying getting to know each other better. He introduced me to his family and friends, and all was good.Then, at 6 months, I discovered he was 'sexting' an old work colleague who he says he hasn't seen for years. He asked me to turn off his mobile when it was buzzing one night, and I saw an explicit message from this woman to him on the screen. I confronted him straight away and asked him for time to think. He was devastated, said he hadn't realised how hurtful sexting could be to me, that nothing ever had/would happen with this woman, that she sends similar messages to his other colleagues... I explained that for me, this is a deal-breaker as my ex-bf cheated on me, and I found out after discovering his 'secret' mobile phone filled with 'sexts' to other women. We made things up, and it felt like things were better than ever.Then, 3 weeks later, he went out with his friends (male and female) one night. I couldn't go as I was working, so he told me to call in at 6am the next day (after my shift finished). I did so, and discovered him in bed with 2 female friends, wearing his boxers! (They were fully clothed). Two of his males friends were asleep on his bedroom floor. Again, he said nothing happened, he'd gone to bed drunk (he doesn't usually get drunk), could see that it looked bad and was sorry. I took some time to think things over, and again, he was upset, told me I was the girl he wants to marry and have children with. We had a long talk and agreed one more 'strike' and he's out/the relationship ends. It took time for me to start to regain trust in him and to feel comfortable in his bedroom, but I got there.Then, 6 weeks ago, I discovered I was 7 weeks pregnant (unplanned, despite using contraception) with his baby. He was happy, said we should move in together. The next week, I had a miscarriage and was very upset. He was upset too, and said he wanted us to have a family. I asked him to let me know if he told anyone about our miscarriage, as I hadn't even told anyone I was pregnant yet. He told his sister and some work colleagues without letting me know, which really upset me. But, we tried to be supportive to each other and have got through the worst of the pain, I think. He's keen to try for a baby again. However, I'm still bleeding from my miscarriage on and off and don't really feel like I want to have sex with him at the moment. So, last week he tried to get me to have anal sex, but was ok when I said no. I know he has continued to watch porn 3-4 times per week during this time - I'm normally not bothered by this, but feel it is a bit insensitive of him to do this when we're recovering from a miscarriage.We're going away this weekend, to his friend's wedding, and he keeps talking about how one day he wants us to get married. This would previously have made me feel very happy and excited. But, for the few days, I haven't felt the same. I haven't looked forward to seeing him, I haven't wanted him to ravish me like I usually would, and I have felt annoyed at things that would usually be fine, like him asking me to take him to the shops or to do his ironing. I've also noticed that he doesn't really listen to me when I speak to him; our conversations are generally him talking about his work. I won a prize at work the other day and when I told him, he didn't congratulate me or give me a hug or any of the things he used to do. I've also realised I still don't fully trust him (although nothing else has happened as far as I know). He keeps asking me to move in with him, and in my heart of hearts, I don't want to because I don't fully trust him yet. He's also mentioned children again, and I don't want to come off my contraceptive pill. I'm wondering if I'm starting to fall out of love with him, if too much has happened in our relationship already for it to work. I care about him lots, and do love him, but I'm just uncertain about things now. He has asked me if anything is wrong, and I haven't told him any of this. Should I keep this to myself, and wait to see if my feelings return to how they were?Thanks for your help.
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anal sex, at work, cheated on me, drunk, my ex, porn, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Just thought this might be helpful about your concern with pornography. Science is showing more and more evidence about it's harmful effects on relationships. Just thought this video about Maria's story and how pornography effected her relationship might be helpful. Maybe not. Take it for what it's worth.
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Blog/Blog-Detail/Marias-Story--Pornography-affected-my-relationship/
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (29 July 2011):
Thanks for the follow up, OP. Well, that's rich. He wants you to keep up a happy front while YOU are the one who is hurting. He should be trying to cheer you up and support you. Seriously talk to him. You don't have to accept what he wants.
"You're talking about marriage and babies and happiness but you have to understand that not everything always goes the way we want to and that a good relationship is defined by how you deal when things aren't going so well. You just want me to go on like nothing happened, but something did happen. I am still not fully recovered and I need time and support. Are you the one who is going to help me heal or not? Because if you can't deal with this now how are you going to deal with future setbacks?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): (from original poster) thanks so much for the advice so far:) i should add that he's told me he doesn't want to see me sad about the miscarriage anymore, so i feel i have to put on a front of being fine around him, which isn't helping. Thanks again:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): OP have you considered that maybe the miscarriage is what is having this impact on you and the fact he seems completely oblivious and horribly insensitive about it that you're starting to go off him?
Miscarriages are very tough OP, you're still feeling the physical effects of it yet he is still trying to get you to have sex, not only that but he keeps bringing up the topic of having children and stuff, after just losing a baby? What is he like 12? I mean come on he even offered anal sex, forgive me for saying this but you have every reason to be going off such an insensitive and selfish fecker.
OP you're in the middle of a low, mentally and physically but he's carrying on usual like nothing happened. You're sex drive has understandably suffered, you're not feeling very romantic or loved up lately because you lost a baby.
Now maybe he's just an ignorant fool, I mean if he really thinks it's okay to sext while in a relationship and thinks it's okay to sleep with other women then he's either a total fool, he's so self absorbed that he has no empathy for you at all or he's just a chancer that will see what he can get away with and that counts too even if you're putting a brave face on it. Honestly though OP this all paints the picture of a self-absorbed dreamer. Someone who just can't see past his own needs and desires. Now I'm not pretending to understand what it's like to lose a baby but I do know that it's a time to think of you, what you need and it's time for patience and understanding. Yet this guy is still trying to get you to have sex, he's still talking about marriage and kids, he's still trying to get you to make big life decisions like moving in together and he seems completely oblivious to your current mental state.
Look I sound very damning, it's true even the nicest of guys can be just completely stupid when it comes to considering others and empathizing with others. But this guy is a level beyond that stupidity and no offence but you're not exactly helping matters by not trying to make him understand. Perhaps that's because you yourself don't understand or perhaps you're trying to get back to normal to get over what happened instead of taking a time out and giving yourself the chance to heal mentally and physically.
Talk to him OP, but first understand why you feel this way recently, the biggest change in your life, the circumstances that have led to you feeling this way may be something else entirely but more likely the miscarriage.
Look you have to make him understand, you have to talk to him. If he really is an ignorant fool then you need to make him realize things by always expressing how you feel. I mean keeping anything inside and not telling him really shouldn't be an option should it? How do you solve problems in your relationship by keeping stuff in?
I can't blame you for starting to see him in a different light because of all the above but if you're the kind of person that thinks that not telling him what's wrong is even an option then you and he are always going to be on the opposite ends of the scale fro any potential issues, just like your current one. A guy like him needs to be told, in detail how you're feeling, what's wrong and how he can help. Otherwise you're just going to go off him, you're going to face many other difficulties and have no way of resolving them if you can't even express them to him.
So talk to him, tell him to ease off on all the marriage, babies and moving in talk, tell him to back off sexually a little while until you are healed. Tell him you need comfort hugs and understanding right now and to put all future plans and stuff on hold because it's just not in you now. Give yourself time to heal and if that means seeing a little less of him do that. You should return to normal after a while and if not then go seek counseling.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (28 July 2011):
 He cheated on you and it's not worth getting hurt again, because it will happen. Don't get yourself trapped. And you don't feel the same as you did in the beginning, so why stay? Find someone who loves you and won't disrespect you and cheat on you. Even if he does love you, he doesn't love you enough to stay faithful. If you decide to stay with him, then don't get married or have kids until you can fully trust him. Tell him how you feel and see what he says. But if you don't feel the same as you did before, then there's no need for you two to stay tied down to each other.
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